4.42

5

Mar 09, 2018

Yeah, I laughed when my mother recommended this book to me. It does sound pretty sleazy. But my mother probably has a stronger opinion about quality than I do. There had to be something here, or she wouldn't recommend it.

Still, I waited until it was only a few bucks on Kindle.

Right off, the authors waste no time telling you "the secret" of what women want, and I'll go ahead and spoil it: trustworthiness. Now that's a loaded word. I talked to a few of my woman friends about the book as I was Yeah, I laughed when my mother recommended this book to me. It does sound pretty sleazy. But my mother probably has a stronger opinion about quality than I do. There had to be something here, or she wouldn't recommend it.

Still, I waited until it was only a few bucks on Kindle.

Right off, the authors waste no time telling you "the secret" of what women want, and I'll go ahead and spoil it: trustworthiness. Now that's a loaded word. I talked to a few of my woman friends about the book as I was reading it, and they at first disagreed. As I asked them what trustworthiness meant to them, we were all slowly converted to the idea.

And that's good, because, let me tell you, that right there pissed me off on first reading. Thing is, I live with some great guys, and not a single (heh) one of them has had long-term success in their dating relationships. And they were super trustworthy, so far as I could tell. I was really ready to be disappointed with women in general if that's all they wanted, and yet they couldn't see it even when it asked them on a date time and again.

On top of that, the authors frequently say that what men want is no confrontation and sex. I'm not that simple. I want a relationship. Acceptance. Affection. Love. I don't know how much time and experience would have to elapse before I'd be thinking about sex in the relationship.

Then I kept reading.

Yeah, it's deeper. On both sides of the coin.

The authors really have done their research. 40 years of it. This book is the result of those findings.

Turns out, there really is a lot I only superficially understand about dating and relationships. I didn't understand how to tell if a woman is interested, for example. Sure, I've recognized it a few times for my part, and a lot for others. But I'm kind of a masochist when it comes to doing things that are hard.

I didn't want to have any regrets when it came to my dating life. And, for my part, that meant that I would always ask out a girl if I was interested and she was available. Turns out, I could avoid a lot of nos if I just checked to see if she was interested first. Most women give off cues subconsciously. Some consciously. And yeah, some are oblivious themselves.

I also learned how to talk to women better. How to ask open ended questions and steer conversations in positive directions. And, perhaps hardest of all, to talk about the things I was really good at. Which are nerdy things.

Yeah, I guess I sabotage my chances in most dating experiences by hiding my best talents and energies behind a wall of social insecurity.

All this was in the first couple chapters.

Yes, there a section in the middle about physical intimacy, sensuality, and sex. I've never read anything more direct and explicit on the subjects. The section on properly kissing is several pages on its own. Then a couple chapters build up to intercourse. And by then, you've had a lesson in anatomy and a detailed walk through on foreplay.

If this makes you uncomfortable, it's really easy to skip the whole section. So don't worry about that. However, I feel that the authors talked about these and most subjects in a very intelligent and almost reverent way. They were honest, but they weren't brief. Aside from giving "the secret" away in the first chapter, they really build to every subject. They frame things appropriately, giving proper context.

And after that section it gets into such meaty subjects as conflict resolution. (Breathe, men. Don't let you anger boil over.) Motherhood. (Don't try to interfere with your wife's relationship with her baby. Build a relationship with your baby too.) And shopping. (Don't do it together if you want to be happy.)

There's a lot in here that I'll have to read again and again to properly grok.

Recommended. ...more

3

Jan 27, 2016

I love the Gottman's. I've trained with them. I am enamored by them. But this book? Basic and a bit silly. I was hoping for more. I suppose you could say this is geared/written for the average layman who knows nothing at all about women - it may actually work for that particular population. After all, the things that the Gottmans are writing about (along with two other scholars that are in much smaller print on the front cover), I found myself nodding my head and totally agreeing many times. One I love the Gottman's. I've trained with them. I am enamored by them. But this book? Basic and a bit silly. I was hoping for more. I suppose you could say this is geared/written for the average layman who knows nothing at all about women - it may actually work for that particular population. After all, the things that the Gottmans are writing about (along with two other scholars that are in much smaller print on the front cover), I found myself nodding my head and totally agreeing many times. One thing did get me however, in which they express a very definitive sentence that states that "people don't change." That threw me. Pretty sure I disagree, in some sense. I mean why write a book like this at all if you're going to say that? Well, two things got me, I guess. They also call men Heros or Zeros. Thus, you are a hero if you do all these things and you are a Zero if you do another set of things - there is even a cheat sheet for each chapter that explains which category you may be in. Not sure, if I was a dude, I would be pumped up to learn from a list that made me one extreme or the other. I think this was just a futile attempt to make some money, and sucker that I am, I gave them mine, so it worked. Will I recommend it to clients? I'm not sure - I can't say it would be in my top ten and, even then, I may only recommend a few sections. ...more

5

May 16, 2016

I'm a big fan of the Gottmans both as a clinician myself and as an individual invested in maintaining strong personal relationships. While this book is obviously geared toward men, I found it very validating to read as a woman. The Gottmans really know their stuff and know how to tailor it to their audience. The book is rich with findings from various studies that helps to buttress their central concepts but is also written in a language that is particularly clear and linear(hence why it is so I'm a big fan of the Gottmans both as a clinician myself and as an individual invested in maintaining strong personal relationships. While this book is obviously geared toward men, I found it very validating to read as a woman. The Gottmans really know their stuff and know how to tailor it to their audience. The book is rich with findings from various studies that helps to buttress their central concepts but is also written in a language that is particularly clear and linear(hence why it is so palatable for the average man.) It's also written in a very easy-to-read fashion with a lot of humor and a few insightful and relevant cartoons. The book is broken into clearly defined sections with chapters and there are cheat sheets at the end of every chapter reiterated the primary take-aways for each chapter. Overall, the book is both a quick and pleasant read and filled with pertinent research and conclusions.

My one caveat--this book is really written for the common man and so if you are someone looking for meatier research and more robust analysis this may disappoint. Even still, I'd recommend it to most and will likely re-read it again later in life. ...more

4

Feb 13, 2016

one of the best i books have read about how to approach women to how really satisfy her in bed
but about the question of learning from the book what women really want i guess it will really disappoint you very much because there is no book in the world no matter who can really know what women really want even the great Freud stopped trying to find what women want.

What Women Really Want is a question we men i think will never know

5

July 24, 2016

Read the book from cover to cover. Most of the advice are for men already in a relationship. Just about one chapter for single man on how to get a woman. But overall, I am more conscious about women's point of view after reading it. EDIT. Read it twice. All the knowledge and advices from the book won't matter if you don't have a woman.

4

July 27, 2016

I have read a lot of relationship books and after a while they start to sound the same. This book however, actually taught me several things no other book has. I highly recommend it!

3

April 26, 2019

Read the book from cover to cover. Most of the advice are for men already in a relationship. Just about one chapter for single man on how to get a woman. But overall, I am more conscious about women's point of view after reading it. EDIT. Read it twice. All the knowledge and advices from the book wo...Full Review

5

June 29, 2018

there is too much things u should learn about ur partner and this book will give u a lot of clues

4

Mar 11, 2017

I give this book 5 stars for the relationship advice; it's well researched. I love well researched advice because it works! If you've read anything by the Gottmans, Sue Johnson, or have learned about attachment theory, the main premise of the book will be familiar to you: Turn towards your partner instead of away from them.

This book is written for men and I'm curious about how well men feel it speaks to them. The authors tell men that they will have more sex and less fighting if they follow I give this book 5 stars for the relationship advice; it's well researched. I love well researched advice because it works! If you've read anything by the Gottmans, Sue Johnson, or have learned about attachment theory, the main premise of the book will be familiar to you: Turn towards your partner instead of away from them.

This book is written for men and I'm curious about how well men feel it speaks to them. The authors tell men that they will have more sex and less fighting if they follow this advice. The advice is simple but it would take a lot of work and energy. For men who are motivated to have a good relationship, I think it will be very helpful.

I took off a star because, very unfortunately, there are some creepy sexist theories in the book. Amidst their very well researched relationship advice, they throw in some theories about the personality differences between men and women based on their ideas of what primitive society was like; men evolved to be the hunters, women to be the gatherers. If these differences were true, it would be useful information, but, in fact, time and again, research has shown that you can't predict what someone's personality will be like based on their gender. Well validated personality tests will tell you a lot more about someone's personality than their gender will, and both women and men are found in all personality types.

There are some differences between men and women that have been researched, but you really have to separate the wheat from the chaff here. This is a good reminder that no matter how smart someone is and how reasonable their theory sounds, it has a good chance of not matching reality- the only way to know it matches reality is to do the research.

These cringe worthy ideas are scattered throughout the book, but most notably make their appearance in the chapter devoted to shopping, and the information about fear. The fear information is interesting because part of it is based on research, but their interpretation is a text book case of gender bias.

When I was in my first class in college, already a budding feminist, the professor handed us a picture of a baby and we all rated what we thought the baby's personality was like based on the picture. Then she asked us to raise our hands as she read the various choices. When she read "sad", one half of the class raised their hands, when she read "angry" the other half of the class raised their hands. She went through every attribute and this pattern continued. We all got the same picture of the same baby. How could it possibly be that one half of the class thought one thing and the other the opposite, and that each side was unanimous? On my side of the class the baby was named "Amber" and on the other side of the class, the baby was named "Henry." No matter how enlightened we might have thought we were, every single person in the class showed the exact same gender bias. We thought we were making a judgement based on the picture, but we were making a judgement based on the gender.

The author's make a similar mistake when presenting their ideas about fear. They say that women experience more fear in their daily lives - which I'm guessing is true. (This is important for men to understand for personal relationships and for social justice.) But they interpret that to mean that women are more hard wired to experience fear, which I thought could be true, but interestingly they later show their own assertion to be false, but use gender bias to keep their theory!

First they share factual information. One in four women have been sexually assaulted by the time they reach 18. What they don't share, but imply, is that while women are far more likely to be sexually assaulted than men, men are more likely to be murdered than women. However, the places men and women are murdered are different. Men are likely to be murdered in what we think of as typically dangerous situations - in dangerous neighborhoods, jails, war zones, etc. Places that men know to be dangerous and may be able to avoid. Women are most likely to be murdered in their own homes, neighborhoods, and workplaces. Can you imagine that these facts might be why women are more likely to experience daily fear than men? They are, in fact, in more daily danger than men.

Assuming that women are more naturally fearful than men because they experience more daily fear would be like assuming soldiers are hardwired to be more fearful than other people because they experience more daily fear. Wouldn't that be ridiculous?

Later in the book, they share an experiment where both men and women are startled and both genders have the same physiological fear response. This disproves their earlier theory that men are hardwired to be less fearful. The men and women do have different outward responses. After being startled, more women expressed fear, more men expressed anger. So, at the very most we could say that maybe there are hardwired differences in how men and women express their fear. But it could just as easily be that men and women are raised to express fear differently. It could also be that the researchers have gender bias, just like we all did in my psychology class.

All that said, I think this book is worth reading and would be helpful to most people. Take the relationship advice seriously, take the pronouncements about gender with a handful of salt. It might be a fun book to read as a couple, as long as people use it to learn more about each other as individuals and don't use the information to blame or judge each other. ...more

5

Apr 26, 2017

One of the best books i read this year!! Simple language, good scientific information backed by researchers, and free of gimmicky tips and tricks. Its really simple guide (written for men heavily) on how to run a good relationship. highlighting the most common problems from a man prospective and how to solve it.

I wish we encourage adding these kind of information on our Saudi education system. People get married really young in here with 0 knowledge about marriage life, leading to high rate of One of the best books i read this year!! Simple language, good scientific information backed by researchers, and free of gimmicky tips and tricks. Its really simple guide (written for men heavily) on how to run a good relationship. highlighting the most common problems from a man prospective and how to solve it.

I wish we encourage adding these kind of information on our Saudi education system. People get married really young in here with 0 knowledge about marriage life, leading to high rate of divorce and domestic violence or plane bad marriages that goes on and on for years without any love or respect, and sadly still consider a kind of taboo to either address it or solve it!

Anyway, highly highly recommend for real genteel! ...more

3

Mar 06, 2018

When this book was added to our book swap pile, I picked it up with the sole intention of doing a hate read for it. The chapter titles were horrendous, and scanning the pages, the content looked completely ridiculous and patronizing.

However, my Twitter thread quickly became more humor/satire and awkwardness than the hate read I had intended. This Man's Guide isn't all bad--there's quite a bit of good advice inside, regarding courting and sex, consent and communication.

I will say that this book When this book was added to our book swap pile, I picked it up with the sole intention of doing a hate read for it. The chapter titles were horrendous, and scanning the pages, the content looked completely ridiculous and patronizing.

However, my Twitter thread quickly became more humor/satire and awkwardness than the hate read I had intended. This Man's Guide isn't all bad--there's quite a bit of good advice inside, regarding courting and sex, consent and communication.

I will say that this book deals in generalizations, and it is VERY heteronormative, so know what you're getting when you go into it. If they talk about women, it's all women feel this same way...and visa versa on the male spectrum. Also, men are either a Hero or a Zero, which I felt was very patronizing.

Obviously, I am the exact opposite of the target market for this book, so the humor is not "for me" but I'm glad I had the wrong impression. Would I give this to my husband to read? Probably not. Did I hate it, though? No. ...more

5

Jul 06, 2018

I probably should have read this years ago. I say this as a father of three, having gone through multiple relationships and a marriage. A quick read with practical tips that make sense to me, both in retrospect and going forward. The book is most focused on the traditional committed heterosexual relationship, but I believe could be read more generally. Summary: undivided attention and trustworthiness.

4

Mar 04, 2016

Really easy reading in a perfectly packaged book. The graphics were interesting and it was all very digestible. Definitely recommend to men AND women.

3

Aug 08, 2019

I knew most of the books content already because of being married. However, I like this advice the authors gave, when you (male) are in an argument take at least a 20 min break and do something meaningless to diffuse the flooded hormones. If more time is needed relay that to your wife, until you are in a peaceful state to talk about the situation.

3

Feb 14, 2016

I had hoped this book would be a good one for counseling couples preparing for marriage. I will stick with Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work for that. But this could be the perfect book for a college age male. A good gift for a son.

5

Jan 14, 2017

A must read to be the husband your wife needs

I used to think my wife was negative because of her fears, anxieties, and insecurities. I now understand that almost all women are like her. I still find it frustrating but I love my wife enough to take the time to listen without interrupting and not to suggest solutions.

Tom Cunningham
Napoleon Hill Foundation Certified Instructor
Creator of the Journeys To Success book series
Founder of Journey To Success Radio
International Inspirational Speaker

4

Mar 05, 2016

Funny enough, my husband read this book when I brought it home; I never picked it up.

His review: "It's good for people (both men and women) who are looking for this info. If you really need help with dating or marriage, absolutely. If you're feeling good about your relationships you might not get a whole lot from this. It just needs to be the right audience. But you can't go wrong with John Gottman."

He asked me to define how I use stars, and he went with 4-stars (really enjoyed, would actively Funny enough, my husband read this book when I brought it home; I never picked it up.

His review: "It's good for people (both men and women) who are looking for this info. If you really need help with dating or marriage, absolutely. If you're feeling good about your relationships you might not get a whole lot from this. It just needs to be the right audience. But you can't go wrong with John Gottman."

He asked me to define how I use stars, and he went with 4-stars (really enjoyed, would actively recommend). So there you go! ...more

5

Oct 24, 2016

The authors have years of experience in helping people in relationships and this shows with how easily they tackle serious issues that can occur when two people decide to enter into the great unknown of relationships.

Loved the scientific explanations for what happens to people in relationships and the information about how our brains react to these things, as well as the research that was done into predictors for certain behaviors based on how you were raised.

Book is geared toward men as the The authors have years of experience in helping people in relationships and this shows with how easily they tackle serious issues that can occur when two people decide to enter into the great unknown of relationships.

Loved the scientific explanations for what happens to people in relationships and the information about how our brains react to these things, as well as the research that was done into predictors for certain behaviors based on how you were raised.

Book is geared toward men as the title suggests. Is a quick, easy read and provides lots of tips and pointers. Because come on, who doesn’t want to get better at relationships? And there’s always room for improvement.

My favorite line comes about midway through the book when the authors write, “Breasts are to be cherished.” As should the woman who owns said breasts.

Great read! Highly recommend it. ...more

1

Mar 02, 2017

I read this book, despite the title and somewhat concerning comments here and there in articles for it, because I'd seen and liked some of Gottman's other work and thought it interesting and insightful. I shouldn't have. The articles about the book which saw it as having a slightly sexist overtone if anything underplayed that tone in the book; it might be the most blatantly sexist book I've ever read. It's chock full of generalizations and stereotypes about how men and women work and how I read this book, despite the title and somewhat concerning comments here and there in articles for it, because I'd seen and liked some of Gottman's other work and thought it interesting and insightful. I shouldn't have. The articles about the book which saw it as having a slightly sexist overtone if anything underplayed that tone in the book; it might be the most blatantly sexist book I've ever read. It's chock full of generalizations and stereotypes about how men and women work and how fundamentally different they are, and the interspersing of scientific study anecdotes starts to feel like a thin veneer over a very archaic view of relationships and the world. The perspectives on men alone were downright insulting, assuming us to all be effectively socially ignorant cavemen. On top of that, the vast majority of the "advice" within it is a mixture of very basic elementary relationship advice intermixed with the kind of comments that would fit better in those magazines in the grocery store checkout aisle than a book that purports to be a serious work. There are a handful of genuinely interesting and thoughtful comments or suggestions intermixed with these as well, but they're rare enough and small enough to not be worth the rest.

Maybe for men who fit that caveman stereotype this would be a useful book, and maybe for the world of the 1960s it would be considered forward thinking, but in this day and age it's just bad. If you're looking for a book on relationships and you're a reasonably mature thoughtful adult then find another book; there are far better ones out there. ...more

5

Nov 16, 2019

Should be mandatory reading in high school, would have saved me a lot of time. Touches all bases of relationship briefly, but deep enough to give you the right basics to build upon.

4

Dec 20, 2018

thought-provoking!
It provides some evolutionary explanations to certain heterosexual couples' behaviors. I found some of those explanations very well-argued and beautifully presented.

4

Mar 31, 2017

This may be slightly embarrassing to admit, but I found it very instructive about me... For example... I'm not a shopper (so that chapter wasn't fun) but the chapter on why women need other women as friends was fascinating! So was the chapter on conflict and how female brains work. The chapter on body image (and the actual numbers!) made me furious. But really-- can't the media just give it a rest? And can't we, as consumers, refuse to buy into their propaganda?

Disclaimer: if you're like me, This may be slightly embarrassing to admit, but I found it very instructive about me... For example... I'm not a shopper (so that chapter wasn't fun) but the chapter on why women need other women as friends was fascinating! So was the chapter on conflict and how female brains work. The chapter on body image (and the actual numbers!) made me furious. But really-- can't the media just give it a rest? And can't we, as consumers, refuse to buy into their propaganda?

Disclaimer: if you're like me, skip chapters 8 and 9. Additionally, I disagreed on moral grounds with a couple of claims. #selfacclaimedprude ...more

0

After reading this book, I have realized that I was actually ignoring her by thinking like she was like me. However, I'm a man and she is a woman. We are different. This book helped to realize this. Thanks for all of you who has effort on.

5

Sep 09, 2018

It's the first Gottman's book I read. At the beginning I was skeptical about a book that promised to make you better understand women, as I thought it would be pure stereotype. Sometimes it might seem like it is, but mostly it's very good advice that applies to most. And you are emphatically warned that every person is different and you must observe your particular case.

It really helped me better understand my partner. We men just tend to think the world is the same for women, but it's not. I It's the first Gottman's book I read. At the beginning I was skeptical about a book that promised to make you better understand women, as I thought it would be pure stereotype. Sometimes it might seem like it is, but mostly it's very good advice that applies to most. And you are emphatically warned that every person is different and you must observe your particular case.

It really helped me better understand my partner. We men just tend to think the world is the same for women, but it's not. I actually think this book is helpful with even friends and acquaintances, as it's about being empathetic and supportive to another person.

The book has many interesting facts from different research, and the A TT U N E method did help me learn how to better handle problems or everyday communication.

For someone like me, in his first serious relationship and with bad social skills, this book was very valuable. ...more

5

Apr 04, 2018

A well written book with examples and stories any man can relate too. I was so amazed by this book I read it in about 4 hours. I enjoyed the occasional humor. The authors present their case with well researched facts and real life stories. The book covers pretty much every situation you've ever found yourself in or will in the future from dating to conflicts to having children. Recommendations are provided in the form of "Cheat Sheets." As you read through and finish a chapter, you will find A well written book with examples and stories any man can relate too. I was so amazed by this book I read it in about 4 hours. I enjoyed the occasional humor. The authors present their case with well researched facts and real life stories. The book covers pretty much every situation you've ever found yourself in or will in the future from dating to conflicts to having children. Recommendations are provided in the form of "Cheat Sheets." As you read through and finish a chapter, you will find moments of introspection that leave you contemplating ways to love and understanding your partner better. ...more