You'll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again: One Woman's Painfully Funny Quest to Give It Up Info

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New York Times bestselling author, comedian, and
Chelsea Lately writer Heather McDonald’s hilarious true
story of finding herself in the predicament of being an unwilling virgin
at the age of twenty-seven.

Can’t a girl dress like a
hooker, dance like a stripper, and kiss like a porn star and still be a
nineteen-year-old virgin?

You’ll Never Blue Ball in
This Town Again
is the laugh-out-loud story of an attractive Los
Angeles woman who found herself in the predicament of being an unwilling
virgin. As an actress, writer, and stand-up comedienne, Heather
McDonald passed up ample opportunities to have her V-card revoked by
handsome, rich, and sometimes even fabulously famous men, but she could
not bring herself to do “it” until well after her friends
had been deflowered.

As Chelsea Handler so lovingly puts it,
“Thank God Heather waited twenty-seven years to lose her virginity
or she wouldn’t have any material for this book.” Whether
in a backseat, a community pool, or a sports stadium, with a frat boy, a
doctor, or an A-list celebrity, Heather McDonald knew how to turn those
boys blue. Unlike “putting out,” blue balling might not
have paid her rent or landed her free trips to Hawaii, but it did
provide her with hilarious stories and adventures in her search for true
love—and, ultimately, her very own happy ending. Now, Heather
McDonald will never blue ball in this town again.

Average Ratings and Reviews
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Reviews for You'll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again: One Woman's Painfully Funny Quest to Give It Up:

1

Oct 24, 2010

Synopsis: Comedienne Heather McDonald, best known for her appearances on the hit TV show Chelsea Lately, was a virgin until she was 27 years old. Sure she had lots of boyfriends, was a sorority sister, and went on plenty of dates, but the idealistic California girl was holding out for Mr. Right, while simultaneously holding out on everyone else. McDonald recounts her sexless youth and how she finally "gave it up."

Review: I wish I had not read this book and there are two reasons for that. First, Synopsis: Comedienne Heather McDonald, best known for her appearances on the hit TV show Chelsea Lately, was a virgin until she was 27 years old. Sure she had lots of boyfriends, was a sorority sister, and went on plenty of dates, but the idealistic California girl was holding out for Mr. Right, while simultaneously holding out on everyone else. McDonald recounts her sexless youth and how she finally "gave it up."

Review: I wish I had not read this book and there are two reasons for that. First, because I disliked this book so much, I wanted and still want my money back. This memoir was a waste of words and paper. The reason I feel that way is the second reason I wish I had not read this book: it made me severely dislike Heather McDonald. I used to really enjoy her appearances on the round table on Chelsea Lately and I thought she was pretty funny. Having read her book, I now find her nauseating.

Throughout her memoir, McDonald makes continual references to her appearance, i.e., how cute she is, how she is too cute to date a certain guy, how a certain guy should be glad someone as cute as she is is dating him, etc. Also, she placed a strange amount of importance on the fact that she was in a sorority in college, and having been in one seemed to continue to affect her present life. Both these things together made McDonald come off as extremely shallow. I did not go into this book with the expectation that McDonald was the deepest, most thought-provoking person in the world. But the excessive shallowness was a complete turn off for me and prevented me from enjoying this book.

Instead of being what could have been a pretty funny memoir, the author was so distasteful as a person that the book was ruined. I would not recommend this memoir to anyone. ...more
3

Jun 27, 2010

What an appropriate title for Heather "LongBoobs" McDonald's new book! I sped through several chapters on Heather's past (sexless) relationships, eager to see exactly how she lost her virginity at age 27, and when the moment of truth finally comes, the entire ordeal is described in ONE MEASLY SENTENCE! Of course, as we all know, Heather ultimately got her happy ending with a loving husband and children, but that part of her life is described in give-or-take 15 pages. As the title promises, I What an appropriate title for Heather "LongBoobs" McDonald's new book! I sped through several chapters on Heather's past (sexless) relationships, eager to see exactly how she lost her virginity at age 27, and when the moment of truth finally comes, the entire ordeal is described in ONE MEASLY SENTENCE! Of course, as we all know, Heather ultimately got her happy ending with a loving husband and children, but that part of her life is described in give-or-take 15 pages. As the title promises, I literally felt "blue-balled" once I reached the story's end. Although Heather often talks about her dry humping expertise, the book lacks a thorough discussion of sex and what it really meant to finally give up her V-card.

By far, my biggest complaint is that the book rambles on so much that it feels like a stream of consciousness writing. I say that because each chapter starts with one story but somehow will lead to ten different tangential stories from Heather's life. With the interminable amount of spatial and temporal jumps, I could never keep any of the stories or character names straight. Almost every chapter was so convoluted that I never understood the significance of the chapter titles. Very haphazard. By the end of the eighth flashback, I would ask myself, "What the hell were we talking about again?"

In spite of its flaws, "You'll Never Blue Ball In This Town Again" delivers some funny moments--McDonald is a comedy writer/stand-up comedienne, after all--but it's not nearly as laugh-out-loud funny as Chelsea Handler's memoirs. ...more
3

Jan 12, 2014

This odd book is sometimes offensive, other times contains shreds of morality, and ends up being strangely intriguing. McDonald writes about losing her virginity. Or not losing her virginity would be a better way to put it. She goes until age 27 before she finally does it with a guy, and when she does we get only one paragraph about it. So if you're waiting for a big reveal, there isn't one.

Instead we get a lot of stories that show what a selfish, bratty, sexual tease she is. She sleeps with This odd book is sometimes offensive, other times contains shreds of morality, and ends up being strangely intriguing. McDonald writes about losing her virginity. Or not losing her virginity would be a better way to put it. She goes until age 27 before she finally does it with a guy, and when she does we get only one paragraph about it. So if you're waiting for a big reveal, there isn't one.

Instead we get a lot of stories that show what a selfish, bratty, sexual tease she is. She sleeps with guys but stops them before they can enter her. She dry humps guys. She kisses complete strangers and leads them to believe she'll give them more. And she does it all claiming to be an innocent Catholic schoolgirl.

What she finally reveals late in the book is that at age nine she was confronted by a male flasher--twice. That certainly did something to scar her but she never treats it as anything more than a joke. The whole book is written in a joking style so you are never sure if what she is writing is true or not. She even has a happy ending, of sorts, when she meets the man she is going to marry--only to discover months later that he got a woman pregnant the night before she went out with him. But her marriage and family get the joke treatment as well.

She isn't a very consistent writer and this needs a good editor. She jumps back and forth so at times she doesn't make sense--when writing about a guy she meets she'll jump back to ten years earlier with a different guy or jump five years ahead to someone he reminds her of, then come back later and complete the story. She is, however, good at dishing dirt on some of the Hollywood types she dated or kissed or just sexually teased. You end up feeling sorry for all of them.

What makes the book work is that there is a moral to it--that there's nothing wrong with waiting to have sex. And that girls shouldn't tell guys they're virgins because guys will immediately dump them. But she doesn't seem to get that in her case she was so obnoxious that she was going to get dumped whether she told them or not. ...more
1

Jan 20, 2011

This book was not nearly as funny as I thought it would be. I thought since she was a comedian with Chelsea Handler that it would have some semblance of humor; however, I was wrong. It is not funny. Sure, there are a couple funny one liners, but that's it. All she talks about is being in a sorority at USC and her experiences dating people who wanted to have sex with her, but she held onto her V-Card. When the time did come that she lost her virginity, it was only a small paragraph about it. The This book was not nearly as funny as I thought it would be. I thought since she was a comedian with Chelsea Handler that it would have some semblance of humor; however, I was wrong. It is not funny. Sure, there are a couple funny one liners, but that's it. All she talks about is being in a sorority at USC and her experiences dating people who wanted to have sex with her, but she held onto her V-Card. When the time did come that she lost her virginity, it was only a small paragraph about it. The purpose of the book was to talk about her dating life up until the point she lost her virginity at the age of 27, but instead all she talked about was slutty sorority girls and frat parties. OH, and the time she met Jerry Seinfeld and Vince Vaughn. The point where she actually lost her virginity was a huge let down.

This book was not worth the $9 I spent on it; however, there is good news. It IS the perfect book to regift for someone's birthday!

DO NOT BUY THIS BOOK!

I'm only giving it one star because, let's face it, she did actually write a book. And as a writer myself, that deserves one star. ...more
3

May 10, 2011

Really between 2 and 3 stars for me. I enjoyed it. Although I have the feeling if you asked me about it next week I might be hard pressed to tell you that much about it. While working it out though, it was an enjoyable and quick read. She's pretty funny. Her writing is, even though it feels as if she's continually setting up her own jokes, funny. You got to give it up (see what I did there, aren't I fucking clever!) for a girl who doesn't lose her V until she's 27.

**This is also My Lovely Really between 2 and 3 stars for me. I enjoyed it. Although I have the feeling if you asked me about it next week I might be hard pressed to tell you that much about it. While working it out though, it was an enjoyable and quick read. She's pretty funny. Her writing is, even though it feels as if she's continually setting up her own jokes, funny. You got to give it up (see what I did there, aren't I fucking clever!) for a girl who doesn't lose her V until she's 27.

**This is also My Lovely Bride's Book...I feel compelled to say, lest you think I'm a bigger freak than you might already think. I was in between having anything to read and well, it was the first thing I saw.** ...more
2

Aug 13, 2010

I read this book for the sole reason that Heather McDonald is a friend of Chelsea Handler, not to mention a writer on her show. Although it seems this book was an attempt to write in the style of Ms. Handler, the tangents and less interesting stories was a bit of a letdown. If I was asked why I fell this book did not live up to Ms. Handler's books, I would say that Ms. Handler is more willing to be candid and honest, while Ms. McDonald seemed to be holding back.

The charm of Ms. Handler's books I read this book for the sole reason that Heather McDonald is a friend of Chelsea Handler, not to mention a writer on her show. Although it seems this book was an attempt to write in the style of Ms. Handler, the tangents and less interesting stories was a bit of a letdown. If I was asked why I fell this book did not live up to Ms. Handler's books, I would say that Ms. Handler is more willing to be candid and honest, while Ms. McDonald seemed to be holding back.

The charm of Ms. Handler's books is that she is so candid and willing to share so much with the reader in a style that is written so well that it accomplishes being both racy and heartfelt. This book did not.

...more
5

June 23, 2013

The book was exactly what I ordered....and in mint condition!Full Review
3

Apr 19, 2012

This book was written by one of the comedians that is on Chelsea Lately a lot. And while I can't stand the show (or Chelsea) I really enjoyed this book a lot. I liked the way it was written, very conversational-style as well as the topic. While dated a lot, Girl was a virgin until she was like 27. It was a very LA-based book, what with Girl growing up in the Valley and going to school at USC (puke) and of course, staying in LA, trying to make it as an actress/writer/comedian. After a while, the This book was written by one of the comedians that is on Chelsea Lately a lot. And while I can't stand the show (or Chelsea) I really enjoyed this book a lot. I liked the way it was written, very conversational-style as well as the topic. While dated a lot, Girl was a virgin until she was like 27. It was a very LA-based book, what with Girl growing up in the Valley and going to school at USC (puke) and of course, staying in LA, trying to make it as an actress/writer/comedian. After a while, the guys got kind of confusing, because like every chapter was a different (or 2 guys). Also, she would go off on tangents, which oddly, weren't that annoying to me, because I talk like that all the time too. The thing that annoyed me the most was her loyalty to USC. If she worked or made out with an actor or dated someone who had any relation to USC, it was mentioned. No one cares about that! People who have any relation to that school annoy the fuck out of me, how much they care about it. I guess in LA, it is a lifestyle and not one that I care to hear about. Blah.

But besides that, I liked all the little stories in each chapter. There wasn't all that much to follow and when she would refer back to someone, I had no idea who she was talking about, as the list of names went on forever. I also like that her career wasn't the front and center part of the book, it concentrated more on her dating. Way to keep everything separate! ...more
3

Dec 31, 2011

The premise for this book is that Heather was a virgin until she was 27. In Hollywood! While trying to make it as a comic and a writer! This is the story of how she eventually lost her virginity and met the man of her dreams, who eventually became her husband. It's a modern day love story - with a lot of dry humping.

Heather's choices for the stories to tell about men she dated are great - all of the men are different, but none are total cliches, which I kind of expected. None are totally The premise for this book is that Heather was a virgin until she was 27. In Hollywood! While trying to make it as a comic and a writer! This is the story of how she eventually lost her virginity and met the man of her dreams, who eventually became her husband. It's a modern day love story - with a lot of dry humping.

Heather's choices for the stories to tell about men she dated are great - all of the men are different, but none are total cliches, which I kind of expected. None are totally one-dimensional, and Heather is honest about her mistakes and her naivete. I was instantly hooked with the title of the first chapter: "Can't a Girl Dress Like a Hooker, Dance like a Stripper and Kiss Like a Porn Star and Still be a Nineteen-Year-Old Virgin?"

Her humor isn't as in-your-face as Chelsea, but sometimes I prefer things a little more subdued. This is another great book for an airplane or an afternoon at home with a cup of tea and box of cookies.
...more
3

Dec 24, 2010

I really wished this book could have been funnier because I wanted to like it more than I did.

It's the story about comedian Heather McDonald, a writer for Chelsie Lately, and her quest to not give it up until she's met the right guy, which doesn't happen until she's 27 years old. Yet she's in Hollywood and she's a very sexual woman. She just the queen of blue balling.

I think all women could learn from McDonald. I don't think we blue ball enough, personally. McDonald had this impressive ability I really wished this book could have been funnier because I wanted to like it more than I did.

It's the story about comedian Heather McDonald, a writer for Chelsie Lately, and her quest to not give it up until she's met the right guy, which doesn't happen until she's 27 years old. Yet she's in Hollywood and she's a very sexual woman. She just the queen of blue balling.

I think all women could learn from McDonald. I don't think we blue ball enough, personally. McDonald had this impressive ability to keep men waiting. Men respected her and waited. Although some did not and that was sad to read about her heartbreak when men dumped her for not wanting to give it up, or not wanting the "responsibility" of being her first.

There is a third-wave feminist myth in society that being in control of one's sexuality means giving it up. I think, however, McDonald illustrates that she was a lot more in control and sexually satisfied than most women and she waited. ...more
1

Sep 27, 2010

Blech. Reading this book was like eating leftovers that have been sitting in the fridge too long... I feel like I need to read something good to get the taste out of my mouth. I picked this up because I wanted something silly and mindless to read when I wasn't feeling well. Now I remember why I don't read vapid books - the dialogue was stilted, the grammar was atrocious, and quite frankly, this lady needs a reality check. Thumbs down.
3

Feb 27, 2011

This book was not as laugh-out-loud funny to me as the Chelsea Handler books, but it was still a funny read. As others have said though, and as weird as it may sound to say, I wish she had spent a little bit more time on when she gave up her virginity. It was kind of blase, and after waiting 27 years, I would have expected a bigger response...or at least more than a paragraph. All in all it was a good read, and another one I can check off my to-be-read list.
4

Aug 12, 2010

This book had me laughing out loud often and I found myself relating to some of the situations, saying "I've done that!"
1

Jun 04, 2013

I don't know what I expected. Heather McDonald is definitely one of my least favorite people on the Chelsea Lately round table, but somehow I thought the book would be better.

Part of the problem might have been that I listened to this in audio book and there were several "typo"-ish situations in her reading. Mispronounced words, clearly left out words, a slight lisp, I think? It just wasn't all that pleasant to listen to.

Also, while McDonald is not my favorite on the show, I still do think she I don't know what I expected. Heather McDonald is definitely one of my least favorite people on the Chelsea Lately round table, but somehow I thought the book would be better.

Part of the problem might have been that I listened to this in audio book and there were several "typo"-ish situations in her reading. Mispronounced words, clearly left out words, a slight lisp, I think? It just wasn't all that pleasant to listen to.

Also, while McDonald is not my favorite on the show, I still do think she is generally fairly funny, but in this book she comes as shallow, self-absorbed, and kind of obnoxious. Not to mention that the final 30% of the book (which was apparently abridged in the audio book) had nothing to do with the plot and was not funny but was just the story of how she met her husband and their relationship.

Oh well - on to the next one. Stick to the Sarah Colonna book if you want to read a Chelsea Lately round table lady book. ...more
2

Mar 07, 2014

I think my biggest issue with these books is that I love Chelsea Handler books. I expect the books that are promoted by her to be just as good, and so far, all of them that I have read have failed miserably. This book is no exception. It is not a 'bad book' but it is not a good book either. While I was reading this book, I kept wondering why the editor hadn't done their job. And I don't even know if she had an editor, it was just my first thought. The chapter structures were horrible. She would I think my biggest issue with these books is that I love Chelsea Handler books. I expect the books that are promoted by her to be just as good, and so far, all of them that I have read have failed miserably. This book is no exception. It is not a 'bad book' but it is not a good book either. While I was reading this book, I kept wondering why the editor hadn't done their job. And I don't even know if she had an editor, it was just my first thought. The chapter structures were horrible. She would literally go from one thought to another in two sentences; it was impossible to follow. I found that I would have to go back to figure out what she was talking about.

That being said, the stories are not bad, and I did laugh out loud a few times. I also suppose that most people that want to read this book are not overly concerned with the overall structure of this book, I just found it hard to follow.

If you want a book to read that's light and easy, then this is a good choice. ...more
3

Aug 24, 2012

I listened to this as an audiobook for two reasons. 1. I found Sarah Colonna's and Chelsea Handler's books of the same milieu entertaining, and 2. I had a very long road trip from New England to Florida, and books that are too literary take my focus off driving, something you don't want through that boring, interminable slog between Washington DC and Jacksonville, Florida. This was perfect for that and served it's purpose well. If you like to laugh and like sex, you will probably be entertained I listened to this as an audiobook for two reasons. 1. I found Sarah Colonna's and Chelsea Handler's books of the same milieu entertaining, and 2. I had a very long road trip from New England to Florida, and books that are too literary take my focus off driving, something you don't want through that boring, interminable slog between Washington DC and Jacksonville, Florida. This was perfect for that and served it's purpose well. If you like to laugh and like sex, you will probably be entertained by this book. In some ways, however, I would characterize this as the polar opposite of Colonna's and Handler's books. While Colonna and Handler revel in their hedonistic debauchery, McDonald's humor comes from the opposite angle and deals with both the positive and negative fallout from not "putting out" to all of her paramours. While this is not great literature, or even very deep, there are actually some lessons to be learned. If I had a teenage girl, I'd make them read this. ...more
3

May 24, 2017

Very Funny Book! Came in a timely fashion. Thanks!Full Review
1

Jan 30, 2018

This book was, as the title states, painful. I am not one to not finish a book unless it's absolutely insanely boring, but I almost wish I had on this one. If I had any liking to Heather before this book, it is gone now. The entire book was of her being a vapid, shallow, egocentric twit. The final nail in the coffin for my dislike for her was when she made the comment about how could the guy that's balding and shorter than her have any interest as he is so out of her league (guess there's some This book was, as the title states, painful. I am not one to not finish a book unless it's absolutely insanely boring, but I almost wish I had on this one. If I had any liking to Heather before this book, it is gone now. The entire book was of her being a vapid, shallow, egocentric twit. The final nail in the coffin for my dislike for her was when she made the comment about how could the guy that's balding and shorter than her have any interest as he is so out of her league (guess there's some rule that only super hot, rich men are allowed to think she's attractive). Don't waste your time in this book unless you really have way too much time on your hands and enjoy reading about boring, shallow people. For a comedian, she's not even funny in this book. ...more
1

Mar 26, 2017

I'm not sure if this book was about being an older virgin, losing her virginity or her dating life. I missed the humor of hers that has made me enjoy her comedy specials. I wish there had been more of that in this book. I've her speak about her dating experiences and thought she tells them much better live than written.
3

Oct 09, 2018

I have had this book on my to-read list since it came out and I was watching Heather McDonald on Chelsea Lately (how I miss that show). I was hoping it would be as funny as Chelsea Handler's books, but it wasn't. It had it's moments, and was a nice change of pace.
4

Feb 04, 2019

If you’re a fan of Juicy Scoop you will like this book. The only thing is you may have heard some of the stories before and it sometimes feels like it’s just not the same not hearing Heather deliver the stories herself. That being said, I enjoyed it!
4

Apr 22, 2018

Fun, lighthearted read. I love Heather's podcast, Juicy Scoop, so it was fun to hear about her life in her 20s. My favorite part of the book was actually the last chapter. But the other stories were good too.
2

Feb 03, 2019

Meh. If your a lover of Chelsea Handler novels like I am I decided to give this book a listen. Most of it was really annoying. The last few chapters got better. So I may listen to her other book.
2

Dec 15, 2017

I read her second book first, and I loved that. unfortunately this book is not as good as her second, but still a good read.
4

Jun 28, 2013

so maybe the books that I read are somewhat smart, witty, and funny even if they are low-brow lol. This one wasn't bad, some things I want to remember about Heather/her book:
1. Every time she goes home for Thanksgiving she winds up passed out in her childhood bedroom with cheerleading ribbons spinning around the room etc. lol. my bedroom at my mom's is like a guest bedroom now, but I can sympathize.
2. When she described how her parents fight with her dad being a former marine and her mom missing so maybe the books that I read are somewhat smart, witty, and funny even if they are low-brow lol. This one wasn't bad, some things I want to remember about Heather/her book:
1. Every time she goes home for Thanksgiving she winds up passed out in her childhood bedroom with cheerleading ribbons spinning around the room etc. lol. my bedroom at my mom's is like a guest bedroom now, but I can sympathize.
2. When she described how her parents fight with her dad being a former marine and her mom missing having only one vocal cord that is funny too (p. 8-9).
3. On p. 47 she debates which is worse: sleeping with a guy and having him just give you a nod in passing the next day or sleeping with a guy and having him go out of his way to avoid you the next day. she decides this is why she goes out drinking, makes out with guys, and never talks to them again. One potential strategy.
4. on p. 49, she describes her figure as confusing because she has a fat face and thin legs etc. I hate the years when my face was round too, I could sympathize with this about her as well.
5. Another easy thing to relate to was how she lived for her weekend and her days off doing an office retail job: "When five p.m. on Sunday rolled around, I routinely found myself entering a deep depression, which meant either I needed to get a prescription for Valium or face the fact that this was not what I should do with my life. Still, it never occurred to me to quit." I've had countless jobs like that that I hated, but I forced myself to stick with.
6. Another funny part: when she dates the guy with the overly vocal bird who says things that really make you wonder how the guy talks to the bird when she is not around: "Will you kiss me? Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you cunt?..."
7. I also found the part about the woman who hires her to make a video for this man with some sort of strange shoe fetish who wants to watch people kill (step on) bugs in high heels kinda funny.
8. She performs at the same club as Will Ferrell in LA (The Groundlings) and makes out with him at a party!
9. I learned in this book that JFK Jr. had to take the bar 3 times before he passed and the phrases "once you go dick, you never go back for a lick," and "dick whipped."
10. she made me add Dharma and Greg to a long list of sitcoms to watch when she pointed out that Jenna Elfman's character is a scientologist hippie girl marrying a conservative guy for five seasons. maybe it would be worth checking out...someday if I have all the time in the world...
11. I liked all her movie references and show references really (Cagney and Lacey, Charlie's Angels,
12. she is obsessed with cracking her back, and jokes that anyone who will crack her back she will love forever. Easy to relate to. I love to crack my toes and wish my back cracked easier...I used to see a chiropractor and he had a hard time cracking it. Pretty unsatisfying but I would love it if my back did crack because when it does it is satisfying noise and feelings wise.
13. Last thing I could sympathize with that was easy to relate to: she lived beyond her means in her twenties with $18,000 in credit card debt. I only racked up like $5 or 6,000 I think which I am still paying off but I learned my lesson (not to use credit cards), and I got some cool stuff which I still use a lot.
14. Funny point she made in the last chapter: "why is everyone so concerned with how much TV their children watch yet no one thinks that watching Fox news for twenty-four hours straight may not be the best thing for senior citizens to do with their life?" I don't watch that much tv lately at all, but I know some senior citizens who do and I think this is an interesting point- it's not good for them either. ...more

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