In On It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You To Know About Adoption. A Guide for Relatives and Friends. (Mom’s Choice Award Winner) Info

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One adoption social worker called In On It "the adoption
book for everyone else": the grandparents and friends, neighbors and
colleagues, aunts and uncles, teachers and caregivers of adoptive
families. In On It contains helpful advice and instructive anecdotes
from adoptive parents, adult adoptees, adoption professionals, and the
friends and relatives of already established adoptive families. The
author, an adoptive parent herself, has written an informative, friendly
and very useful adoption guide that informs and enlightens readers even
as it offers them a warm welcome into adoption.

Average Ratings and Reviews
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4.66

373 Ratings

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Reviews for In On It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You To Know About Adoption. A Guide for Relatives and Friends. (Mom’s Choice Award Winner):

4

Aug 20, 2018

This clever little book is intended for friends and family once you have decided to announce you are adopting, to "help them" understand a few things, like:
-Adopting is personal and a long process, and this is not a whim
-Whether or not the couple had fertility issues, and what they did before deciding to adopt is none of your business
-Adoption is not about you
-Adopted children have a right to their privacy
-And other bad assumptions...

It is very direct and I particularly appreciated the This clever little book is intended for friends and family once you have decided to announce you are adopting, to "help them" understand a few things, like:
-Adopting is personal and a long process, and this is not a whim
-Whether or not the couple had fertility issues, and what they did before deciding to adopt is none of your business
-Adoption is not about you
-Adopted children have a right to their privacy
-And other bad assumptions...

It is very direct and I particularly appreciated the discussion of older children (those adopted from foster care, for instance) and the difference between the "juvenile delinquent" story that is told about older adoptees and reality.

The author also addresses the need for a new family to cocoon and really get to know each other. I bet she wishes she had this book to hand out when she adopted! I haven't seen anything like it. ...more
5

Jun 19, 2019

I could NOT put this book down. I like to think myself fairly well clued-in, but less than a chapter in, I was confronted with the magnitude of some aspects of my friend's adoption journey - even things I thought I already understood. I have a whole new appreciation for the intense care and effort my friend and her husband have and will continue to put forth throughout their journey.

I also appreciated that this mother had so much understanding and gave such validation to friends, family, I could NOT put this book down. I like to think myself fairly well clued-in, but less than a chapter in, I was confronted with the magnitude of some aspects of my friend's adoption journey - even things I thought I already understood. I have a whole new appreciation for the intense care and effort my friend and her husband have and will continue to put forth throughout their journey.

I also appreciated that this mother had so much understanding and gave such validation to friends, family, especially parents(grandparents-to-be), who all have their own process to go through in each step of the adoption journey. As part of the "adoption circle", we have a distinct role to play, and the author both affirms and gives immense responsibility to that role. I can only hope to be the open, supportive friend they need and fill that role responsibly. I think this book will help me to better do that. ...more
5

Jun 24, 2018

Excellent. Highly recommend for anyone going through the adoption process and for anyone with a loved one heading into the adoption journey. Most helpful was the insight into the adoption process (both the bureaucratic and emotional) and how to talk about adoption. Considerate, conversational, compassionate tone and lots of good info here.
2

Jan 25, 2015

I loved the idea of this book. My husband and I decided to adopt from foster care and are telling all our loved ones. My parents (the future kids' grandparents) will be a big part of the kids' lives, so I wanted to share with my parents some of the education I've been getting myself. Like many people, I knew nothing about the foster care system. I was shocked at the sheer numbers of children in foster care and the disparity between races. The levels of abuse, neglect and loss that these children I loved the idea of this book. My husband and I decided to adopt from foster care and are telling all our loved ones. My parents (the future kids' grandparents) will be a big part of the kids' lives, so I wanted to share with my parents some of the education I've been getting myself. Like many people, I knew nothing about the foster care system. I was shocked at the sheer numbers of children in foster care and the disparity between races. The levels of abuse, neglect and loss that these children suffer is mind-boggling to me. As I've been reading and learning, I've been passing some of that knowledge on, so I thought it would be nice to have a concise resource for my parents to read and feel that they too were preparing themselves.

I'm so glad I read this before giving it to my parents. Frankly, I think they would've found it insulting. Though this was written with good intentions, the author touches on only the most basic concepts (and I learned none of what I mentioned above from this book). The ideas are so simplistic that anybody with a basic sense of empathy would already have considered them. Also, it is really very short. The margins are wide and I read this easily in about an hour. The author would've done her readers a service by focusing on one topic of adoption. More than anything she deals with private adoption, so if she had made this about that and gotten into the details, it would be more worthwhile for those adopting privately.

I would've done better to save the money and direct my parents to about.com and the parenting/foster care branches of that website. Also, I just read the exceptional The Foster Parenting Toolbox, which I will be giving to my parents to read. It's more information than they need, but they can skip around and read what interests them. They are intelligent, thoughtful people who already know not to grill the kid about his/her birthmother and to ask us helpful questions about the process.

My other concern is that reading this book may make caring individuals sanitize their thoughts in conversations with loved ones. I don't want to have politically correct conversations about fost-adopt with two of the most important people in my life. If they ask inappropriate questions, that's a great chance for me to teach them more of what I know. I would be afraid that a book like this would scare loving relatives that they're going to say the wrong thing, when there is already enough else to worry about. My husband and I are more open and assertive than many people, but I will take a relationship in which my parents sometimes ask things that are offensive or annoying (which doesn't really happen), over one in which they feel they can't speak their mind or share their concerns.

In short, I do not recommend this book to anyone other than an individual adopting privately whose loved ones are pretty tactless. ...more
5

Apr 18, 2011

As a relative of someone going through the adoption process, I am "in on it" meaning part of their adoption circle. Keith and I both read this book hoping we'd glean some good information. And we did! I learned so much about the process, emotional considerations like loss and privacy of the adopted child, and how to answer questions that WE may receive about our relatives' adoption. This book was easy to read, thoughtful, and just chock full of things I've never considered. We both feel more As a relative of someone going through the adoption process, I am "in on it" meaning part of their adoption circle. Keith and I both read this book hoping we'd glean some good information. And we did! I learned so much about the process, emotional considerations like loss and privacy of the adopted child, and how to answer questions that WE may receive about our relatives' adoption. This book was easy to read, thoughtful, and just chock full of things I've never considered. We both feel more prepared to be an advocate of their adoption after reading this book. I would recommend to anyone who has a friend or relative who is adopting or has adopted. ...more
5

Jan 14, 2019

I Learned A Lot!

I’m an expecting adoptive grandparent and I’ve found this book to be very informative. I knew nothing about adoption and didn’t know where to turn. This book was recommended by a social worker and I’m glad I read it. It answers so many questions. Great information on what people might ask about our adopted grandchild and responses to give them. Our grandchild isn’t here yet but will be someday soon and I’m feeling more prepared now.
4

Jul 30, 2019

This book didn’t touch on our exact situation, but I think it is a good book to open communication between family and friends. Simple, short read to get all parties thinking and more understanding of one another.
0

Jan 14, 2019

This was incredibly helpful for someone trying to support my friends who have adopted children.
4

Nov 11, 2011

I bought the ebook version of this, and if I would have known how short it was, I probably would not have purchased it. After taking out the title pages in the front and the extra "stuff" in the back, this book was just under 100 pages long. I read it during my lunch hour.

That being said, I still gave it four stars. This book is aimed towards the family and friends of adoptive parents. Because not only will the adoptive families get looks and questions when they adopt, but so will those around I bought the ebook version of this, and if I would have known how short it was, I probably would not have purchased it. After taking out the title pages in the front and the extra "stuff" in the back, this book was just under 100 pages long. I read it during my lunch hour.

That being said, I still gave it four stars. This book is aimed towards the family and friends of adoptive parents. Because not only will the adoptive families get looks and questions when they adopt, but so will those around them. Most people don't think about that. So Elisabeth O'Toole wrote this book for people like my parents, who might get questions from other family members or even strangers that might ask those intrusive questions that they are afraid to ask us.

"What race is that child anyways?"

"Why did they adopt?"

"How much did they pay for that child?"

"Why didn't the birth parents want him/her?"

This book tells how to deal with the questions, the appropriate way to answer them, and the nice way to brush people off. It was interesting, well-- if you can get your family and friends to actually read the book. ...more
5

Sep 23, 2017

Short, to-the-point resource guide for family and friends of new adoptive parents, this book packs a lot of information with easy-to-follow actions into every chapter. I appreciated how she busted some common adoption myths and added not only her own stories but stories of other adoptive parents too. The end had a list of questions to start conversations and a hefty resource section. If we end up adopting, we'll be recommending this book to all of our friends and family.
5

Jun 23, 2011

What a fantastic book! My husband and I are are in the "waiting" phase of our adoption process, and this book was recommend by another couple in our adoption group. O'Toole - herself and adoptive mother of three - directs this book to the family and friends of adoptive families, and she hits all of the essential issues, including birth families, transracial adoptions, privacy, and the actual process of adopting - along with many other important topics. The book is easy to read, extremely What a fantastic book! My husband and I are are in the "waiting" phase of our adoption process, and this book was recommend by another couple in our adoption group. O'Toole - herself and adoptive mother of three - directs this book to the family and friends of adoptive families, and she hits all of the essential issues, including birth families, transracial adoptions, privacy, and the actual process of adopting - along with many other important topics. The book is easy to read, extremely informative, and at times quite funny, as O'Toole includes real-life examples from her own family. I look forward to sharing this book with my family and friends - our adoption circle. ...more
5

May 28, 2015

I had to read this book as part of our agency's education requirements, but unlike the other adult book, I actually enjoyed this one. The writing doesn't come across like a manual; instead, the author is funny, modern, relevant and more like a long conversation at a coffee shop with friends.

If you have ever wondered what goes through the mind of adopting parents, read this book. I would be REALLY happy and honored if any of our relatives and/or friends actually read this guide -- there's a lot I had to read this book as part of our agency's education requirements, but unlike the other adult book, I actually enjoyed this one. The writing doesn't come across like a manual; instead, the author is funny, modern, relevant and more like a long conversation at a coffee shop with friends.

If you have ever wondered what goes through the mind of adopting parents, read this book. I would be REALLY happy and honored if any of our relatives and/or friends actually read this guide -- there's a lot of great information and knowing that people support us means so much! ...more
4

Dec 08, 2016

As an adoptee and a mother watching her daughter and husband navigate the adoption process, I am amazed continually. This book made me reflect on how I felt growing up in a family where I never truly felt accepted. This book helped me understand some of my feelings that needed to be worked through. It helped me understand how to look at the adoption process through different lenses as we prepare for our family to grow larger through adoption.
5

Oct 11, 2012

A fantastic resource for family, friends, teachers, doctors... Really anyone who knows an adoptive family, or knows someone in the process of adopting. It's written clearly, with take-away tips and talking points. O'Toole helps readers move beyond the fear of saying the "wrong" thing and helps families have honest, open and loving dialogue that supports adoptive parents and the children they welcome into their families.
4

Aug 28, 2012

An outstandingly easy, yet insightful read, especially considering the subject matter. As an adoptive parent, I found that the information presented covered enough detail, without getting bogged down in the least. This is good, because I wanted to make sure that everyone I sent it to really read it, and took the content to heart. I would definitely recommend it.
5

Dec 27, 2015

I liked this book enough that I shared s copy with our closet family members as wait to complete our second adoption. It's nice and basic and helps provide some talking points to prepare extended family members. Not everything in the book is applicable to our family but enough of it is that we find it a very useful guide.
5

Feb 20, 2016

Very informational

I found this book to be a wealth of information on adoption and how it can viewed.
It was helpful to me to understand what's appropriate conversation with parents and children , as well as what might not be appropriate.
5

Aug 17, 2014

Insightful and very worth my time to read. I hope, however, that as people read this book with all its advice and reflection and dos and don'ts, that it is STILL worse to say nothing at all than to bumble out the wrong words. :)
5

Mar 30, 2015

Easy read the information is very good. I would recommend for any relevant individual.
4

Nov 14, 2013

Really well done! A must read for waiting adoptive parents and all the people in their lives.
5

Nov 04, 2011

Awesome book for adoptive parents to read and pass along to their friends and family. Practical advice and really well written
5

Nov 14, 2014

Excellent book for all members of the family involved in adoption. Bought copies for both of our families.
5

May 03, 2013

This was an excellent book for any adoptive parent and their family
4

Feb 07, 2019

This is a great resource for those who have not had much experience with adoption among their close friends or family. It also has some great reminders for those with some adoptive families who’ve been in their lives for awhile. Chapters are short, which makes it very readable and an easy tool to go back to during the whole adoption process.
5

Dec 07, 2019

This book is a fantastic tool for family and friends of an adoptive family. As someone adopting through domestic infant adoption, this book answers so many misconceptions and common questions in a very empathetic manner. I especially appreciated the chapter on privacy and stewardship of our child’s story. We are gifting this book for Christmas to all of our immediate family.

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