4.22/5
Author: Schnarch PhD, David
Publication Date: Apr 27, 2009
Formats: PDF,Paperback,Hardcover
Rating: 4.22/5 out of 2934
Publisher: W. W. Norton
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“A classic.” ―William H. Masters,
M.D.
Jan 22, 2008
I read this book at a time of painful difficulty - would the much-cherished marriage I'd been in many years actually come to an end (unthinkable) or would we, or I, or him, find a way to get to the bottom of what "went wrong" as we then thought, and from there, reinvent?Sep 10, 2008
Early in his career, Passionate Marriage author David Snarch found it odd that sex therapy and marital therapy were two entirely separate disciplines. He spent the next several decades refining his theory that what happens in the bedroom can be an important window into the dynamics of the greater marriage itself.Oct 22, 2013
This is a book I needed to read when I was a teenager. My review of five stars is not based on how well the author writes or communicates, but rather how important I think this information is. We grow up with a distorted sense of what love and intimacy are all about. That is to say we think it is all about us and our needs. We seek to fulfill ourselves through our relationships and get our needs met and our very selves validated by other people. The Passionate Marriage approach (although I think This is a book I needed to read when I was a teenager. My review of five stars is not based on how well the author writes or communicates, but rather how important I think this information is. We grow up with a distorted sense of what love and intimacy are all about. That is to say we think it is all about us and our needs. We seek to fulfill ourselves through our relationships and get our needs met and our very selves validated by other people. The Passionate Marriage approach (although I think it applies across all relationships and not just marriage) is that we must first validate and develop ourselves and only then can we truly experience the intimacy that we desire. Any intimacy that is based on fear and neediness can never truly fulfill you. Intimacy based on self-fulfillment and personal strength means that you are choosing your partner for who they are and NOT who you need them to be for you. I've read other books that contain these same ideas (Harriet Lerner's "Dance of" books for example) but for some reason Passionate Marriage was the one that really connected with me at a visceral level. ...moreFeb 25, 2013
This is Schnarch's attempt at merging marital and sex therapy. My reaction to this book is very mixed. On the one hand I think that there are a lot of valuable points in the book. On the other, I really disliked reading it, only finished it because I was getting CE credits for it (available on http://www.ce-credit.com/ btw) and felt I had to read every word, and feel there are some serious limitations to his conceptualization.Nov 05, 2007
Although this book is almost as weighty as a textbook, I HIGHLY recommend it! It is the first NEW point of view on marriage and relationships that I'd read for a very long time. It is not really about sex--at least not for its own sake--but looks at sex as the "crucible" in which a lot of emotional issues are worked out.Dec 09, 2014
Two things I did not like: 1)The part that degenerates into self-help. (I loathe self-help books because they tell me what to do.) 2) The title. A boring but more apt title might be "Understanding Identity, Sexuality & Intimacy". That said, I can't recall ever reading a book the way I read this one. I cried, I reread, I underlined and starred, I put it down for a few minutes every now and then so I could think. Because I have spent the past five or so years struggling intensely with identity Two things I did not like: 1)The part that degenerates into self-help. (I loathe self-help books because they tell me what to do.) 2) The title. A boring but more apt title might be "Understanding Identity, Sexuality & Intimacy". That said, I can't recall ever reading a book the way I read this one. I cried, I reread, I underlined and starred, I put it down for a few minutes every now and then so I could think. Because I have spent the past five or so years struggling intensely with identity and intimacy, I can attest to some of the truths presented. Others I hope to be able to test in the future. I would say that I wish I had read this book as a young adult, but I really don't think I would have gotten much out of it. All the same, I'm determined to find ways to share its wisdom with my children. For instance, I was raised in a church that taught, "If you save sex for marriage it will be a beautiful, sacred experience that will draw you closer to your spouse." Really, it was that simple. But of course it wasn't. Passionate Marriage helped me understand exactly how this can happen. I would really like to discuss this book with someone I know, so please read it. Soon. ...moreJan 07, 2013
In the work I've done helping others with their relationships, I've had the opportunity to read plenty of self-help books on relationships. Most of the time I find the books useless, if not harmful. On the recommendation of a friend I checked this book out from the library. Now I'm buying it. I'm also recommending it to every person I know who is ready to make improvements in ALL of their relationships--including their relationships with their self.Dec 04, 2013
Without a shred of a doubt, the best book on marriage out there.Oct 19, 2015
This is required reading for couples, and relationship therapists, for sure; chapters 1-2 and 11-13 in particular (if you don't have the time or interest to get through the whole thing). I do think, however, that this book suffers from some of the same things the other marriage bookshelf standard "Hold Me Tight" does—both authors oversell their theory (in this case "differentiation"; in the latter, "attachment"). When you're a hammer...Aug 17, 2007
Although a noble idea and a potentially juicy topic, the clinical nature of this book made it difficult to slog through to the actually useful information...wait, was there any actually useful information? I'm not sure. I couldn't get through the first few chapters.Mar 24, 2010
This is one of the best relationship books ever written! I have a dog-eared copy that is going on ten years old... and every time I open it, I learn something new. An absolute MUST READ for every woman who has ever been in a relationship.Nov 27, 2009
The first two chapters are quite good abouts differentiation and its importance in relationship. I stopped reading shortly after that as the quality of the book and the extent of the author's ego threatened to negate anything useful he had to say in the beginning.Mar 08, 2014
I hesitated putting this book on my virtual bookshelf because some may find the language and details offensive or too descriptive. Those parts can be skimmed over if you want. However, this is not a sex "how to" book. It is all about maturing in a committed relationship (marriage) and confronting yourself and acting out of integrity. The crucible of marriage, as David Schnarch explains, is all about a marriage falling together when it appears to be falling apart. Differentiation is the key to a I hesitated putting this book on my virtual bookshelf because some may find the language and details offensive or too descriptive. Those parts can be skimmed over if you want. However, this is not a sex "how to" book. It is all about maturing in a committed relationship (marriage) and confronting yourself and acting out of integrity. The crucible of marriage, as David Schnarch explains, is all about a marriage falling together when it appears to be falling apart. Differentiation is the key to a deeper, more meaningful, and happier relationship within marriage, and with all of the relationships in your life. This book had a profound impact on me. ...moreApr 04, 2014
I LOVE THIS BOOK! Schnarch’s thesis can be condensed into the following quote, “Trusting me isn’t going to change you; trusting (and mobilizing) yourself will. The endpoint of differentiation is being willing and able to trust yourself†What is so fantastic about Schnarch theory is that its application is not limited to the context of marriage; but any intimate relationship. The process of differentiation is a journey of discovering oneself and can only occur in the context of close I LOVE THIS BOOK! Schnarch’s thesis can be condensed into the following quote, “Trusting me isn’t going to change you; trusting (and mobilizing) yourself will. The endpoint of differentiation is being willing and able to trust yourself†What is so fantastic about Schnarch theory is that its application is not limited to the context of marriage; but any intimate relationship. The process of differentiation is a journey of discovering oneself and can only occur in the context of close relationships. He reminds us that differentiation is not a behavior that we adopt; it is a process of becoming more fully oneself while tolerating closeness and maintaining relationship with other. This book is a layman's version of his more weighty work, "The Sexual Crucible". As a future therapist, this is the modality that resonates as the healthiest approach to helping people look to intimacy as a context for growth rather than a other-validated unit that leads only to disillusionment and disappointment (We never get the acceptance and validation we are seeking from the other....we can only provide it for ourselves). Schnarch calls it holding onto oneself while tolerating closeness with another. There is so much depth and so many 'aha moments while reading this work, its one I know I will return to over and over as I move forward into practice. ...moreOct 18, 2011
The Intro to this book was very pompous sounding as in, this is the greatest book ever and I wouldn't change a thing, but who knows, maybe he has some great things to say.Aug 16, 2007
Differentiation, self-validation. I randomly picked up this book and B&N. Then flip through it. It talks frankly. I was shock to find the author's differentiations between sex, love making, and f*ing. This greatly impressed as most book of this nature doesn't talk honestly about the subject. At the same time, I also picked up 'Seven Levels of Intimacy'. After reading some of the Goodreads reviews, I'm convinced that I should read this book before any other self-help books on relationships.Jan 20, 2009
I wasn't sure if I should include this book on my virtual bookshelf because there is a lot that might (will) offend the lds person. The language can be frank and graphic and Dr Schnarch includes peeks into the sex lives of his patients that is often just too much. I mean, you can skim or skip those parts, obviously, but things tend to sneak into view. So I don't recommend this lightly or broadly. Having said that, I think that he includes those things in good faith (from his point of view) and I wasn't sure if I should include this book on my virtual bookshelf because there is a lot that might (will) offend the lds person. The language can be frank and graphic and Dr Schnarch includes peeks into the sex lives of his patients that is often just too much. I mean, you can skim or skip those parts, obviously, but things tend to sneak into view. So I don't recommend this lightly or broadly. Having said that, I think that he includes those things in good faith (from his point of view) and not to be salacious. The thing is, I wish I could blindly recommend this book to every person I know because, in many ways, it is amazing. It isn't about how to improve your intimate (sexual) relationship by trying this or doing that - there is NONE of that in this book; it is about growing up, developing integrity, and ultimately improving intimacy itself with your partner. This book and Dr Schnarch's description of differentiation had a profound positive affect on me, on the way I see myself, and on the way I see and approach my marriage.Sep 07, 2012
A great book for understanding and dismantling the brick walls - those arguments that have become impasses.Aug 27, 2015
Ok, reviewing a book like this is awkward when your friends read your reviews. Just as a disclaimer, I didn't pick this up because we're having marital discord. Things are just fine but I enjoy books that help me see things in a different light and this is a rather important subject to making a marriage work. It was recommended by an LDS blog I follow.Jan 18, 2015
Even though at times the book challenged me to reconsider my own behaviour in marriage, mostly it was full of clichés and grand statements. It felt like just another religious tract (indeed, the author seems to be oddly, obscurely ‘spiritual’ in some fashionably eastern hard-to-define way), where one assumption is used to explain everything. If Marx was obsessed with money and Freud with sex, then David Schnarch’s fixation is on what he calls ‘differentiation’. If the relationship is not working Even though at times the book challenged me to reconsider my own behaviour in marriage, mostly it was full of clichés and grand statements. It felt like just another religious tract (indeed, the author seems to be oddly, obscurely ‘spiritual’ in some fashionably eastern hard-to-define way), where one assumption is used to explain everything. If Marx was obsessed with money and Freud with sex, then David Schnarch’s fixation is on what he calls ‘differentiation’. If the relationship is not working it has nothing to do with such trivialities as love, compatibility, needs etc. Rather, it is always about the (lack of) differentiation. I only wish that life, and marriage in particular, was so predictable. ...moreDec 24, 2013
Disregard the title, it's a very good book for anyone in long-term relationship. (It even mentions same-sex couples in the intro, which is pretty good for a book from 1997.)Jun 10, 2007
This book was kinda hard to read because, well, that kinda stuff is *private* in my world, eh? However Schnartch delves into sex and the negotiation it's really about - as well as his great concept of differentiation - that really impressed me. It was a great book, despite a small handful of the Dr.'s own sexist references and outdated concepts.Jul 05, 2010
I am clearly the most differentiated!! Me!!Mar 10, 2014
Definitely a must read for any couple. Shows us how to keep love and intimacy alive. Well worth a read.Feb 19, 2009
it's kind of slow going and good food for thought- a refreshingly different perspective on relationships so far...Take your time and choose the perfect book.
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