The Man's Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the Love Lab About What Women Really Want Info

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Results from world-renowned relationship expert John
Gottman’s famous Love Lab have proven an incredible truth: Men
make or break relationships. Based on 40 years of research, The
Man’s Guide to Women
unlocks the mystery of how to attract,
satisfy, and succeed with a woman for a lifetime. For the first time
ever, there is a science-based answer to the age-old question: What do
women really want in a man?
Dr. Gottman, author of the New
York Times
bestseller The Seven Principles for Making Marriage
and his wife and collaborator, clinical psychologist Julie
Schwartz Gottman, PhD, have pored over the research along with
bestselling coauthors Douglas Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams, MD.
Together, they have written this definitive guide for men, providing
answers on everything from how to approach a woman and build a
connection with her to how to truly satisfy her in bed and know when the
relationship is on the right track. The Man’s Guide to Women
is a must-have playbook for how to play—and win—the game
of love.

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Reviews for The Man's Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the Love Lab About What Women Really Want:


December 22, 2016

Gottman’s Next Book: Where to Find a “Hero”
I bought this book because I am a woman in a destroyed marriage trying to understand my probably soon-to-be ex-husband better. I’m a scientist and a feminist – someone who would instinctively cringe at a title like “The Man’s Guide to Women.” I bought it mainly because I had read Gottman’s other books on communication in relationships and found those well-researched, reasonable, and helpful – but honestly, I wasn’t expecting as much with this one. I ended up reading it several times over. I would agree wholeheartedly with Gottman’s descriptions of what women want, how women flirt, how women process emotions, how women communicate, and how women feel comforted and loved by their men. The only thing I would disagree with in this book is Gottman's support of "space-maximizing behavior" like manspreading. Noo! Encroaching on my leg space to show your dominance is not attractive, research be damned.

On the whole, though, I understand myself better, and I also understand better some deeply painful conflicts I’ve had with my spouse that are apparently extremely common in heterosexual relationships. I understand my man better. As a woman in a failing marriage whose issues with my husband are highlighted throughout (and it goes both ways – Gottman correctly identified my husband’s complaints about me as the most common issues men have with women), my needs and perspective felt validated in this book. If you’ve ever been in a failing relationship, you know those self-doubts – is it mostly me? Am I being unreasonable or crazy asking for this from my partner and my relationship? Ladies, if you are going through a painful and confusing breakup, this is a surprisingly therapeutic book to read, as well as a solid guide on what to look for in your next mate. And men, listen to Gottman. If you have a woman whom you love but you’re stuck at an impasse in your relationship, put your wall down. Try following Gottman’s advice for a month or two. You have nothing to lose but so much to gain, even if your situation with this particular woman doesn’t work out. If you’re a single man who has read this book and you are this “hero” Gottman describes, go forth and spread Gottman's recommendations to your male brethren. And if I’m single in six months, call me!

October 4, 2017

Bizarre, superficial, and potentially dangerous advice
The lead author has spent decades observing couples and the evolution of their relationships, but appears to step far outside of his comfort zone in a book that purports to explain how to understand, attract, and please women. Some standard facts and good advice are intermingled with advice that borders on alarming, and could point men in the wrong direction. A well-intentioned book thus ends up as misguided and potentially dangerous.

On Attracting Women: Readers are advised to take up more physical space with their arms and legs (manspread), and to speak with a deeper voice than usual; I’m surprised the author doesn’t recommend wearing high heels since height is considered attractive. When it comes to conversation, he recommends that men talk about their hobbies in a way that shows social dominance: “if you collect stamps, be the most powerful, high status stamp collector there is.”

On Understanding Women’s Minds: Two thirds of the chapter on this topic is about the emotional changes associated with the menstrual cycle, which seems like quite the missed opportunity to help men understand women. Bizarrely, the author even laments the lost practice from certain "traditional cultures," in which “there was often a place where menstruating women could go to be alone during this time of the month, where they could be relieved of tasks and have time for introspection and reflection.”

On Physical Cues in Sex: “If she is well lubricated... she wants you to enter her… If her vaginal juices spread down her thigh and buttocks, she is deeply satisfied.” Any reader of “Come As You Are” is likely to be deeply alarmed by this. While lubrication is often a sign of arousal, it is far from being an indicator of a specific desire or consent, or a sure-fire sign of deep satisfaction.

As someone who has read much other literature on sex and attraction, I get the sense that the author did not, and that he made little effort to complement his research on couples with research on single men attracting women. While the byline includes his spouse and another couple, every single personal anecdote in the book is about the lead male author John Gottman, leaving me to wonder if this was truly a collaborative effort or whether women were added to the byline to give a sense of balance. Given that some of the advice seems to come from a man with a 1960’s view of the world (women should be alone during their periods; men should take up physical space to show their dominance), this book would benefit from a re-write with proper review by women.

January 31, 2018

Simple, uncomplicated, straight-forward! LOVE it!
My husband wanted this book. And we (together) couldn't be happier with it. Easy to read and straight-forward. My husband is a self-proclaimed, "Non-reader" unless he has to be. He would rather watch a video (which is a good idea too) than spend time reading words from a book. But this has his attention. And he has been reading to me often with the book in hand, his eyes dart upward when he reads something said by Dr. Gottman, as if to check to see it that resonates with me. I nod and smile or say things like "Yep!", "DEAD-ON" or "not always" - things of that nature. We are learning how work even harder on our marriage of 13 years and going. Marriage is hard work. But entirely worth the energy. And this book is helping my "goal-oriented" husband reach for some new insights and work on some areas with me to help strengthen our marriage for the long-haul. I admire my husband MORE because he is taking the time to read this material with me and continue to grow as a man. I adore him for this actually! And definitely would encourage other husbands and wives to grab a copy and read the simple, uncomplicated words written in this book. You may laugh out loud. You might get a bit wide-eyed. And you may find yourselves enjoying the learning curve. We definitely recommend!

September 5, 2016

Demeaning View of Realationships
This book is presented as a scientific work that reveals secrets about what women really want. It falls short on several counts. This is because the upshot of the book is that men should do everything to make a woman feel happy and safe, even if it means changing their behavior in the extreme to meet her needs, no matter how demanding those needs are. The author’s basic assumption is that all men really want out of a relationship is sex. This limits his approach to relationships.

Gottman builds his case for how all men should treat women on a generalization that is not typical for most women and could be seen as a demeaning stereotype. He sees women as being afraid for their lives at all times and that the only way to relate to them is to make them feel safe by subjugating the man’s behavior. It leads directly to the loss of the male identity in order to nurse the feelings of fear and inferiority that he says all women feel. This may apply to the women he runs across in his practice as a marriage counselor and psychologist, but it does not seem to reflect the true range of women in the world.

His stereotype of men as hopeless rubes who are generally wrong about most things is based on circumstantial and anecdotal evidence, again gleaned apparently from personal observation of patients or studies of people who are having difficulty in their relationships, not people having normal or even happy relationships. As a result his assumptions and conclusions are biased. The work is hardly scientific.
He also equates all men to either ‘heroes’ or ‘zeros,’ his terms for winners and losers. This binary nomenclature is based on the men who either embrace all his requirements to please and conform to women versus those who ‘don’t get it’ and may not comply with all of his demands. His characterization of men is often derogatory and his characterization of women is that they are fragile bundles of fear, emotion and self-loathing. He makes men sound like Neanderthals and women sound like they are all neurotic. Many of his comments about men’s behavior are weird and condescending. Again he may be simply repeating what he has been told. This is hardly a solid basis for a discussion of people, much less for personal relationships.

There are some insights into how some women think and he raises the woman’s point of view for men to better understand. These are helpful if you take them with a grain of salt. So it is not a complete waste of time to read, but there must be better choices for men to read if they want to learn about relationships.

January 30, 2017

Useful, yet condescending
First let me say that I hold John Gottman in the highest esteem. His work in the field of marriage is groundbreaking to say the least, and in my experience nothing short of a godsend. Yet I have to wonder if it is indeed fair to hold this work up to the standard of his previous books, mostly because it is addressed entirely to the male gender. Which is where the presentation goes off the rails in my opinion. As far as the practicality, relevance and accuracy of the information presented in this book, I offer no dispute. It is the tone and presentation that has me disappointed. I have never considered myself an intellectual, but if the neanderthal this book addresses is a run-of-the-mill male humanoid, then I may be an intellectual dweeb after all. Once again, the advice is relevant and putting it into practice will yield positive results; but this book does not do itself any favors by assuming all its readers are mouth-breathing numbskulls with no life skills at all. Worth the read, but it feels like wading through an MTV teen sitcom to get the information.

December 19, 2016

This book reads like all men are cave man idiots..
Is this a joke? This is the most patronizing book towards men that I've ever read. This talks to guys like they are complete idiots that are totally incapable of actually figuring out the bare basics in human relationships. Do you seriously need to tell someone "You might be a zero if when upset you resort to physical violence" ? I read a couple of passages to my husband and we were both appalled. Glad it was from the library, wow.

August 18, 2018

It helped us SO much!
I bought this for my boyfriend and I LOVE this book! I’m a fan of Dr. John Gottman, and I found this while searching for new couples books. I’m so glad I gave it to him and he is too. Not only did he finish the book, he very much enjoyed it. He said that the way the information is presented to him, helps him understand why I do some of the things I do. It comes from a scientific approach and he’s actually starting use some of the material during our disagreements. My boyfriend is now the Official Lady Tamer of the Northwest!

I asked my bf to quickly share some words in this review and this is what he has to say, “If you want to be in a successful, long term relationship, you NEED to read this book!”

May 30, 2017

Be Perfect. Or you're a Zero.
The authors of this work are legitimately knowledgeable, though I walk away from this text feeling I'd have been better served by reading their research. This reads like a pop-psychology rendering of why we turn each other off as humans. And that's where it leaves the reader. She doesn't like your scent--the one that's biologically hardwired? Zero. You didn't make a move at the right time? Zero. The color of your shirt reminds her of the time in second grade she didn't like her friend's socks? Zero.

The assertions and descriptions of mechanism made by the author's is certainly accurate. It is the authors' inability to bridge fact with advice that makes this work seem more like an explanation that intimacy and relationships are biologic happenstance. Quite often I felt the authors could have saved us all time by saying "If you're born to play the game, and savvy to the rest, you're a Hero. If not, you're a Zero."

If you didn't know biology is a controlling factor of relationships, this book is a good introduction. Otherwise, I recommend passing.

June 14, 2017

Really really sexist, in a bad way, against men.
This book was super-offensive to me as a man. Women are always afraid for their physical safety, but they are under no obligation to improve that situation by taking martial arts lessons. Instead, I must protect her or I'm a zero. She is insecure about her body because of the media. Again, instead of working on her own confidence, I am responsible for making her feel better or I am a zero. She can criticize me as much as she wants, but if I ever say a negative word about her then I'm a zero and the relationship will end. The main premise of the book: wait on a woman hand and foot, bow to her every need, let her walk all over you like a doormat and don't even think of yourself. Why? Because women are beautiful and gorgeous and amazing.

Aside from that, the book claimed to be sharing scientific secrets about love, when it was clearly the delusional fantasies of the female authors of the book. Many of the chapters didn't even include one reference to a psychological study, and every tenet presented read like this:
"All women want a man who does this. All women want a man who does that. If you don't do it, then you are a zero."

I can't imagine how poorly received such a book would be if it were "The women's guide to men":
-You must stay in shape and be skinny, or else you are a Zero.
-You must learn to cook and be sweet and submissive, or else you are a Zero.
-Men don't like confident women, so don't be confident. Or else you are a Zero.

I'm giving this book 3 stars. Zero stars for delivery but 5 stars for content, because it actually did help me understand women a bit more. The score averages to 2.5 stars, rounded up to 3.

Mar 09, 2018

Yeah, I laughed when my mother recommended this book to me. It does sound pretty sleazy. But my mother probably has a stronger opinion about quality than I do. There had to be something here, or she wouldn't recommend it.

Still, I waited until it was only a few bucks on Kindle.

Right off, the authors waste no time telling you "the secret" of what women want, and I'll go ahead and spoil it: trustworthiness. Now that's a loaded word. I talked to a few of my woman friends about the book as I was Yeah, I laughed when my mother recommended this book to me. It does sound pretty sleazy. But my mother probably has a stronger opinion about quality than I do. There had to be something here, or she wouldn't recommend it.

Still, I waited until it was only a few bucks on Kindle.

Right off, the authors waste no time telling you "the secret" of what women want, and I'll go ahead and spoil it: trustworthiness. Now that's a loaded word. I talked to a few of my woman friends about the book as I was reading it, and they at first disagreed. As I asked them what trustworthiness meant to them, we were all slowly converted to the idea.

And that's good, because, let me tell you, that right there pissed me off on first reading. Thing is, I live with some great guys, and not a single (heh) one of them has had long-term success in their dating relationships. And they were super trustworthy, so far as I could tell. I was really ready to be disappointed with women in general if that's all they wanted, and yet they couldn't see it even when it asked them on a date time and again.

On top of that, the authors frequently say that what men want is no confrontation and sex. I'm not that simple. I want a relationship. Acceptance. Affection. Love. I don't know how much time and experience would have to elapse before I'd be thinking about sex in the relationship.

Then I kept reading.

Yeah, it's deeper. On both sides of the coin.

The authors really have done their research. 40 years of it. This book is the result of those findings.

Turns out, there really is a lot I only superficially understand about dating and relationships. I didn't understand how to tell if a woman is interested, for example. Sure, I've recognized it a few times for my part, and a lot for others. But I'm kind of a masochist when it comes to doing things that are hard.

I didn't want to have any regrets when it came to my dating life. And, for my part, that meant that I would always ask out a girl if I was interested and she was available. Turns out, I could avoid a lot of nos if I just checked to see if she was interested first. Most women give off cues subconsciously. Some consciously. And yeah, some are oblivious themselves.

I also learned how to talk to women better. How to ask open ended questions and steer conversations in positive directions. And, perhaps hardest of all, to talk about the things I was really good at. Which are nerdy things.

Yeah, I guess I sabotage my chances in most dating experiences by hiding my best talents and energies behind a wall of social insecurity.

All this was in the first couple chapters.

Yes, there a section in the middle about physical intimacy, sensuality, and sex. I've never read anything more direct and explicit on the subjects. The section on properly kissing is several pages on its own. Then a couple chapters build up to intercourse. And by then, you've had a lesson in anatomy and a detailed walk through on foreplay.

If this makes you uncomfortable, it's really easy to skip the whole section. So don't worry about that. However, I feel that the authors talked about these and most subjects in a very intelligent and almost reverent way. They were honest, but they weren't brief. Aside from giving "the secret" away in the first chapter, they really build to every subject. They frame things appropriately, giving proper context.

And after that section it gets into such meaty subjects as conflict resolution. (Breathe, men. Don't let you anger boil over.) Motherhood. (Don't try to interfere with your wife's relationship with her baby. Build a relationship with your baby too.) And shopping. (Don't do it together if you want to be happy.)

There's a lot in here that I'll have to read again and again to properly grok.

Recommended. ...more

February 1, 2017

? Who really understands women ? Be rich, that's what works best!

April 27, 2017

I know The Gottmans' principles and approach so as a female I wanted to know what men would think. Although appropriate for any adult some things weren't necessary for me or my relationship. I felt like it hit the perfect middle and the information is digestible for most men. I feel a must read for adult men and look forward to the women's guide to men!

March 10, 2017

...and a woman's guide to herself!
For women, too - great guide for any man in your life -- to understanding you! I am going to buy both of my sons a copy as they head into the young adult phase of their life and prepare to meet their future wife.

July 29, 2017

Some valid points if your a man that's trying to be a woman
This book has some valid points, but in all honesty felt like a feminists approach on men, and how men need to cater in every way shape and form to women, an unfortunate side affect of American culture where men are being raised primarily by women and not taught by other men how to be good and honorable men.

June 21, 2016

This should be titled 'Nice Guy's Guide to More of the Same'
I was very excited when I came across this title. It's promotional information indicated that, two writing couples with very high mainstream status (the Gottmans and the Abrams's) had publicly accepted the premise that there was such a thing as a difference or asymmetry between genders. One basic difference they do allow for and with which I concur can be summed up (in the words of a different writer) that 'women are security-seeking creatures'. The entirety of the 'advice' to men that comprises the book is that men should adapt in a supportive way to women's insecurities. This is in fact, prescribing being a 'nice guy' (see Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy or especially check out drglover dot com)) There is no whiff of the possibility of women being more secure with a masculine man who is aware but not pleasing let alone the effect that might have on the rest of the man's life.

There is of course uncontroversial advice such as 'have good hygiene' and 'don't pester uninterested women' but do we need 'world-class' research to tell us this? The book reads very unevenly, as if bits of less controversial pickup advice is being blended with some Gottman lab anecdotes to capitalize on a trend? There is no coherent overall paradigm being advanced here and certainly political correctness still permeates

February 6, 2017

One Star
not at all what I expected. awful perspective on lovemaking

December 4, 2016

Well Done (with caveat)
Extremely accessible and well-written; answers in a clear, concise manner that eternal mystery: "what ever do women want??"

It is written, however, from entirely within the blue pill weltanschauung, and so oblivious to red pill.
Therefore tactically applicable; but strategically limited.

October 3, 2016

This is a book written from certain perspectives that different ...
This is a book written from certain perspectives that different men and women will agree or disagree with based on who they are. More traditional-minded in its approach than I expected, as in "be her knight in shining armor" kind of stuff. Hoped we had moved beyond that from both men's and women's point of view.

January 27, 2019

The best book ever written about understanding women!
This is truly the best book I have ever read on understanding women! When I first read the reviews of this book, there seemed to be so many woman praising it even though it is a book for men. After reading it myself I realized what a gift it is for me and any man that reads it. Everyone talks about women being such a mystery but the authors of this book along with their research make so many things crystal clear about women, what they need, and how to engage them in a way that will make everyone happy! First rate. If a man wants to be successful and happy with women, all you have to do is read this book.

July 29, 2016

Bro Book
This book is full of bad stereotypes and is written for the college-student bro-culture type male. Any female, older, or already sensitive guy reading this thing just get horribly offended. It doesn't have much good advice in between all the bro-speak

February 8, 2018

Would any man actually do all these things?
The authors list literally dozens of things a man supposedly has to do to have a successful relationship with a woman; how to act, think, smell, have sex, etc. Some good points are made, but their list of imperatives for men verges on overwhelming, and I wonder if there exists any man who actually does all these things. Overall I found the book a little depressing, as in; 'If this is what a guy has to do to have a good relationship with a woman I'd rather stay single'.

Jan 27, 2016

I love the Gottman's. I've trained with them. I am enamored by them. But this book? Basic and a bit silly. I was hoping for more. I suppose you could say this is geared/written for the average layman who knows nothing at all about women - it may actually work for that particular population. After all, the things that the Gottmans are writing about (along with two other scholars that are in much smaller print on the front cover), I found myself nodding my head and totally agreeing many times. One I love the Gottman's. I've trained with them. I am enamored by them. But this book? Basic and a bit silly. I was hoping for more. I suppose you could say this is geared/written for the average layman who knows nothing at all about women - it may actually work for that particular population. After all, the things that the Gottmans are writing about (along with two other scholars that are in much smaller print on the front cover), I found myself nodding my head and totally agreeing many times. One thing did get me however, in which they express a very definitive sentence that states that "people don't change." That threw me. Pretty sure I disagree, in some sense. I mean why write a book like this at all if you're going to say that? Well, two things got me, I guess. They also call men Heros or Zeros. Thus, you are a hero if you do all these things and you are a Zero if you do another set of things - there is even a cheat sheet for each chapter that explains which category you may be in. Not sure, if I was a dude, I would be pumped up to learn from a list that made me one extreme or the other. I think this was just a futile attempt to make some money, and sucker that I am, I gave them mine, so it worked. Will I recommend it to clients? I'm not sure - I can't say it would be in my top ten and, even then, I may only recommend a few sections. ...more

July 1, 2018

Great book!
I am a counselor, and I use this book/audio CD (for guys that don’t want to read a book) quite often. I’ve had several men say it was a life-changing book. They realized things they could do better and what they made more difficult than it had to be when they didn’t understand.

July 25, 2017

Not what I hoped!
Wow, I had high hopes for this book! What a disappointment. And again, this is my opinion; you'll have to read it for yourself!!! But as a man, it was far from enlightening!!! I am all for getting a womans opinion or advice when it comes to relationships that involve sex. God knows we men are ill prepared to understand womens anatomy but this constant talk of a "G" spot, when there isn't any scientific proof that it exists, really distracts a guy from what really is important in a sexual encounter; closeness!! It's as close to a women as you can get physically and when done correctly; mentally!! Focus on the person you're with, not some damn mythical spot!!! The G spot is right up there with the "Fountain of Youth"; a myth!!! The book would not serve as a guide to women for me!!! My opinion!

December 25, 2018

Absolves women of taking any responsibility in a relationship
An enlightening book but one which consistently absolves women of any responsibility for how they act or communicate in a relationship. According to the authors, it's perfectly okay for women to criticize their partners because it's a "bid for attention" when she does it and then it's the man's responsibility to drag her real issues out of her by asking questions. Because, ya know, why would it be remotely expected that she simply speak up and say what's really on her mind, like you would expect a grown-up to do. I'm 2/3 of the way through the book and, other than a few pages where they mention the types of women to avoid (women with personality disorders or traits consistent with personality disorders), the message is that men are totally responsible for making a relationship work and that women don't bear any such responsibility. IDK, maybe I'm just naive...

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