4.20

3

Jun 27, 2019

In an ideal world this is how I would like to parent... compassionately, patiently, lovingly, respectful of my child's autonomy and uniqueness, and without punishment and/or goals/rewards. The book has good guiding principles that fit with my belief system and intention to inflict as little trauma and build my children up as much as possible into strong and emotionally resilient intrinsically-motivated human beings.

However, from a practical standpoint. I didn't have many aha moments. For sure In an ideal world this is how I would like to parent... compassionately, patiently, lovingly, respectful of my child's autonomy and uniqueness, and without punishment and/or goals/rewards. The book has good guiding principles that fit with my belief system and intention to inflict as little trauma and build my children up as much as possible into strong and emotionally resilient intrinsically-motivated human beings.

However, from a practical standpoint. I didn't have many aha moments. For sure good parenting like much described in the book requires patient consistent effort to see longer term results, but some of the practical advice left me wanting something more. For example, how to coax a child to get ready for the day or to leave for school, when all he wants to do is stay home with Mommy and Daddy? You can't just love / respect / distract / have fun with a toddler out of that situation. What is the natural consequence to draw on to solve that challenge? Maybe I missed that example, but I can think of many more where I wouldn't be able to find an "effective strategy" within the text of the book. Perhaps it is just a failure of imagination / application of the admirable strategies laid out within. ...more

2

Nov 20, 2019

Another discipline book that says it’s wrong to punish—including time-outs and taking away possessions. This one is not as bad as “No Drama Discipline.” This one is shorter and more to the point. I liked that it divided chapters based on the age of the child, and gave developmental information about each age. It had a few interesting tips (like when asking for compliance, try saying, “It would be helpful if . . . ” [123]), but the main message was still flawed. At least this book says not to Another discipline book that says it’s wrong to punish—including time-outs and taking away possessions. This one is not as bad as “No Drama Discipline.” This one is shorter and more to the point. I liked that it divided chapters based on the age of the child, and gave developmental information about each age. It had a few interesting tips (like when asking for compliance, try saying, “It would be helpful if . . . ” [123]), but the main message was still flawed. At least this book says not to give in to your child’s demands (97) or whining (141). But it was still too spoiling; whenever your child wants your attention, you’re supposed to “completely stop what you’re doing and tune in” (97).

“When I asked a group of parents to name the characteristics they hoped their children would embody someday in the future, nobody mentioned blind obedience. . . . These parents hoped their children would become adults who were happy, responsible, independent, compassionate, honest, determined, curious, resilient, intrinsically motivated, and good problem-solvers” (5).
Yet despite most kids in generations past being raised by their parents to blindly obey, those kids still generally became adults who were those positive words above. Obedience has its place. There are times in life when you’re expected to obey, even as an adult: you’re supposed to obey your college professor, your military leader, and your boss or supervisor. There is a hierarchy. And parents are the superiors of their children, and that is why children are expected to obey. Teaching kids to obey their superiors does not prevent them from being all of those above words.

15 “Disciplinary strategies that are belittling, threatening, manipulative, deceiving, coercive, or sarcastic may gain your child’s obedience, but they will not gain your child’s cooperation. Trust is earned, not demanded.”
Yet most kids who were spanked do grow up to trust and respect their parents.

The author thinks letting a 2 year old pick what to wear is discipline (5).
The dictionary defines discipline as:
1. punishment inflicted by way of correction and training.
2. to bring to a state of order and obedience by training and control.
3. to punish or penalize in order to train and control; correct; chastise.

The author says she advocates for consequences, not punishment. Punishment sends the message, “If I don’t obey, I will be made to suffer” (94). But the author’s examples of good consequences are the parent saying the following to the misbehaving child (95):
1. “I understand how hard it is.”
This is not consequence; it’s just talking and empathizing.
2. “I am feeling so frustrated. I need to step away and go calm myself down.”
This is not consequence; it’s the parent putting herself in time out while the child gets to continue getting his way.
3. “Let’s pick up your toys together, and then we will have a dance party.”
This is not a consequence; it’s reward.
So what if the child does not behave or do as told after these strategies are tried? Just continue to talk/empathize, put yourself in time-out, and offer more rewards? At best, the child will get her way most of the time, and at worst she will be rewarded for bad behavior.

“Common tantrum triggers for this age include being hungry, not getting enough sleep or being ready for a nap, feeling overstimulated, craving more independence, experiencing a disruption in routine” (28).
What about throwing a tantrum for simply not getting their way? Turning off the TV or taking away the tablet too soon, not letting them have a toy or candy they see in the grocery store, etc.? It’s like the authors don’t want to place any blame at all on the child; in their eyes, the child is perfectly innocent and they are throwing a tantrum not out of selfishness but because of the cruel external world’s influence.

According to this book, kids who are rude and insulting “don’t mean it” (139). Even a child lying is something for the parent to be happy about; the child has reached a developmental milestone and is exercising her imagination (134)! The author says that if you lie to your kid, you should expect the kid to lie to you. But later she recommends lying to your kid in response to the kid whining: “This car ride is so boooring. Next time I’m buying a car with wings” (142).

The book’s example of good parenting in action: “I also made sure that telling the truth didn’t get him in trouble even if the offense would normally be followed with some consequence. The perpetual lying calmed down with a few months” (137).
Of course the child will stop lying. “Yes, Mommy, I colored on the wall, and I’m gonna do it again too! Let’s clean it up together like we did last time! It’s so much fun!” There’s no reason to hide the truth when the truth doesn’t get you in trouble.

According to the author, a child whining for a candy bar at the store doesn’t really want the candy bar. Oh no. They are just “bored, frustrated, hungry, tired, or feeling ignored” (141). Bored? But what if the child *insisted* on coming to the store with the parent rather than stay at home? Tired? If the child were offered a nap, I doubt he would want one. Hungry? I doubt if the child was offered some carrot sticks to snack on, this would erase the whining for the candy bar. Feeling ignored? I also doubt if the parent pays the kid some attention, it’s going to erase the whining for the candy bar. Frustrated? Sure, frustrated that they can’t have the candy bar! The author says not to allow the child to have whatever he was whining about because “giving in reinforces this behavior,” (141) but then on the next page seems to contradict herself by saying “if you really want to stop the whining, you need to stop what you’re doing and give your child your full attention” (142). But attention seeking was one of the reasons given by the author for the whining in the first place. So giving the child attention is giving the child what he wants.

The book addresses a one year old hitting or biting, but says this is innocent because she is “not capable of purposely trying to hurt you or anyone else” and “it is in fact your child’s job to test boundaries” (40). The poor child is probably just teething or hungry and can’t use language to tell us of her troubles (41).
But it doesn’t even talk about a 4 year old being aggressive or violent. Hmm, I wonder why? Because the excuse used for the younger child can’t be used for the 4 year old! The child is not so innocent anymore; the child is choosing to hurt someone! This fact is completely ignored! ...more

5

Nov 12, 2018

This book is perfect for busy parents who would like a little guidance on gentle discipline for their children. When you are a gentle parent and a Montessori parent like I am, sometimes there is a misconception that children shouldn’t be disciplined at all. This book guides the parent through many scenarios common to each age. Then it gives useful and practical advice on how to help both the parent and the child through the behaviours. Its is broken up into age sections meaning you can This book is perfect for busy parents who would like a little guidance on gentle discipline for their children. When you are a gentle parent and a Montessori parent like I am, sometimes there is a misconception that children shouldn’t be disciplined at all. This book guides the parent through many scenarios common to each age. Then it gives useful and practical advice on how to help both the parent and the child through the behaviours. Its is broken up into age sections meaning you can immediately go to the section most relevent to your child and if you are busy like most parents are, you can read the most pressing issues facing you. My child is almost 3 and a half and I found the advice given very helpful. It also helps to reframe your mindset on certain behaviours by explaining why the child is exhibiting them. My child has recently started lying. This is covered in the 4 year old section, but I skiped forward to read that part too as it was relevent. I am now using the techniques shared in the book when my child lies. I don’t think it is an immediate fix but I do think it will lead to a healthier relationship between my child and I. In the end I don’t want my child to hide things from me or lie because they fear punishment. I’d like them to be able to come to me and tell me anything.

I’d recommend this book to any parent. ...more

5

Nov 11, 2018

Toddler Discipline for Every Age and Stage is hands down the best parenting book I’ve read to date. It is a gold mine of information and helpful suggestions for navigating frustrating and tough parenting situations, all while clearly pointing out my toddler’s developmental capability during those situations. This book has given me the tools to diffuse and even stop tantrums before they begin by enabling me to view my toddler’s behavior to certain situations through his eyes and evaluate why the Toddler Discipline for Every Age and Stage is hands down the best parenting book I’ve read to date. It is a gold mine of information and helpful suggestions for navigating frustrating and tough parenting situations, all while clearly pointing out my toddler’s developmental capability during those situations. This book has given me the tools to diffuse and even stop tantrums before they begin by enabling me to view my toddler’s behavior to certain situations through his eyes and evaluate why the behavior is occurring in the first place. I love that the book is extremely easy to navigate and Aubrey has real life practical suggestions for every type of situation: tantrums, sleeping, toilet learning, mealtimes, non-compliance, etc. Each age section begins with an overview of what that age child is capable of developmentally, along with limitations, before moving onto strategies for age-appropriate disciple and then highlighting common issues parents face during this age. As a parent to a one and three year old in the midst of navigating toddlerhood I highly recommend this book, I’m extremely grateful it now resides in my parenting toolbox! ...more

5

Mar 29, 2019

I soared through reading this book. A true page-turner!

I angrily texted my mother about my frustrations with my fourth son, a 2-year-toddler, and she told me to check my email. She had gifted me this book through Amazon and I got to reading it straightaway, as I told her I needed all the help I could get.

Our first full day after my binge-reading (I wrapped up the entire book in 3 hours) our relationship was much less strained. We tend to see our children’s successes and create unrealistic I soared through reading this book. A true page-turner!

I angrily texted my mother about my frustrations with my fourth son, a 2-year-toddler, and she told me to check my email. She had gifted me this book through Amazon and I got to reading it straightaway, as I told her I needed all the help I could get.

Our first full day after my binge-reading (I wrapped up the entire book in 3 hours) our relationship was much less strained. We tend to see our children’s successes and create unrealistic expectations in all areas of their development. I needed a reset and to hear some sound advice for my 2-year-old that sometimes behaves like a 3-year-old, but is still just a 2-year-old!

Thank you for giving me a chance at sustaining healthy communication with my son and for allowing me insight into teaching methods for misbehavior.

If you are hesitant about which parenting book to select, choose this one, and then read the rest because we truly do need all the help we can get.

-Single Mom of 4 Sons ...more

5

Nov 07, 2018

I have a one year old and a four year old, and I find the chapters for each accurate and immediately useful. I jumped to the spots that were immediately applicable, which is convenient as a busy mom.

I wish I had this book when my four year old was one as I see many things I could have done differently with this advice.

This books appeals to me because its approach is respectful to our children and shines light on why they are behaving the way they are. Understanding where they are at diffuses the I have a one year old and a four year old, and I find the chapters for each accurate and immediately useful. I jumped to the spots that were immediately applicable, which is convenient as a busy mom.

I wish I had this book when my four year old was one as I see many things I could have done differently with this advice.

This books appeals to me because its approach is respectful to our children and shines light on why they are behaving the way they are. Understanding where they are at diffuses the level of frustration I experience when they are behaving in a way that challenges me.

Finally, it helped me understand where my children are at is completely normal for their developmental phase and not anything that should concern me.

This is a valuable resource for both new and experienced parents of toddlers! ...more

4

Jul 18, 2019

It doesn't take long to read this book. And you can read for the age of the child that you are expecting to discipline if you want. I read the entire book and found it useful. I liked that they described certain behaviors to expect at a certain age, why they are present, strategies to deal with emotionally tense moments and so on. I've tried some of these strategies and kept some of these tips in mind and I believe that they work. I especially liked that this book initially mentions that It doesn't take long to read this book. And you can read for the age of the child that you are expecting to discipline if you want. I read the entire book and found it useful. I liked that they described certain behaviors to expect at a certain age, why they are present, strategies to deal with emotionally tense moments and so on. I've tried some of these strategies and kept some of these tips in mind and I believe that they work. I especially liked that this book initially mentions that discipline is a long-term challenge to tackle with children. It's not something to get out of the way at the moment or expect quick and easy fixes for. ...more

5

Jun 19, 2019

This book is full of amazing little nuggets and easily implemented recommendations on how to foster your relationship with your toddler. As a Montessori teacher, many of these techniques are variations on how I interact with my students (adolescents= second toddlerhood), but it was great to have examples of conversations about lying and death, for example. I got this book through interlibrary loan, and will be suggesting my library purchase a copy for our catalog AND buying my own copy for when This book is full of amazing little nuggets and easily implemented recommendations on how to foster your relationship with your toddler. As a Montessori teacher, many of these techniques are variations on how I interact with my students (adolescents= second toddlerhood), but it was great to have examples of conversations about lying and death, for example. I got this book through interlibrary loan, and will be suggesting my library purchase a copy for our catalog AND buying my own copy for when my 17 mo starts lying... ...more

3

Apr 03, 2019

Perhaps I had higher expectations for this book but there wasn't much on strategizing for tantrums and challenges . Rather the author expects that a child simply needs to get their feelings out there and eventually, they'll realize that tantruming doesn't give them what they want. Really don't believe that's a viable way to deal with tantrums.

The most helpful bits were on talking to your child. Always a good reminder to get down on their level and use simple words.

3/5 stars

4

Jan 12, 2019

Practical tips

Practical tips and examples for parenting and disciplining your toddler. I liked that the author has the book organized by age and explains where your toddler should be developmentally while giving dos and donts of discipline.

5

Jun 25, 2019

Hope it helps with my two year old.

Currently in a power struggle with my two year old and need something to give! I hope this helps I can’t wait to try.

4

Jul 03, 2019

Read it cover to cover as the ages include those I teach. Mostly things I already know/do but some good reminders and tips. Will refer back to it as my daughter hits each age.

5

Feb 25, 2019

Amazing detail.. Well structured.. I love the detailed description of the different stages of development, and the various practical suggestions offered as a parenting tool.. The suggestions are certainly achievable for a parent aspiring to be respectful and playful in their approach