4.29

2

Oct 29, 2007

this book is a tool through which the author, gary chapman, can play out his jesus-complex disguised as a relationship self-help book. there are references from the bible throughout almost every chapter and gary likes to include generous praise from his clients who call him a "miracle worker." it's damn-near pretty close to being called god.

the book has all the hallmarks of a bestseller: easy to read (i read it in one day); hopeless circumstances that seem beyond repair; and an uplifiting this book is a tool through which the author, gary chapman, can play out his jesus-complex disguised as a relationship self-help book. there are references from the bible throughout almost every chapter and gary likes to include generous praise from his clients who call him a "miracle worker." it's damn-near pretty close to being called god.

the book has all the hallmarks of a bestseller: easy to read (i read it in one day); hopeless circumstances that seem beyond repair; and an uplifiting ending. the more bestsellers i read, the more i realize that the formula for mainstream media isn't just used in music and movies, it's used in books, too. ugh, how annoying. i admit, i was almost sold on it, too. the author used just the right amount of despair and at the appropriate moments, instilled hope for a better future. and while hope isn't bad at all, the book lacks in addressing the complexity of relationships as well as the diversity of relationships in today's world. for example, this book may not translate well in multicultural relationships that are dictated by a whole different set of mores and values. also, i wonder how it would be relevant to queer couples or polyamourous relationships. it's quite apparent that this book is meant for hetero-white-christian-monogamous couples.

but the one major caveat of this book that isn't so much a caveat as a poorly disguised advocate of misogyny, is the case of a woman who has been abused (what type of abuse has been perpetrated isn't made explicit and gary's reluctance to do so makes me suspicious of how the church deals with issues of domestic violence). gary's advice? dismiss any of your own feelings of discomfort (being used for sex) and have sex with your husband as an act of love and hope that he will reciprocate that love. and what i don't understand is how people have overlooked this, even people who are in the psychology field. that's one thing he doesn't really address, how to identify your limits and make compromises. if you can't see the problem with this picture, i pray you never get married. or have a relationship. or speak to people.

the gender roles in this book are fucking archaic. there's this little section where gary talks about the gender differences in sexual desire. according to him, these differences are all physiologically based. men simply have more tension built-up as a result of massive sperm generation whereas women don't, and that is why women don't crave sex the way men do. instead, women only want sex if their men meet their emotional needs. what, do men not need to have their emotional needs met? are they really just fucking animals who want to empty their over-spermed dicks? why don't they just jack off into a toilet for crying out loud? oops, am i not supposed to mention masturbation in the presence of god? and gary makes women seem like fucking prudes from the latest harlequin romance, the christian edition. gag. this man has very little knowledge of couples outside the realm of christian folklore.

his section on physical touch made me laugh. i wasn't sure if the lame attempts at humor were to assuage his own discomfort or that of his audience. yes, gary, people have sex. i understand that when you tell me to rub my partner's leg with my foot that i should make sure i'm not rubbing the dog. harhar.

to be fair, he touched on the basic fundamentals of communication with your partner, but i can hardly call this book revolutionary. his book on the five languages of love for children sound more useful just because the developmental stage they are in matches the dumbed-down tone of the book. you'd think he was writing for couples who were born in a vaccuum.

i'm so over reading new york times bestsellers. we've been brainwashed into accepting that the typical mainstream formula is quality literature. i prefer real talk to fluffy shit, thank you. ...more

1

Feb 22, 2013

I think the basis for this self-help book is good. I totally get the "love languages" thing. My husband's "love language" is Physical Affection and mine is Quality Time. I totally see that. But this is like a "Love Language For Dummies." It talks to you like you're an idiot who has never had basic human social interaction before. And there isn't really any advice, just this guy rambling on about how smart he is for figuring out that people need to be loved in different ways. Like, his advice for I think the basis for this self-help book is good. I totally get the "love languages" thing. My husband's "love language" is Physical Affection and mine is Quality Time. I totally see that. But this is like a "Love Language For Dummies." It talks to you like you're an idiot who has never had basic human social interaction before. And there isn't really any advice, just this guy rambling on about how smart he is for figuring out that people need to be loved in different ways. Like, his advice for someone whose spouse (not partner, not lifemate, and - in this instance, always the wife) prefers "Acts of Service" as a love language (because wives love when their husband does the laundry for them, basically) is just that -- do the laundry without being asked. Well no shit. That's not real advice, that's common sense. And if the husband were to argue "I don't have time, I work a lot so that I can provide for my family" blah blah blah, he just says "WELL MAKE TIME." Super helpful, guy.

Not to mention the book is sexist and heteronormative. Unfortunately, I did a little googling on the author AFTER the fact, and of course it is, because he's a Bible beater. I wish I had known that before I wasted my $7 on the Kindle book. I'd really like to see this concept updated and brought into the 21st century, written in such a manner as to A) actually include all walks of life, not just middle class straight white married couples, and B) actually offer advice that can be applied to a relationship. ...more

5

May 31, 2011

This book was recommended to my friend by her pastor to read before she got married. My assumption was that it would be religious in tone and not very relevant to today's relationships.
I'm so glad I was wrong! This is one of those books I would suggest everyone read. It is such a simple explanation of what can so often go wrong in relationships. It's not about men vs. women, it's about the way people receive love.
The basis is there are 5 Love Languages (obviously). And if you speak a different This book was recommended to my friend by her pastor to read before she got married. My assumption was that it would be religious in tone and not very relevant to today's relationships.
I'm so glad I was wrong! This is one of those books I would suggest everyone read. It is such a simple explanation of what can so often go wrong in relationships. It's not about men vs. women, it's about the way people receive love.
The basis is there are 5 Love Languages (obviously). And if you speak a different love language than your partner, then you may not feel loved.

The 5 Love Languages are:
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch

I'm sure everyone responds to all of these in some way, but we all have a primary language. There is a great quiz in the back that can help you more quickly define yours. By reading the book, I knew what mine was, but the survey pinpointed it to a T and helped me rank mine by importance, even better than I think I could have done on my own.
This book will help you in your current relationships (of all kinds, not just romantic) and any future relationships you'll have. It really pinpoints how relationships can fall apart after the honeymoon period is over, even if you still love each other. It helps you understand how to show your love for someone else in a way that they'll best receive it.
I could give a bunch of examples from the book, but I want you to read it! So go get it from the library TODAY. Then share with me what your primary language is! I'd love to know everyone's. Mine is Words of Affirmation.

"Almost never do two people fall in love on the same day, and almost never do they fall out of love on the same day."
"Love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself."
...more

2

Jun 23, 2007

This book is based on the premise that everyone has a "love language". Things others say or do that make one feel "loved",they are follows:


-words of affirmation.
-recieving gifts.
-acts of service.
-physical touch.
-quality time.

Personally I want you to tell me how great I am (words of affirmation) while walking in the house with a collection of poetry for me (receiving gifts), make a beeline for the trash that needs to be taken out (acts of service), then come back in and read quietly next to me This book is based on the premise that everyone has a "love language". Things others say or do that make one feel "loved",they are follows:


-words of affirmation.
-recieving gifts.
-acts of service.
-physical touch.
-quality time.

Personally I want you to tell me how great I am (words of affirmation) while walking in the house with a collection of poetry for me (receiving gifts), make a beeline for the trash that needs to be taken out (acts of service), then come back in and read quietly next to me (quality time) before I ride you like the wild stallion that you are (physical touch) so where does that leave me? Which love language am I? This book was not helpful (as indicated by the shelf it's on). ...more

5

Feb 24, 2008

My mother in law gave me this book and I hesitated reading it because it sounds so cheesy (and just take a look at the cover--how dorky!) But I was stuck on vacation with nothing else to read so I reluctantly gave it a try. In a nutshell, this book has changed my life. Page after page I found myself wanting to yell, "yes! Thats exactly right!" If I could give this more than five stars, I would. Okay, maybe "changed my life" is a bit strong, but it has certainly enhanced my marriage like nothing My mother in law gave me this book and I hesitated reading it because it sounds so cheesy (and just take a look at the cover--how dorky!) But I was stuck on vacation with nothing else to read so I reluctantly gave it a try. In a nutshell, this book has changed my life. Page after page I found myself wanting to yell, "yes! Thats exactly right!" If I could give this more than five stars, I would. Okay, maybe "changed my life" is a bit strong, but it has certainly enhanced my marriage like nothing else I've ever read or done.
The advice this author gives is so profound and universal, it can be applied successfully to any deep relationship you have (children, parents, close friends). I just can't recommend it highly enough. Every couple, whether newly together or old marrieds, could benefit from this book. ...more

2

Aug 18, 2017

This was recommended by a “friend” of my wife, which proves part of the old adage: “A friend of thy wife, is thine enemy”.

That’s from the Bible or the Decameron or Archie Comics.

I think.

I’ll do the whole would-it-kill-you-to-read-something-positive-with-me-for-a-change thing if I want something in return in order spend some time with my wife. Plus, bonus, the audio book was relatively short.



I’ve had to read a few scoops of self-help crap literature over the years, so I’m down with the lingo: This was recommended by a “friend” of my wife, which proves part of the old adage: “A friend of thy wife, is thine enemy”.

That’s from the Bible or the Decameron or Archie Comics.

I think.

I’ll do the whole would-it-kill-you-to-read-something-positive-with-me-for-a-change thing if I want something in return in order spend some time with my wife. Plus, bonus, the audio book was relatively short.



I’ve had to read a few scoops of self-help crap literature over the years, so I’m down with the lingo:

Annie Wilkes’s How to Win Friends and Influence People.



I’m OK (Neurotic, OCD, manic-depressive), You’re OK (Nymphomaniac, Daddy issues, Passive-aggressive).



Untying my “inner child” from the radiator and letting him have ice cream with my “toxic” parents.



Books that give you a “thought for the day”, you know, something cosmic and revelatory to think about and chew on for eternity (or until you close the book).



Jeff, buddy, I’m breathless with anticipation! What are the five languages of love, already?

Well, as a way to work into that, fanatical (and borderline crazy) Goodreader, let me explain the good doctor’s theory on the FIVE languages of love. Basically, we all speak a primary language and we all have a language of love that we learned from mommy and daddy.

One of five languages of love.



Five! Count ‘em, Five!



What was that number again?



So, that number is five, right?



Stop dragging this out in order to post “five” gifs.

According to Dr. Chapman, the five languages are:



Now, I’m done.

1) Giving gifts – If the last time you gave your wife flowers was when Nirvana was a thing, then this one isn’t you.

2) Words of affirmation – These don’t include: “You’re an idiot/moron/devil/shrew/succubus etc.”

3) Acts of Service or doing stuff for your loved one or something – Helping my wife bury the hoochies that chase after our son qualifies here.



4) Quality time –



It’s not me, me, me. Maybe your wife, wants to hang with you and do stuff, like, I don’t know, talk…

5) Physical touch – It’s not only smexy times, but just being there, being present.



Note to wife: Please treat every day like my birthday!

So, in a nutshell, recognize your love language and your spouse’s love language and try to accommodate them in some small way.

If I’ve saved your marriage, you’re welcome or just send me a check. Make it out to “CASH”.

Warning! The doctor likes to work in the Christian stuff and this is strictly a hetero tome, so if the first is a turn off and you find the second limited, look for help elsewhere. And like anything in this world that makes money, Chapman has written enough additional books on this subject to choke a Tijuana stage show donkey. ...more

4

Jul 16, 2018

Chapman used many real-life examples from his own marriage, and of couples that he had counselled across the years, to illustrate the concepts in his book and how they can be applied to address different marriage/ relationship issues and circumstances. These are case studies help us to identify similarities and lessons for our own relationships.

In the book, he also offers 2 pages of additional ideas and suggestions for each of the 5 love languages, as well as separate love language profile Chapman used many real-life examples from his own marriage, and of couples that he had counselled across the years, to illustrate the concepts in his book and how they can be applied to address different marriage/ relationship issues and circumstances. These are case studies help us to identify similarities and lessons for our own relationships.

In the book, he also offers 2 pages of additional ideas and suggestions for each of the 5 love languages, as well as separate love language profile surveys for husbands and wives (to identify your primary love language). If you enjoyed the ideas in this article, do get a copy of The 5 Love Languages from Amazon ...more

1

Jul 07, 2015

I won't go into the circumstances which lead to this bizarre buddy read that took place at Disneyland. Sometimes life can be stranger than fiction. I will say that this book has some reasonably helpful thoughts and ideas, but... it is way too simplified and way too heteronormative and way too traditional Christian-value based to speak to me in any meaningful way.

Every single example featured a husband/breadwinner and wife/homemaker (who sometimes worked outside the home) couple. In one example, I won't go into the circumstances which lead to this bizarre buddy read that took place at Disneyland. Sometimes life can be stranger than fiction. I will say that this book has some reasonably helpful thoughts and ideas, but... it is way too simplified and way too heteronormative and way too traditional Christian-value based to speak to me in any meaningful way.

Every single example featured a husband/breadwinner and wife/homemaker (who sometimes worked outside the home) couple. In one example, when the wife was asked to describe something positive about her husband, she says: "he let's me keep any money I earn in my part time job". Another example included a young wife who wished her husband would change the baby's diaper when he got home from work because she was busy cooking dinner (HIM: I would like her to cook dinner for when I get home from work).... WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!?!?!

The author didn't overtly advocate for traditional gender roles in the home, but I couldn't help but think there was a subliminal message indicating his preference for this. In the one example where the husband seemed to take on a fair share of the cooking, cleaning and other assorted domestic chores, the wife complained. She wanted him to spend more time with her. As it turned out, the wife really wanted to cook and clean, but the husband was too efficient and didn't give her a chance to do so. Oh, happy ending. Needless to say, I'm crying feminist tears at this point.

Don't get me wrong, I am all for good communication, respect and understanding how to make your spouse feel loved. But when this misogynist flavored relationship guru doled out advice to a woman in a 'horrible' marriage, I took issue. The details of horror of the marriage were largely unsaid, other than it was given that the husband cursed and said he hated his wife. This woman was very religious and clearly the idea of leaving her husband was at odds with her beliefs. Since the husband had no interest in seeking marriage counseling, the author/marriage counselor devised a unilateral plan he admitted didn't know would work. The crux of the plan was for the wife to speak to her husband in his love language, and hopefully he would eventually he would reciprocate and the love tanks would start to refill. This plan basically suggested, among other things, that the wife initiate sex with her husband (as his love language was physical touch) even though this idea did not appeal to the wife. Kind of a 'take one for the team' approach. The author clearly said that this was her decision to do so. Ok, so all this has the appearance of consenting adults and informed decisions, so where's the problem Katie? Oh, I don't know, how about emotional manipulation of the vulnerable? Call me cynical, but I picture an abused spouse (view spoiler)[emotional or physical, it makes no difference to me (hide spoiler)] reading this and thinking that I just need to have sex with my husband and maybe things will work out.

And that leads me to the other big issue I had with this book. All the case studies were simple and tidy and all had happily ever afters. Not very realistic. This author only cited success stories and provided no useful examples of how this love language thing can go wrong.

Overall, I think the idea of love languages seems reasonable, but I was sorely disappointed in the examples and approaches suggested by the author. At best, he gave an overly optimistic view of how implementing his ideas would work. (and if they don't work the first time, perhaps you could try one of his marriage $eminars or buy more of his book$) At worst, they pander to the emotionally vulnerable in abusive relationships, giving them specious relationship advice.
...more

4

Jun 09, 2018

A quick and valuable read to help you better understand how you and your partner best like to express and receive love. Great for helping you see what you truly value in a partner and what your partner truly values in you.

5

Feb 05, 2016

4.5 stars

I absolutely recommend this book to EVERYONE. Whether you are married, dating, single, whatever. The ideas and concepts in this book will benefit any relationship. The idea of loving others the way they need to be loved might feel counterintuitive, but it something so essential to growing as a person and understanding what love really is.

I had always known about this book and the love languages, but this was the first time I actually read it. Of course, as with any self-help type of 4.5 stars

I absolutely recommend this book to EVERYONE. Whether you are married, dating, single, whatever. The ideas and concepts in this book will benefit any relationship. The idea of loving others the way they need to be loved might feel counterintuitive, but it something so essential to growing as a person and understanding what love really is.

I had always known about this book and the love languages, but this was the first time I actually read it. Of course, as with any self-help type of book, there were a few cheesy moments, which is why I docked it half a star, but overall it was a fantastic read! ...more

2

Mar 15, 2011

blahblahblahblah
Doing what your spouse asks of you makes them love you more. There. I just saved you $14.

4

Dec 11, 2017

This year I'm doing a Reading Challenge; so I have 26 books with specific subjects that I need to read.
BOOK21: A book that will improve a specific area of your life

I think every married couple should read this at least once.
Do the quiz and know what Love Language your partner speaks.

For the advice given in this book I give Chapman a five star rating.
The writing on the other hand was not that good. He tends to "speak" down to the reader, making you think - I am not that stupid. Also he repeats
This year I'm doing a Reading Challenge; so I have 26 books with specific subjects that I need to read.
BOOK21: A book that will improve a specific area of your life

I think every married couple should read this at least once.
Do the quiz and know what Love Language your partner speaks.

For the advice given in this book I give Chapman a five star rating.
The writing on the other hand was not that good. He tends to "speak" down to the reader, making you think - I am not that stupid. Also he repeats himself A LOT!

Reading this I think is the easy part: to practice what Chapman suggest is the difficult part. ...more

5

Nov 29, 2007

My dad actually recommended this book to me and I finally decided to check it out from the library. Although I think my husband and I have a good relationship - it was amazing how much I learned from this book! And how I realized that by understand how we communicate differently - it could strengthen our relationship. I would recommend this book to just about anyone! A lot of it seems common sense but it's a good reminder and an eye-opener to read it.

4

Jul 31, 2011

The author says love is a choice. He says that the infatuation that people experience in the beginning of the relationship is not real love. It is something else. Real love takes work while the infatuation period is instinctual and effortless. But isn't it the stuff we dream of and wish would last forever? Can we really accept that we will only get that chance at the beginning of the relationship and that thereafter, in order to remain monogamous, we must accept that it is not for us to feel The author says love is a choice. He says that the infatuation that people experience in the beginning of the relationship is not real love. It is something else. Real love takes work while the infatuation period is instinctual and effortless. But isn't it the stuff we dream of and wish would last forever? Can we really accept that we will only get that chance at the beginning of the relationship and that thereafter, in order to remain monogamous, we must accept that it is not for us to feel ever again? It explains a lot. But I accept his theory with the angst of a romantic.

Yet anyone who is married and holds married life as a value that must be maintained must at some point consider the notion that making the marriage work after the honeymoon can be a matter of personal choice. And in so choosing, there are actions that communicate that willingness to different people psychologically. These are the five love languages that the author discusses: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Giving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch. I will not go into any details of what is meant by each of these here. The titles are somewhat self-explanatory, with the exception of the last one, which does not necessarily refer to sex. The author explains each love language along with the concept that most people are chiefly responsive to just one. He also discusses how to determine your own as well as your spouse's, and even provides some optimistic advice on how to practice the love languages with an unreciprocating partner. Despite the author's Christian underpinnings, as a non-Christian, to me this did not detract from the relevance of the author's ideas.

In fact, these "love languages" are not confined only to the marriage relationship, but may also serve to strengthen bonds with children - or perhaps any other person you need to communicate your love and support for. I especially found the chapter on children the most valuable because it not only expands the concept beyond the marriage relationship, but also drives home the point. We might have a choice as to whether we wish to stay married or not - but our children are ours forever.

And this brings me back to the point about marriage. Far from being ready to claim mastery of the ultimate male-female partnership, I have reflected upon it a great deal. In an age where the divorce rate challenges the age-old institution upon which the family is built, one must ask how marriages were ever successful in the past. Some may point out that they really weren't, but that society simply forced two people to be miserable by making it taboo to separate. And this then begs the question, why would the world's varied cultures and divinely inspired religions condone this relationship again and again? In fact, I would venture to point out that for the vast measure of our recorded history marriage has not only been a standard, but has also been traditionally arranged! What ancient wisdom allowed such "life-sentences" to form such a firm foundation for the basic building block of society?

I suspect the answer lies right here in this book. As hard as it may be to admit, the commonplace yearning for finding a new and exciting fling is quite likely an unfortunate addiction to a desire that in its very nature is meant to be only a temporary rush that pulls two people inexplicably together at the heart during their initial engagement. It is later, through maturity and insight into what makes the other person tick that we can choose to make each other perpetually happy and foster the bonds of enduring love. This book provides some valid insight into this process. It is light and easy reading that I think every couple should invest some time into, again and again.

MM March 1, 2005 ...more

5

Oct 14, 2019

I found this book useful without being preachy and guilt ridden. Gary Chapman is a marriage genius. I felt like I was in couple's therapy without paying hundreds an hour. He used Jesus as an example once, for anyone avoiding religious text.

As we all know marriage is hard and it is a daily choice to love but after the honeymoon bliss is over can we still have a happy marriage? Did the other person suddenly change or did we change without thinking about it?

There's so much static in our daily I found this book useful without being preachy and guilt ridden. Gary Chapman is a marriage genius. I felt like I was in couple's therapy without paying hundreds an hour. He used Jesus as an example once, for anyone avoiding religious text.

As we all know marriage is hard and it is a daily choice to love but after the honeymoon bliss is over can we still have a happy marriage? Did the other person suddenly change or did we change without thinking about it?

There's so much static in our daily lives; work, bills, kids, money, climbing the social ladder, other people, resentment, exhaustion etc. We start to take our relationship for granted and it starts to surface as anger and hate.

So in 5 steps you find your way toward a more loving, enjoyable partner bc of the way you love him. Chapman doesn't promise easy; he promises a happier emotional love tank which can make the marriage reborn.

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
QUALITY TIME
RECEIVING GIFTS
ACTS OF SERVICE
PHYSICAL TOUCH

Which fills you up? Which fills them up?

Side note: I discovered WORDS OF AFFIRMATION makes me feel loved.

His first is: PHYSICAL TOUCH and second QUALITY TIME ...more

5

Apr 21, 2013

I read this book in 2 days; it is a quick read that incorporates stories to illustrate human nature when it comes to expressing love--especially in marriage. It is brilliant not for its originality of ideas but rather in its categorization and clarity of ideas. In the words of John Lennon, "All you need is love." Love is the most important thing, and yet, many people have a truly hard time feeling loved and successfully expressing love to those who matter most to them. Why is this? Dr. Chapman I read this book in 2 days; it is a quick read that incorporates stories to illustrate human nature when it comes to expressing love--especially in marriage. It is brilliant not for its originality of ideas but rather in its categorization and clarity of ideas. In the words of John Lennon, "All you need is love." Love is the most important thing, and yet, many people have a truly hard time feeling loved and successfully expressing love to those who matter most to them. Why is this? Dr. Chapman thinks it is because people speak different love languages. Within these broad fields there are different "dialects" but overall there are five love languages that people value: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

In general, each individual has a "primary language" or two that he (or she) values above others. As a result of our complex variations of nurture and nature, people have individual preferences. When we are "courting" someone we experience the euphoria of "falling in love" and in general all of these languages are "spoken" between two parties to some degree. But after marriage (or even after about two years of courting--the euphoria stage rarely lasts a few months longer than two years), expressing love continually becomes less natural. It is common to focus on expressing love the way we want it expressed to us rather than understanding the needs of our spouse and choosing to "speak their language;" true love requires choice and sacrifice. This is not rocket science, but I found it very helpful to read through it and recognize the power of thinking through this simple revelation of differences in expectation and affection. ...more

2

Feb 13, 2009

I would never have read this book on my own but was urged to read it after a debate with a friend of my roommate. It's written by a marriage counselor and directed towards couples, but it can be applied to all relationships, both romantic and platonic. The author's theory is that there are five major ways to express love (the five love languages). Each of us has a primary love language, and relationship problems occur when others fail to express love to us in that language. It's an interesting I would never have read this book on my own but was urged to read it after a debate with a friend of my roommate. It's written by a marriage counselor and directed towards couples, but it can be applied to all relationships, both romantic and platonic. The author's theory is that there are five major ways to express love (the five love languages). Each of us has a primary love language, and relationship problems occur when others fail to express love to us in that language. It's an interesting theory but WAY oversimplified, and I was extremely bothered by one of the real life stories where the author encourages a wife to stay with an abusive husband and rescue their marriage by learning his love language. That's crap! The book is written from a religious perspective, and I struggled a lot with that as well. Overall, I wasn't so impressed, but I did conclude that my love language is Quality Time, and I've been surprised by how much insight that has provided into how I operate in relationships. For that alone, it gets two stars instead of one. ...more

4

Apr 10, 2011

This book looks cheesy as fuck from the outside, but it's full of practical, down-to-earth wisdom. If you are married (or thinking about getting married), divorced (or thinking about getting divorced), read this book.

4

Jan 13, 2009

Everyone has "the" relationship book. This book will NOT automatically solve all relationship problems. People have to want to work on things; have to want to communicate needs and expectations. Having said that, I have not seen a better way to tie in to your significant other's point of view, then trying to understand how THEY need to have love expressed. But even more importantly, maybe, is looking at ourselves and seeing how we automatically expect others to "get" love the way that we need to Everyone has "the" relationship book. This book will NOT automatically solve all relationship problems. People have to want to work on things; have to want to communicate needs and expectations. Having said that, I have not seen a better way to tie in to your significant other's point of view, then trying to understand how THEY need to have love expressed. But even more importantly, maybe, is looking at ourselves and seeing how we automatically expect others to "get" love the way that we need to 'get' it. Which is simply not the way it works.

I was especially enlighted when Chapman talks about the difference between love as a "feeling" and love as an "action". The latter is what Christ is asking us to do.

I had previously read the "Peacegiver". These two books together would be an excellenet companion set. ...more

5

May 13, 2012

I loved this book! Before reading I had considered the premise to be very basic, common-sense knowledge and didn't think the book would tell me anything I couldn't have figured out on my own. Five love languages, not everyone speaks the same love language....ok, well as long as you know what they are, shouldn't have to read the book, right? Wrong. Gary Chapman's years of marriage counseling have brought him invaluable insights that EVERYONE should be privy to. I'm not just talking married I loved this book! Before reading I had considered the premise to be very basic, common-sense knowledge and didn't think the book would tell me anything I couldn't have figured out on my own. Five love languages, not everyone speaks the same love language....ok, well as long as you know what they are, shouldn't have to read the book, right? Wrong. Gary Chapman's years of marriage counseling have brought him invaluable insights that EVERYONE should be privy to. I'm not just talking married couples, I'm talking parents, children, friends...anyone in any relationship should know this stuff. Chapman explains what each love language entails, and gives examples of some of the "dialects" in each language (for example, quality time may mean quality conversation.) And then he tells you very specifically what you can do to learn to "speak" each love language. There are books geared towards different types of relationships that are probably worth taking a look at, too...but this one is fantastic! ...more

3

Nov 17, 2016

Reasons I read this book:

- It was free;

and on a slightly more embarrassing note

- I read blogs about The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and every season someone very seriously mentions their "love language", and not even in a self-deprecatingly British way, which is really the only way to pull off saying, "my love language is words of affirmation". Just to be clear, I don't actually watch the television show, I just really enjoy reading blogs that analyse each episode and all of the delightfully Reasons I read this book:

- It was free;

and on a slightly more embarrassing note

- I read blogs about The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and every season someone very seriously mentions their "love language", and not even in a self-deprecatingly British way, which is really the only way to pull off saying, "my love language is words of affirmation". Just to be clear, I don't actually watch the television show, I just really enjoy reading blogs that analyse each episode and all of the delightfully ridiculous things that happen. When people question this life choice, I like to think that it's my flaws that make me human.

Now that I've hopefully sufficiently justified why I read this book, let's get to the content. As advertised in the title, this book is about five love languages. They are, in no particular order:

1. Words of affirmation
2. Quality time
3. Receiving gifts
4. Acts of service
5. Physical touch

That list should have come with a spoiler tag because it's all rather self-explanatory, and now there's no reason for you to read the book. I'm sorry. (I'm actually not really, but apologising just seemed like the polite thing to do here.)

The author implores you throughout the book to discover the love language of your significant other and then everything will be fine if you focus on meeting that one need. In my very humble opinion through knowledge gained largely by reading blogs on The Bachelor, I'd suggest being a bit more ambitious and trying to provide your partner with all these forms of love.

So, things I liked about the book:

- It's always nice to be reminded that one shouldn't be complacent in a relationship and you should remember to express your love.

- I like the very specific examples about how you can express love in various ways because I'm lazy and now I can just shamelessly steal ideas straight from the book.

Things that were bizarre:

- The author was rather self-promotional about this book in the book itself. He kept encouraging the reader to give this book to family and friends.

- The examples given about complaints wive and husbands had about each other were all very archaic (or rather I hope they are):

Wife: We never talk.

Husband: You should have dinner ready by the time I get back home.

Highlight of the book:

The author counsels a woman who was reluctant to be intimate with her husband anymore (it was a failing marriage) to initiate sex with her husband by leaning on Jesus and her faith. Here are some choice quotes:

“You will probably have to rely heavily upon your faith in God in order to do this. Perhaps it will help if you read again Jesus’ sermon on loving your enemies”

“You are simply choosing to do something for his benefit. I think that must be what Jesus meant.”

Holy crap!





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4

Nov 08, 2019

It's an interesting look at how we communicate with those we love and how they communicate with us.

4

Aug 27, 2011

The premise of this best-selling book is quite simple, but many of us haven't tried looking at our marriages this way. In short, people have their own, often unconscious way of expressing love and rarely do two spouses have the same "Love Language." This can cause trouble in a marriage because we may simply not understand the way in which our partner is expressing his or her love, even if s/he is trying really hard to express it and has NO idea we aren't getting it. In turn, s/he may not feel The premise of this best-selling book is quite simple, but many of us haven't tried looking at our marriages this way. In short, people have their own, often unconscious way of expressing love and rarely do two spouses have the same "Love Language." This can cause trouble in a marriage because we may simply not understand the way in which our partner is expressing his or her love, even if s/he is trying really hard to express it and has NO idea we aren't getting it. In turn, s/he may not feel loved if we are "speaking a different language." Thus, we could be struggling for years and still be completely misreading each other.
To my surprise, my husband was actually willing to take the quiz at the end of the book with me, and we have had a FABULOUS few days so far. Just knowing which Love Language is most important to each other can make us happier, and an awful lot less frustrated.
Let's see if he keeps this up (nudge-nudge, wink-wink!).

A couple things that annoyed me: the author is a devout Christian and mentions his beliefs a little more often than I would prefer. And he is more than a trifle sexist. He's convinced that women mainly have sex for emotional reasons whereas men have a stronger physical need. In a word: bullshit. On the men's version of the quiz there is a question about "loving to have sex with my wife", but on the women's version, the wording is changed to "I love cuddling with my husband".
BAH HUMBUG to that! Dr. Chapman, sir, it is the 21st Century. Do you truly think that most women have that hard of a time admitting that they enjoy having sex?!
Poppycock and balderdash and Honey, puh-leeze! Dr. Chapman, I really do feel you, and I cannot tell you how delighted I am that you got my husband's attention, but you just lost yourself a 5-star rating for going on and on about the Gospel of Luke and for being stuck in the Victorian era in terms of gender differences.

In spite of that, I found the book readable, useful and, if my husband's behavior is any indication, very helpful.

**2014 Follow-up:
Still works for me. It helps just knowing that Mr. Gaijinpapa is trying to express love in his own way, which isn't my way, but hey I am me and he is he..so I appreciate his effort and I try to understand his way and do not try to change him. After 23 years, I think romance is all well and good, but marriage is really about patience and being willing to accept each other for who you are..I am still Royally Pissed Off about the Gender and Kinda Fundamentalist Religious stuff. Dr. Chapman, Sir, I maintain that women like to get some! Cuddles are nice too, and guys might be happier and healthier if society would allow them to admit that they too need to cuddle sometimes, but sometimes we ladies want..you know...It and why pretend otherwise?


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4

Feb 18, 2009

I was tempted to not give this book a high rating because I do not like self-help books and especially marriage advice type things. So many people recommended this book to me that I wanted to read it just so I could have an opinion on it and I have to say that I think it is pretty useful. It is definitely cheesy and certainly oversimplified, but the author is on to something. I have been trying this out not just on my marriage, but also with my children and other relationships and it's just nice I was tempted to not give this book a high rating because I do not like self-help books and especially marriage advice type things. So many people recommended this book to me that I wanted to read it just so I could have an opinion on it and I have to say that I think it is pretty useful. It is definitely cheesy and certainly oversimplified, but the author is on to something. I have been trying this out not just on my marriage, but also with my children and other relationships and it's just nice to know that people speak different "languages" or whateve you want to call them when it comes to feeling appreciated/loved. I do not think that there are only 5 and I do not think people have just one or two, but it's good to know that it probably isn't the one you are using and to try to observe and use different ways of communicating. My other criticism is that Gary Chapman never even mentions gender differences and I am sort of relieved that he doesn't because I would be worried that they would be oversimplified. But I do think that a lot of miscommunication happens along gender lines. All in all, I liked it and I would recommend it to anyone in a marriage or any type of relationship--not as the only tool, but as a useful one, in trying to understand and appreciate your spouse/significant other/child. ...more

5

Aug 28, 2012

I highly recommend this book for ANY couple. Married, engaged, dating, gay, straight. It matters not. I even recommend it if you're single. My husband and I were on the verge of divorce, even separated, but after some counseling and reading this book it has helped us out tremendously! I bought a copy for my mom, sisters, and brother because I think it is that important to read his book and understand your significant others love language.