4.35

4

Dec 28, 2016

It's ok, guys - no one in my family is on GoodReads. :-)

This book was -awesome-.

5

May 12, 2012

I found this an extremely well-written book. Whilst there is clearly a self-help aspect to this book, it doesn't feel superficial or unrealistic as I find some other books that address the same issues. I initially did find it triggering with the listing of what is good mothering and good mother messages - known, but a lot to take in and really hold and contemplate at once. The reading rolled nicely however once finding some space for all that.

Clearly Cori knows the in-and-outs and subtleties of I found this an extremely well-written book. Whilst there is clearly a self-help aspect to this book, it doesn't feel superficial or unrealistic as I find some other books that address the same issues. I initially did find it triggering with the listing of what is good mothering and good mother messages - known, but a lot to take in and really hold and contemplate at once. The reading rolled nicely however once finding some space for all that.

Clearly Cori knows the in-and-outs and subtleties of having an emotionally absent caregiver. The information is presented in a way that would strike a cord even with those who flirt heavily with denial, either concerning their own parent or themselves as a parent; justifying or idealizing in attempts to avoid the emotional impact of their upbringing.

That said, I look forward to a book - or am looking for one, if anyone has any ideas - that addresses the father role. Whilst she states the idea of 'mother' could be anyone in care-taking role, the use of 'mother' language obviously provides some barrier to translating this material. There are also social and cultural differences for how a father's absence is viewed.

The exercises she offers all seem highly valuable and relevant, and worthy contemplations for anyone. I appreciated the encouragement and discussions of 'self-care' and self-compassion. And the acknowledgment that individuals can work towards healing NOW, by themselves (although support is preferable).

A truly insightful and helpful book. Probably has value for everyone to some degree. Even to become mindful of what it is to connect with children in a way that supports their healthy development. ...more

5

Jun 24, 2013

In simple language this book describes how a mother who is disengaged, emotionally absent or emotionally detached can cause specific deficiencies in her children. Author Jasmin Cori describes exactly what a good mother does and what a disengaged mother does and how it makes the child feel. She also describes methods of therapy and states that there are three choices for healing 1. find a surrogate mother, 2. get professional therapy, 3. learn to mother yourself. I found that this book was the In simple language this book describes how a mother who is disengaged, emotionally absent or emotionally detached can cause specific deficiencies in her children. Author Jasmin Cori describes exactly what a good mother does and what a disengaged mother does and how it makes the child feel. She also describes methods of therapy and states that there are three choices for healing 1. find a surrogate mother, 2. get professional therapy, 3. learn to mother yourself. I found that this book was the most helpful of all the books I read on the subject.

Favorite Quotes from the book:

Not feeling safe, on the other hand, is the setup for anxiety to take hold. ... It comes from feeling alone and unsupported in situations we can’t handle by ourselves and from being in relationships with unavailable or unresponsive caregivers.
p. 64

If a family claims you as their own but you don’t really feel that they know you are see you for who you are, you’ll feel like an outsider within your own family.
p. 67

Receiving passive love can be deeply healing for undermothered women, who had to be so active in trying to earn love. - Soonja Kim
quoted on p. 136

...more

5

Nov 15, 2011

Wow, what a well written, easy to understand perspective on dealing with and healing from being raised by an emotionally absent mother. Compassionate to both child and parents perspective and proactive in tone. Cori helped me understand myself and gave me tools to use to free some of the chains that kept me bound.

0

May 30, 2011

breathtaking...finally now I know...everything is not my fault...but its still sad because she will never change.

5

Mar 30, 2012

Extremely well written book on the effects of being raised by an emotionally absent mother. While some of the healing exercises seemed cheesy the list of common feelings of under-mothered children blew my mind.

0

Dec 03, 2012

I work with neglected children and see first hand how these attachment issues play out in the course of a child's life time.

3

May 18, 2019

The book gives valuable validation for inner experiences and I believe it could help the reader understand what he/she is going through. The text shows compassion and perceptiveness on the part of the author which I appreciate.
However, the scientific backing of the claims is lacking. The proposed healing strategies also seemed a bit impotent and generic. Nonetheless, some valuable ideas for a recovery plan can be gleaned from the text.

4

Apr 05, 2015

I found this book to be very helpful. Some of the new age-y kind of stuff was a little much for me, like the inner child work and the stuff about mother nature and the good mother archetype, but I can see how it would be helpful for others. I definitely think it is a book that would be more helpful for women because I think it is too feeling based for men in therapy, and it definitely has a female voice. It would be nice to see a book from a man's perspective, as I'm sure that it isn't only just I found this book to be very helpful. Some of the new age-y kind of stuff was a little much for me, like the inner child work and the stuff about mother nature and the good mother archetype, but I can see how it would be helpful for others. I definitely think it is a book that would be more helpful for women because I think it is too feeling based for men in therapy, and it definitely has a female voice. It would be nice to see a book from a man's perspective, as I'm sure that it isn't only just woken who struggle with this. Some of the activities for journaling were very helpful. I have been reading this book in conjunction with counseling, and I would highly recommend that, if the finances are available. Some of the activities would have been really hard without a counselor involved. ...more

3

Feb 20, 2012

This book gave me alot of insight to why I behave and react to certain situations. I can now be more aware and try to change and be a better parent to my children than my mother was to me. I feel this is a book that could help those who are struggling with inner turmoil. I don't feel it helped me repair my past relationship with my mother as much as it made me want to BE a better mother to my own children.

5

Sep 22, 2016

A very well written book, with good examples and the different types of how to heal. Indeed this book took me 6 months to complete as it needs to be read alone to give yourself the time to think, reflect, and do the exercises.
This books is a very good start for those who are missing the Good mother role in their life, and I emphasize to read it alone as some parts were very deep and could be heavy on the person with an emotionally absent mother.

4

Dec 24, 2012

Excellent! The second half gives exceptional guidance on healing methodology.

5

Dec 31, 2012

A very well written book. It explains the dynamic relationship between mother and daughter in a compassionate way. As we know that mother and child bonding, is the first intimate relationship in a child life.

4

May 16, 2018

I liked this book because it was very frank about the topic of divorcing one’s mother without suggesting guilt or the necessity of forgiveness. The Inner Child work is pretty out there, but I’m trying it, within reason. I won’t be holding a baby bottle. That’s a bridge too far. I would recommend this to someone struggling with...well, an emotionally absent or abusive mother.

5

Dec 08, 2014

Excellent book although the early chapters were very confrontational for me and as a result, very painful. In combination with intensive therapy, this book is incredibly helpful. There are links for further reading and further personal development so you are not just left at the end wondering what next? I highly recommend this book to anyone who has had a difficult and painful childhood particularly those who have borderline personality disorder like myself

2

Jan 02, 2016

~I eventually ended up skimreading because so much of the book was dedicated to checklists about what mothers are supposed to do/things emotionally detached mothers fail to do etc etc which was a bit... i'm pretty sure most people who've picked up the book are already aware of most of the ways that their mother has failed as a parent (for me it was pointless at least, and just felt like a kick in the guts)

~Aside from the checklists, the book mainly focuses on attachment theory and the coping ~I eventually ended up skimreading because so much of the book was dedicated to checklists about what mothers are supposed to do/things emotionally detached mothers fail to do etc etc which was a bit... i'm pretty sure most people who've picked up the book are already aware of most of the ways that their mother has failed as a parent (for me it was pointless at least, and just felt like a kick in the guts)

~Aside from the checklists, the book mainly focuses on attachment theory and the coping mechanisms of being a good mother to your inner child and journalling, nothing new if you have a psychology related background ...more

1

Jan 26, 2018

This book just did not have enough substance for me. I had read Will I Ever Be Enough by Karyl McBride, and learned so much from her book that I continued my search on the subject matter. Unfortunately, this book fell dramatically short.

4

Aug 17, 2018

This book is really helpful, even though it took me awhile to get into it. I resonated with the part that talked about mothers who aren't receptive to help. Being my mother's daughter, I suppose it's why I listen to self-help books and almost immediately roll my eyes, even before I've given them a chance.

The beginning of this book--which focuses on what sort of mothers people have and the reasons she may have been that way--were a little dull and depressing. The real meat of the book (for me at This book is really helpful, even though it took me awhile to get into it. I resonated with the part that talked about mothers who aren't receptive to help. Being my mother's daughter, I suppose it's why I listen to self-help books and almost immediately roll my eyes, even before I've given them a chance.

The beginning of this book--which focuses on what sort of mothers people have and the reasons she may have been that way--were a little dull and depressing. The real meat of the book (for me at least) was the last third. Here Cori talks about how to self-heal, find nurturing replacements, and get perspective.

I've made peace with the mother I have, I've found nurturing friends and work arounds, but from time to time I still get triggered. Currently, my mother is caregiving for my nephew and I constantly hear complaints from my brother and my mother about the other--and how how parenting "should be" from their perspective. In my family, my role is often the go-between--between my parents + my brother and my parents. When I lived across the country it was much easier to keep conversations light and opt out of events, but now that we only live an hour and a half away, it's more difficult.

My father's a narcissist. My family has learned over the last decade to function largely without him. Since my mother is codependent, my brother and I have learned over time that she was less available to us than other mothers--b/c my father sucked all of the oxygen out of the room. Now that he lives a separate life out of the country most of the year, our family is able grow closer. Still, my father has Parkinson's and my mother is depressed with suicidal thoughts that she shares, and it makes the situation more complicated and emotional. It's upsetting when my father comes around now, b/c he acts out more often, and it's also related to his condition--but b/c he was always a narcissist, who cheated on my mother all the time, it's not always easy to find compassion.

I'm really grateful to author's like Cori, who don't replace therapy, but do remind me that "this is not normal but it can be okay" when I am triggered--which is usually around the holidays. Most of the advice in this book are things I've already done, known or thought of before--but it's a good reminder of where I've been and what I can do when I'm struggling. ...more

5

Jun 30, 2019

“When the mother is not attuned to the child and doesn’t give what a child needs, a child adopts to the needs of the mother and in result creating a false sense of self “

10 basic good message from the mother: 1. I am glad that you are here. (Makes us to be glad to be here, make us being comfortable of taking space being in our bodies)2. I see you (accurate mirroring and attuned responses, knows what we like and what we don’t, what our interests are, how we feel about things). 3. You are special “When the mother is not attuned to the child and doesn’t give what a child needs, a child adopts to the needs of the mother and in result creating a false sense of self “

10 basic good message from the mother: 1. I am glad that you are here. (Makes us to be glad to be here, make us being comfortable of taking space being in our bodies)2. I see you (accurate mirroring and attuned responses, knows what we like and what we don’t, what our interests are, how we feel about things). 3. You are special to me. (usually said without words, we feel valued and priced, we are not mixed with external super quality or image)4. I respect you (not controlling the child, accepting child’s uniqueness, preferences and decisions, communicates what she values in the child; when mother does not mirroring herself) 5 I love you (sincere and authentic, important not to be perceived manipulative or requiring something from the child; communicate through touch, tone of voice, body language, attentiveness; boundaries, rules). 6. Your needs are important to me, you can turn to me for help. (shows needs are important, gives permission to turn to her) 7. I am here for you, I will make time for you. communicate you can count on me, make time for you) 8. I will keep you save ( protection) 9. You can rest in me (availability, acceptance, with me you can be at home) 10. I enjoy you, you brighten my heart. (supports child’s presence and inner light, helps to build a sense of value and confidence)

How to manage a feeing of motherless child? Create your own safe home base - to dismiss the feeing is to continue to abandon the inner child**** therefore the key is to respond to that feeling - orphan complex/ orphan archetype- a feeling of have no parents and out of love is painful and often suppressed. Sense of unworthiness May develop and feels the need for support.-> the orphan feels he is an injured one and needs all the care it can possibly get- pattern of dependency develops - clinginess towards whatever and whoever who represents protection and security of the mother. Love hunger, leads to stay in abusive and unsatisfying relationships, cause a feeling of needing is very desperate and it’s hard to leave. No internal reference point of being loved it feels better than nothing. Others go without love rather to go near that wound. This individual finds it hard to move away from any positive attention received.

Healing emotional woods of any kind involves becoming emotionally fluent, able to experience and distinguish vast wave of the emotions without being slaved to any of them. Journal is a great place for anger, especially if therapist is not available and you don’t want to burden your friends. Anger is hard especially it’s especially with hate and we don’t display it around the people and journal can hold them without judgement. Give yourself permission to feel anger, unlearn swallowing the anger. Journal to help un do self censorship. Recognize the anger and have tools to manage it. Be able to control how much is coming through at given moment, use distraction of breathing time out to interior unwanted escalation.
Exploring the anger Exercise:
1. I am angry that ... (focus on your mother) (complete 10 times)
2. Read out all the answers and notice how you feel.
3. Beneath the anger I feel.... (complete 10 times)
4. List the things you haven’t forgave your mother for




...more

5

Jan 09, 2020

This book gives me a new approach to understanding why I was singled out as the proverbial "black sheep" of the family and why my adult relationship with my mother was so toxic, going back to my high school years. I left home three months after graduating from high school, two months before turning 18, and it was primarily because my mother was as interested in being rid of me as I was in being rid of her. In subsequent years, the relationship was fairly positive as we would see each other only This book gives me a new approach to understanding why I was singled out as the proverbial "black sheep" of the family and why my adult relationship with my mother was so toxic, going back to my high school years. I left home three months after graduating from high school, two months before turning 18, and it was primarily because my mother was as interested in being rid of me as I was in being rid of her. In subsequent years, the relationship was fairly positive as we would see each other only occasionally for family meals on weekends, but as time went on, my mother and I grew apart as she showed zero to little interest in anything I was doing with my life. All of this came to a head 12 years ago when she sided with one of my siblings over an argument, finally hanging up on me. I have not spoken to her since. While I do not hate her, I cannot bring myself to love her or even to forgive her although with this book I've made strides in that direction, realizing it is not for her that I am forgiving her, it's for me as a way of healing. The "good mother" messages the book provides, along with the exercises that go with them, have been invaluable as I try to construct an internal mother figure to replace my natural mother. Without this book I'm not sure I would ever have started looking critically at the relationship I had with my mother. ...more

5

Nov 13, 2018

As far of as a professional psychological book of the accessible kind this is very good, although the topic is a bit specific. Jasmin Lee Cori focuses only on the mother in this sense and this is mostly is good, particularly if that is exactly what you need, but it feels a bit too narrow to exclude the mention of things that also easily would be the same in a father. A comment about it here and there, if only to show more clearly the differences, would be a fine little addition. But I won't that As far of as a professional psychological book of the accessible kind this is very good, although the topic is a bit specific. Jasmin Lee Cori focuses only on the mother in this sense and this is mostly is good, particularly if that is exactly what you need, but it feels a bit too narrow to exclude the mention of things that also easily would be the same in a father. A comment about it here and there, if only to show more clearly the differences, would be a fine little addition. But I won't that skew the overall experience of the content. Even though the focus is narrow, Cori manages to involve a lot of different perspectives, and the healing chapters in the last part of the book are really good if this is part of your struggle. It's a little bit wired to analyze something so close to home as your mother, together with how she would have affected you negatively, but at the same time, it is such an important endeavor to do in order to understand yourself. You will learn something, and maybe understand yourself or someone else better. I feel Cori covered all aspects of emotional absent mothers, and wrote probably the goto book on the topic. Solid work. ...more

4

Apr 08, 2019

I've met many friends and love ones that have to deal with emotional traumas that their parents caused, and Jasmin Cori, a psychotherapist whom went through the same symptoms of the title has giving a great insight into why those felt the way they did. Parenting is difficult, this book taught me that a lot of the times it's not their parent's fault for being absent. But if you feel that you have relationship issues, attachment issues, dependency issues, anxiety and depression, this book may I've met many friends and love ones that have to deal with emotional traumas that their parents caused, and Jasmin Cori, a psychotherapist whom went through the same symptoms of the title has giving a great insight into why those felt the way they did. Parenting is difficult, this book taught me that a lot of the times it's not their parent's fault for being absent. But if you feel that you have relationship issues, attachment issues, dependency issues, anxiety and depression, this book may solve some of those by giving you practical applications to choose a path of clarification.

Reading Difficulty: Senior level high school.


Who is it for? For mothers new and old, for fathers new and old, for divorcees, for those with traumatic childhood, for those with absent mothers, for the development psychology people, for those whom are pregnant, for those who are considering kids, for men and women who has dependency issues. ...more

3

Oct 02, 2018

Has some pretty indispensable stuff about attachment styles, to the point where I'd recommend it to most people who chronically have a bad time of feeling secure/not internalizing guilt/etc (seriously it's a little crazy to me that it isn't gen-ed usually), but it maybe not everyone's sole tool for working through it? It's best as a tool you're using with a therapist rather than as a key to solve emotional problems. I haven't lucked into finding a therapist I really click with yet, so I haven't Has some pretty indispensable stuff about attachment styles, to the point where I'd recommend it to most people who chronically have a bad time of feeling secure/not internalizing guilt/etc (seriously it's a little crazy to me that it isn't gen-ed usually), but it maybe not everyone's sole tool for working through it? It's best as a tool you're using with a therapist rather than as a key to solve emotional problems. I haven't lucked into finding a therapist I really click with yet, so I haven't been able to try some of the exercises, but just in terms of reflecting why I have certain kinds of emotional patterns, it's pretty useful. ...more

4

May 10, 2019

Has some psych strategies that get a bit weird here and there but a really good comprehensive insight into the value and effect of good mothering. I found it really helpful to have a lot of stuff affirmed that might sound generic or common sense but I needed them spelt out; also some home truths (like: you can't connect with an idealised version of someone that you think is hiding under a veneer - if actually, the veneer is a result of brokenness underneath, and the idealised version of them you Has some psych strategies that get a bit weird here and there but a really good comprehensive insight into the value and effect of good mothering. I found it really helpful to have a lot of stuff affirmed that might sound generic or common sense but I needed them spelt out; also some home truths (like: you can't connect with an idealised version of someone that you think is hiding under a veneer - if actually, the veneer is a result of brokenness underneath, and the idealised version of them you need or want to connect with, doesn't exist). ...more

3

Jul 02, 2019

I really couldn’t tell if this was being written for self help or for therapists.

The capital M mother stuff at the beginning was really hard to take from the perspective of a self-help seeker.

Then we get to the recovery portion, which essentially boiled down to “talk to a therapist” - nothing really actionable.