You'll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again: One Woman's Painfully Funny Quest to Give It Up Info

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New York Times bestselling author, comedian, and
Chelsea Lately writer Heather McDonald’s hilarious true
story of finding herself in the predicament of being an unwilling virgin
at the age of twenty-seven.

Can’t a girl dress like a
hooker, dance like a stripper, and kiss like a porn star and still be a
nineteen-year-old virgin?

You’ll Never Blue Ball in
This Town Again
is the laugh-out-loud story of an attractive Los
Angeles woman who found herself in the predicament of being an unwilling
virgin. As an actress, writer, and stand-up comedienne, Heather
McDonald passed up ample opportunities to have her V-card revoked by
handsome, rich, and sometimes even fabulously famous men, but she could
not bring herself to do “it” until well after her friends
had been deflowered.

As Chelsea Handler so lovingly puts it,
“Thank God Heather waited twenty-seven years to lose her virginity
or she wouldn’t have any material for this book.” Whether
in a backseat, a community pool, or a sports stadium, with a frat boy, a
doctor, or an A-list celebrity, Heather McDonald knew how to turn those
boys blue. Unlike “putting out,” blue balling might not
have paid her rent or landed her free trips to Hawaii, but it did
provide her with hilarious stories and adventures in her search for true
love—and, ultimately, her very own happy ending. Now, Heather
McDonald will never blue ball in this town again.

Average Ratings and Reviews
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Reviews for You'll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again: One Woman's Painfully Funny Quest to Give It Up:

1

October 24, 2010

Don't Waste Your Money
Synopsis: Comedienne Heather McDonald, best known for her appearances on the hit TV show Chelsea Lately, was a virgin until she was 27 years old. Sure she had lots of boyfriends, was a sorority sister, and went on plenty of dates, but the idealistic California girl was holding out for Mr. Right, while simultaneously holding out on everyone else. McDonald recounts her sexless youth and how she finally "gave it up."

Review: I wish I had not read this book and there are two reasons for that. First, because I disliked this book so much, I wanted and still want my money back. This memoir was a waste of words and paper. The reason I feel that way is the second reason I wish I had not read this book: it made me severely dislike Heather McDonald. I used to really enjoy her appearances on the round table on Chelsea Lately and I thought she was pretty funny. Having read her book, I now find her nauseating.

Throughout her memoir, McDonald makes continual references to her appearance, i.e., how cute she is, how she is too cute to date a certain guy, how a certain guy should be glad someone as cute as she is is dating him, etc. Also, she placed a strange amount of importance on the fact that she was in a sorority in college, and having been in one seemed to continue to affect her present life. Both these things together made McDonald come off as extremely shallow. I did not go into this book with the expectation that McDonald was the deepest, most thought-provoking person in the world. But the excessive shallowness was a complete turn off for me and prevented me from enjoying this book.

Instead of being what could have been a pretty funny memoir, the author was so distasteful as a person that the book was ruined. I would not recommend this memoir to anyone.
1

Oct 24, 2010

Synopsis: Comedienne Heather McDonald, best known for her appearances on the hit TV show Chelsea Lately, was a virgin until she was 27 years old. Sure she had lots of boyfriends, was a sorority sister, and went on plenty of dates, but the idealistic California girl was holding out for Mr. Right, while simultaneously holding out on everyone else. McDonald recounts her sexless youth and how she finally "gave it up."

Review: I wish I had not read this book and there are two reasons for that. First, Synopsis: Comedienne Heather McDonald, best known for her appearances on the hit TV show Chelsea Lately, was a virgin until she was 27 years old. Sure she had lots of boyfriends, was a sorority sister, and went on plenty of dates, but the idealistic California girl was holding out for Mr. Right, while simultaneously holding out on everyone else. McDonald recounts her sexless youth and how she finally "gave it up."

Review: I wish I had not read this book and there are two reasons for that. First, because I disliked this book so much, I wanted and still want my money back. This memoir was a waste of words and paper. The reason I feel that way is the second reason I wish I had not read this book: it made me severely dislike Heather McDonald. I used to really enjoy her appearances on the round table on Chelsea Lately and I thought she was pretty funny. Having read her book, I now find her nauseating.

Throughout her memoir, McDonald makes continual references to her appearance, i.e., how cute she is, how she is too cute to date a certain guy, how a certain guy should be glad someone as cute as she is is dating him, etc. Also, she placed a strange amount of importance on the fact that she was in a sorority in college, and having been in one seemed to continue to affect her present life. Both these things together made McDonald come off as extremely shallow. I did not go into this book with the expectation that McDonald was the deepest, most thought-provoking person in the world. But the excessive shallowness was a complete turn off for me and prevented me from enjoying this book.

Instead of being what could have been a pretty funny memoir, the author was so distasteful as a person that the book was ruined. I would not recommend this memoir to anyone. ...more
2

December 31, 2010

Painful to read
I feel like a 5th grader wrote this book. The grammar is horrible and there are actually typos (don't editors check things like this before publishing a book??). I'm only halfway through, and to be honest, I'm not sure if I can finish the rest. It's mildly entertaining at times, but if I wasn't also from the Valley and wasn't able to personally identify with many of the places she discusses, I would have definitely given up by now. I love the Chelsea books (minus the last one - wasn't as great, but still a fun and easy read) so I took a chance with this one, figuring Chelsea wouldn't promote anything too awful. Overall, there is no story or point to the book, which can be fine if the little stories were interesting, but they are not.
3

June 19, 2010

Just Average
I watch Chelsea Lately regularly and I was really excited to read Heather's book. While some parts of the book were funny, but not hilarious, other parts seemed to drag on and I just wanted to skip ahead. I loved Chelsea's books and did experience a few laugh out loud moments that I had to share with other people. Heather's book just did not do that for me.

I enjoy Heather's appearances on the round-table but I just did not enjoy her book. She seemed to have a hard time staying on focus. In a matter of a few paragraphs, she went from talking about one guy to randomly inserting an anecdote about two others. I was so lost that I had to read those passages again to figure out what just happened. I even caught a few editing mistakes.

Somewhere around chapter 4, I wanted to stop reading but I did not. I kept going thinking, 'It has to get better' but it never did. It drug on for several more chapters.

The book is a quick read and if you can borrow the book from someone, I suggest doing that first. I had really high expectations of the book because she is a funny lady but the book does not reflect that enough.
2

November 21, 2013

Don't waste your money
As a mid 20s virgin myself I was hoping to find in this book a more relatable version of hilarious romantic and sexual encounter similar to Chelsea Handler's books (since a big selling point of this book is that McDonald is a writer for Chelsea Lately). What I got was a whiney, sorority girl accounts of all the guys that she dated, thought she was better than or didn't meet her expectations, then broke up with. That would have been okay if she was making fun of her upbrining and realizing how vapid she at the end, was but it wasn't. That would have been okay if the book was actually funny, but it wasn't at all. I got a couple chuckles but that's it. If this review doesn't put you off at less don't waste the money buying a $4 used copy (it wasn't even worth that) just check it out at your local library.
1

November 5, 2010

love Heather not this book
First off im glad I didnt pay full book price for this when it came out. Seeing others say how funny it was I was rushing to get it. I downloaded it to my kindle for 10 bucks still I wish i hadnt wasted $10. I cant even finish it i get bord I try and make it a page or 2 and turn my kinlde off. I have laughed maybe 2 times and not cause it was funny but dumb. Save you money shes funnier on chelsea when she speaks then this book. it really made her look stupid and not funny and snobish and rude. And half the time you cant even tell whats shes talking about she goes off her story line to relate it to something else and goes on and one for pages and never relates to what she was saying that by the time you get back on track your lost. Save the money and if you must read it borrow it or spend 10 bucks and get it on ur kindle but dont say we havent all told you so...
1

March 3, 2013

Misses the mark on every level
Heather writes this book in much the same vein as Chelsea Handler's books, except, in this case, Heather is downright boring. Each chapter is supposed to be geared towards a particular topic or happening in Heather's life pre-fame, but the content of each chapter meanders into so many different areas, the actual topic at hand probably gets a weak paragraph at best. I cannot even finish this book, it's so ridiculous. A bad attempt at trying to be funny, and trying to be Chelsea Handler. Two thumbs down. Don't waste your money.
2

February 18, 2011

Disappointed
I bought this book when it first came out because I am a huge Chelsea Handler fan. Heather is often on t he show and makes me laugh all the time so it seemed only natural to get her book. I had very high hopes and I was very disappointed. The book was, very simply, boring. She put a lot of funny one liners every now and then but mostly the chapter were filled with worthless details that seemed boring and irrelevant. I don't think the public and readers love Heather McDonald enough to care so much about ever facet of her life. I do not recommend this book unless you are a very devoted and loving Heather fan. Even then, it will not be the Heather you see on T.V. It will be a Heater that You may, like me, have no desire to now.
2

February 5, 2011

Waste of money and time.
I wanted to love this book because I have all of Chelsea Handlers books. She is very smart, quick and funny. Great story teller as well. Turns out the only reason Heather got a book deal is because she is friends with Chelsea Handler and her book agent. I was reading about her keeping her virginity only to find out the she loses it before marriage with a no one. Not even someone she loved. I was shocked and then the book came to a fast close with the meating of her husband. The book was so self involved. I have never heard someone think so highly of themselves. She is not even pretty. Waste of money. Waste of time. Not well written, not funny. Sorry Heather.
3

Jun 27, 2010

What an appropriate title for Heather "LongBoobs" McDonald's new book! I sped through several chapters on Heather's past (sexless) relationships, eager to see exactly how she lost her virginity at age 27, and when the moment of truth finally comes, the entire ordeal is described in ONE MEASLY SENTENCE! Of course, as we all know, Heather ultimately got her happy ending with a loving husband and children, but that part of her life is described in give-or-take 15 pages. As the title promises, I What an appropriate title for Heather "LongBoobs" McDonald's new book! I sped through several chapters on Heather's past (sexless) relationships, eager to see exactly how she lost her virginity at age 27, and when the moment of truth finally comes, the entire ordeal is described in ONE MEASLY SENTENCE! Of course, as we all know, Heather ultimately got her happy ending with a loving husband and children, but that part of her life is described in give-or-take 15 pages. As the title promises, I literally felt "blue-balled" once I reached the story's end. Although Heather often talks about her dry humping expertise, the book lacks a thorough discussion of sex and what it really meant to finally give up her V-card.

By far, my biggest complaint is that the book rambles on so much that it feels like a stream of consciousness writing. I say that because each chapter starts with one story but somehow will lead to ten different tangential stories from Heather's life. With the interminable amount of spatial and temporal jumps, I could never keep any of the stories or character names straight. Almost every chapter was so convoluted that I never understood the significance of the chapter titles. Very haphazard. By the end of the eighth flashback, I would ask myself, "What the hell were we talking about again?"

In spite of its flaws, "You'll Never Blue Ball In This Town Again" delivers some funny moments--McDonald is a comedy writer/stand-up comedienne, after all--but it's not nearly as laugh-out-loud funny as Chelsea Handler's memoirs. ...more
1

May 14, 2014

I didn't finish the book
... but i read about 2/3rds of it and was bored. It was not painfully funny, it was more like a one or two giggles mixed in with a few eye rolls and a "oh i've done that and it was no big deal, but THIS got her a book deal?" I'm sure it is funny or interesting to someone that never went to college or never drank too much or had a little fun. I'd read something else... if you were looking for light hearted and funny, pass on this.
1

March 3, 2016

Do not buy!!
This book is HORRIBLE!!!! Do NOT buy. Do NOT read. Do NOT waste your life and time. You will truly never get it back and it is not worth it. Horrible writing, horrible story line. Horrible all around.
1

March 21, 2016

dont waste your money.
Shes annoying and a terrible writer.
1

November 2, 2014

One Star
Yes Heather we get it you made a bunch of mistakes. I couldn't finish this awful book.
1

November 30, 2013

Do not purchase
Just terrible. Heather McDonald is not witty or entertaining, but annoying and self centered. The book was a big let down.
1

October 5, 2013

At Least I Can Get Back What I Paid for it In a Garage Sale
Being a fan of Chelsea Handler and a fan of her books, I thought I would check it out. I should have read the reviews and saved myself the time I can never get back from reading this book. It was horrible, I'm an easy laugh but I never laughed ONCE. I skipped over page after page trying to get to the end HOPING it would get better. I was BORED and found myself falling asleep more than it keeping my interest. I felt like she was trying to hard to be funny and found herself to be funnier than probably most of the people who read it. Thankfully all I paid was 1 cent for the book. It cost more to ship it to me and the seller was probably more than happy to get rid of it. I won't get back the time I wasted reading it, but at least when I put it in the .25 cent pile at my next garage sale I will have made more off the book than I bought it for.
1

September 29, 2013

Warning! Not funny, shallow, and a waste of time.
I implore you not to purchase or even borrow this book in order to read it. I've become a big fan and proponent of Chelsea Handler. Amazon will recommend this book & Heather's other book, My Inappropriate Life, if you are looking for Chelsea Handler books. Do NOT fall prey to this ploy as I did! Heather is a wannabe Chelsea Handler who lacks the edgy, sarcastic, honest, hilarious quality that Chelsea has. In My Inappropriate Life all she does is swing off of Chelsea's proverbial nuts & keep reminding you that she is a writer on her show.

In this book Heather is by far the most shallow, vapid, gold digging, twit ever! This books goes through her "exploits" with men who she doesn't sleep with but only makes out with and dry humps with while dressed like a common street walker. P.S. this is only after requiring them to take her out to expensive dinners or very nice dates. forget just hanging out with this shallow nut for free. You need to put out some cash on a date to dry hump this sorority girl. She doesn't seem to understand why guys then don't understand or be upset when she tells them she is a virgin. She discusses her "type" of man who just seems to be anyone that is gorgeous, wealthy, and was or is a fraternity brother. She is OBSESSED with having gone to USC and with being a sorority girl. Absolutely obsessed. Heather really believes herself to be God's gift to men because she is just so stunningly gorgeous. Wake up Heather and stop dreaming! You may be fashionable & skinny but you aren't pretty! I don't know how she has made a career for herself! She just sounds like the absolute stereotype for a valley girl and doesn't have anything worthwhile to contribute to any conversation, ever.

I didn't finish this book as I couldn't force myself to indulge her delusions any longer. I really found that this book made me absolutely hate Heather McDonald. Please don't waste any time or money on this book. It is already a waste of paper.
2

June 21, 2013

Laurie's review
Heather's life is not as fascinating as she would like you to believe. Chelsea's life is much more interesting and funny.
2

May 31, 2012

I feel blue balled
Chapters, and chapters, and lines and lines of dull and ditzy dates, and McDonald glosses over the most interesting part in 2 hectic paragraphs.
So glad I'm done reading it.
2

April 10, 2012

I'm a big fan of Heather's
I'm a big fan of Heather McDonald, and I have been ever since I started watching Chelsea Lately. I was so excited to purchase this book and I started reading it the second it came. At first it was funny, but by the fourth chapter you start to realize how full of herself Heather was and probably still is. The book is so scattered, from one story to another and back to the original story. Sometimes i did not know which man she was talking about because she'd start telling a page long story about an encounter in the middle of another encounter. I'm halfway through with it and I do not want to finish. Very disappointed :(
3

June 11, 2010

Funny But Silly
You'll laugh a lot. Highly recommended for those looking for silliness. Sad that price fixing in e-books makes the hardcover cheaper than the ebook.
3

Jan 12, 2014

This odd book is sometimes offensive, other times contains shreds of morality, and ends up being strangely intriguing. McDonald writes about losing her virginity. Or not losing her virginity would be a better way to put it. She goes until age 27 before she finally does it with a guy, and when she does we get only one paragraph about it. So if you're waiting for a big reveal, there isn't one.

Instead we get a lot of stories that show what a selfish, bratty, sexual tease she is. She sleeps with This odd book is sometimes offensive, other times contains shreds of morality, and ends up being strangely intriguing. McDonald writes about losing her virginity. Or not losing her virginity would be a better way to put it. She goes until age 27 before she finally does it with a guy, and when she does we get only one paragraph about it. So if you're waiting for a big reveal, there isn't one.

Instead we get a lot of stories that show what a selfish, bratty, sexual tease she is. She sleeps with guys but stops them before they can enter her. She dry humps guys. She kisses complete strangers and leads them to believe she'll give them more. And she does it all claiming to be an innocent Catholic schoolgirl.

What she finally reveals late in the book is that at age nine she was confronted by a male flasher--twice. That certainly did something to scar her but she never treats it as anything more than a joke. The whole book is written in a joking style so you are never sure if what she is writing is true or not. She even has a happy ending, of sorts, when she meets the man she is going to marry--only to discover months later that he got a woman pregnant the night before she went out with him. But her marriage and family get the joke treatment as well.

She isn't a very consistent writer and this needs a good editor. She jumps back and forth so at times she doesn't make sense--when writing about a guy she meets she'll jump back to ten years earlier with a different guy or jump five years ahead to someone he reminds her of, then come back later and complete the story. She is, however, good at dishing dirt on some of the Hollywood types she dated or kissed or just sexually teased. You end up feeling sorry for all of them.

What makes the book work is that there is a moral to it--that there's nothing wrong with waiting to have sex. And that girls shouldn't tell guys they're virgins because guys will immediately dump them. But she doesn't seem to get that in her case she was so obnoxious that she was going to get dumped whether she told them or not. ...more
1

Jan 20, 2011

This book was not nearly as funny as I thought it would be. I thought since she was a comedian with Chelsea Handler that it would have some semblance of humor; however, I was wrong. It is not funny. Sure, there are a couple funny one liners, but that's it. All she talks about is being in a sorority at USC and her experiences dating people who wanted to have sex with her, but she held onto her V-Card. When the time did come that she lost her virginity, it was only a small paragraph about it. The This book was not nearly as funny as I thought it would be. I thought since she was a comedian with Chelsea Handler that it would have some semblance of humor; however, I was wrong. It is not funny. Sure, there are a couple funny one liners, but that's it. All she talks about is being in a sorority at USC and her experiences dating people who wanted to have sex with her, but she held onto her V-Card. When the time did come that she lost her virginity, it was only a small paragraph about it. The purpose of the book was to talk about her dating life up until the point she lost her virginity at the age of 27, but instead all she talked about was slutty sorority girls and frat parties. OH, and the time she met Jerry Seinfeld and Vince Vaughn. The point where she actually lost her virginity was a huge let down.

This book was not worth the $9 I spent on it; however, there is good news. It IS the perfect book to regift for someone's birthday!

DO NOT BUY THIS BOOK!

I'm only giving it one star because, let's face it, she did actually write a book. And as a writer myself, that deserves one star. ...more
3

May 10, 2011

Really between 2 and 3 stars for me. I enjoyed it. Although I have the feeling if you asked me about it next week I might be hard pressed to tell you that much about it. While working it out though, it was an enjoyable and quick read. She's pretty funny. Her writing is, even though it feels as if she's continually setting up her own jokes, funny. You got to give it up (see what I did there, aren't I fucking clever!) for a girl who doesn't lose her V until she's 27.

**This is also My Lovely Really between 2 and 3 stars for me. I enjoyed it. Although I have the feeling if you asked me about it next week I might be hard pressed to tell you that much about it. While working it out though, it was an enjoyable and quick read. She's pretty funny. Her writing is, even though it feels as if she's continually setting up her own jokes, funny. You got to give it up (see what I did there, aren't I fucking clever!) for a girl who doesn't lose her V until she's 27.

**This is also My Lovely Bride's Book...I feel compelled to say, lest you think I'm a bigger freak than you might already think. I was in between having anything to read and well, it was the first thing I saw.** ...more
2

Aug 13, 2010

I read this book for the sole reason that Heather McDonald is a friend of Chelsea Handler, not to mention a writer on her show. Although it seems this book was an attempt to write in the style of Ms. Handler, the tangents and less interesting stories was a bit of a letdown. If I was asked why I fell this book did not live up to Ms. Handler's books, I would say that Ms. Handler is more willing to be candid and honest, while Ms. McDonald seemed to be holding back.

The charm of Ms. Handler's books I read this book for the sole reason that Heather McDonald is a friend of Chelsea Handler, not to mention a writer on her show. Although it seems this book was an attempt to write in the style of Ms. Handler, the tangents and less interesting stories was a bit of a letdown. If I was asked why I fell this book did not live up to Ms. Handler's books, I would say that Ms. Handler is more willing to be candid and honest, while Ms. McDonald seemed to be holding back.

The charm of Ms. Handler's books is that she is so candid and willing to share so much with the reader in a style that is written so well that it accomplishes being both racy and heartfelt. This book did not.

...more

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