I Heart My Little A-Holes: A bunch of holy-crap moments no one ever told you about parenting Info

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Following the success of Go the F**k to Sleep, Confessions of a
Scary Mommy, and Ketchup Is a Vegetable, a collection of funny, warm,
and charmingly profane tales from the frontlines of parenthood by the
author of the popular Baby Sideburns blog.
Once upon a time
you and your partner had a perfect life: dinners out, weekend mornings
cuddling in bed, brunch with friends. Then you gave birth to a poop
machine (or two). Now, it's all about the pediatrician, breast pumps,
princess dresses, and minivans. And discovering that your pride and joy
is actually a little A-hole. When your son wakes you up at 3:00 A.M.
because he wants to watch Caillou, he's an a-hole. When your daughter
outlines every corner of your living room with a purple crayon, she's an
a-hole. When your rug rats purposely paint the kitchen ceiling with
their smoothies, they're a-holes. At times like these, it's only natural
to want to kill them (or yourself). But it's against the law (and
there's the suicide hotline). Plus, there's that whole loving them more
than anything in the whole world thing. In I Heart My Little A-Holes,
Karen Alpert shares hilarious stories, lists, and deep thoughts on the
joys and horrors of raising children. Accompanied by cheery
illustrations and photos I Heart My Little A-Holes will make you laugh
so hard you'll wish you were wearing a diaper.

Average Ratings and Reviews
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4.39

5814 Ratings

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Reviews for I Heart My Little A-Holes: A bunch of holy-crap moments no one ever told you about parenting:

5

Oct 21, 2013

I laughed so many times while reading this book. I want the author to be my new best friend. I doubt she needs one though, judging by the length of the list of people she thanks at the end.
1

Feb 06, 2014

(NOTE: I gave this book two stars on Amazon, and I think it deserves a two out of five - but Goodreads insists on assigning one star the "did not like it" description and two stars the "it was ok" description; since I did not like it, my Goodreads hands are tied.)

Karen Alpert (a.k.a., Baby Sideburns) cobbles together more than a dozen posts and short quips (probably originally created for Facebook) from her popular blog in this highly disappointing compilation-style mommy memoir. Jill Smokler’s (NOTE: I gave this book two stars on Amazon, and I think it deserves a two out of five - but Goodreads insists on assigning one star the "did not like it" description and two stars the "it was ok" description; since I did not like it, my Goodreads hands are tied.)

Karen Alpert (a.k.a., Baby Sideburns) cobbles together more than a dozen posts and short quips (probably originally created for Facebook) from her popular blog in this highly disappointing compilation-style mommy memoir. Jill Smokler’s cover endorsement calling the book “absolutely hysterical” and “everything you could want in a parenting book and more” makes me wonder whether she actually read it. Sure, some of the lines are funny and certain small segments are even well-done, but - on the whole - the crass (a bit of potty humor must be part of any mom’s life, but the sheer volume of hers got very old), defeatist (having kids likely isn't what makes her body “suck balls,” the crappy eating habits that she continually shame-brags about and her belief that no amount of exercise will help probably do), and repetitive (listing nine items on a top-10 because “I’m too lazy to write more” was funny the first time but not the third; same thing goes for constantly joking about how hard it is to spell) nature of the content grated and made finishing the book a chore. I also wonder whether her choice to organize chapters around similar blog posts - rather than mixing the material up - hurt the book’s readability. Here’s the bottom line: if you want a funny book about parenting (as opposed to a parenting book), go for Jim Gaffigan’s “Dad Is Fat” or Jill Smokler’s “Confessions of a Scary Mommy”; if you absolutely insist on reading this book, at least take it in very small doses.

That said, here are a couple of her winning lines (if only she would stick with relatable, smart observations like these rather than turning herself into a mommy shock jock):

“The first time you hear [your child say ‘Mama’], your heart melts a little. The second time you hear it, your eyes well up. The 918,009,576th time you hear it, you want to stab your eardrums out with an ice pick.”

“As I’m standing there begging my kid to hold onto my shoulders and not my head as I help her pull on her pants, I dream of the day when she can dress herself. And then it happens. Ohhh myyyy Goddddd, it’s like watching paint dry. . . . And don’t even get me started on shoes. They’re Velcro! They accidentally get stuck to everything so how F’ing hard can it be to close them?!”

“So why the hell when I change a poopie diaper and I scrub like [a surgeon] do my fingers still smell like poop for the rest of the day? Because if they still smell, I have to assume it’s because they have poo particles on them . . . .”

“I love how the experts tell us if we’re gonna let our kids watch TV we should watch it with them. WHAT?!!! Why on earth do you think I’m putting her in front of the TV in the first place, Mr. So-called Expert? To get some shit done.”

“I don’t have bags under my eyes. I have luggage sets.” ...more
1

May 10, 2014

For full disclosure; I only read the sample but I feel that was enough. There are several Mommy bloggers who have written books and in my opinion they could have all been written by the same person. It is all the same material and schtick. They think they are being controversial and/or funnier by adding more swear words or negative comments about their children. It insults the readers intelligence to imply that just by adding the word fuck, I will then think it's funny. Um no. Write something For full disclosure; I only read the sample but I feel that was enough. There are several Mommy bloggers who have written books and in my opinion they could have all been written by the same person. It is all the same material and schtick. They think they are being controversial and/or funnier by adding more swear words or negative comments about their children. It insults the readers intelligence to imply that just by adding the word fuck, I will then think it's funny. Um no. Write something original and witty and then we'll talk. Plus with these kinds of books, they read like a bunch of blog posts which I can read for free on the internet. ...more
2

Dec 22, 2013

I was really expecting this to be better. I follow her on Facebook and find her hilarious and was just disappointed with the book. It was comical, to a point, but how many times is it really necessary to talk about poop and vajayjays?? And the the lists that were never comp!eyed... But, maybe she'll digress. Thats what she spent most of the book doing.

Maybe I would have found it more funny if I was in the throes of diapers and juggling a new born and toddler. I think she should just stick to I was really expecting this to be better. I follow her on Facebook and find her hilarious and was just disappointed with the book. It was comical, to a point, but how many times is it really necessary to talk about poop and vajayjays?? And the the lists that were never comp!eyed... But, maybe she'll digress. Thats what she spent most of the book doing.

Maybe I would have found it more funny if I was in the throes of diapers and juggling a new born and toddler. I think she should just stick to Facebook and her blog. ...more
5

Oct 23, 2013

Oh man, this book it like a breath of fresh air! There are so many times where I'm afraid that I'm alone in my thinking...this book proves that I'm not! Baby Sideburns is hilarious and crude and I loved every minute of this book. I laughed out loud many many times. Thank you Karen for having the balls to tell it like it is no matter how disgusting, horrifying or mortifying it is! You have a forever fan in me.
2

Dec 28, 2013

I can see how the blog on which this book is based is probably really funny, but collecting the various blog posts about Alpert's experiences as a mother to young children into a book just didn't work for me. Certainly, there were some laugh-out-loud moments. But, overall, it was too much of the same. And, for me, musings along the lines of, 'How do you spell that word?' are just fine in a blog, but have no place in a book.

Anyway, my husband bought this as a gift, so I feel bad disliking it, I can see how the blog on which this book is based is probably really funny, but collecting the various blog posts about Alpert's experiences as a mother to young children into a book just didn't work for me. Certainly, there were some laugh-out-loud moments. But, overall, it was too much of the same. And, for me, musings along the lines of, 'How do you spell that word?' are just fine in a blog, but have no place in a book.

Anyway, my husband bought this as a gift, so I feel bad disliking it, but I did. ...more
5

Jul 27, 2015

I have a 2 yr old and one on the way and this book is spot on. It made me crack up so many times! ! As a mother whose excited but scared to add on another child I needed this book to make me laugh and remember that I'm not alone in this crazy world of Parenting.
1

May 11, 2014




This book was a great disappointment.It is based on a bunch of posts from the author's blog, and while I can see that some of these posts might be funny individually, the book is a complete disaster.Seriously , my collage physics textbook was funnier than this.
It never even made me laugh once, she is trying waaaaaaaaay to hard to be funny, and then there is a constant spelling jokes which might be funny once but not a million times.
Also writing a top ten list but not completing it because she is


This book was a great disappointment.It is based on a bunch of posts from the author's blog, and while I can see that some of these posts might be funny individually, the book is a complete disaster.Seriously , my collage physics textbook was funnier than this.
It never even made me laugh once, she is trying waaaaaaaaay to hard to be funny, and then there is a constant spelling jokes which might be funny once but not a million times.
Also writing a top ten list but not completing it because she is " crazy lazy" got old the second time. And while on the subject on being lazy, you want people to actually buy this book right? Than put some effort into it will ya!!!
I read the first half but just couldn't go throw the whole thing.
Some people should just stick to blogging, writing books isn't for everyone.
I'm sure there are way funnier parenting books out there so save yourself and get one of those, because this one is a waste of time. ...more
4

Nov 19, 2013

Hilarious! This book is NOT for the too proper folks, can be a tad vulgar, but dang it was funny & real. If you need a break, a good laugh in the trenches of motherhood this book is for you!
5

Oct 25, 2013

6 Reasons Why You Need to Buy I Heart My Little A-Holes Right Now:

1. When you were younger, you totally had a thing for the bad boys, the ones that felt dangerous and your parents didn't approve of. Now you're a respectable, tax-paying adult that can barely stay awake for the 10 O'Clock News. Karen fills that need for danger - but won't get you pregnant. She'll make you clutch your pearls and gasp in shock, then giggle 'til you tinkle in your granny panties. Reading her words is like telling 6 Reasons Why You Need to Buy I Heart My Little A-Holes Right Now:

1. When you were younger, you totally had a thing for the bad boys, the ones that felt dangerous and your parents didn't approve of. Now you're a respectable, tax-paying adult that can barely stay awake for the 10 O'Clock News. Karen fills that need for danger - but won't get you pregnant. She'll make you clutch your pearls and gasp in shock, then giggle 'til you tinkle in your granny panties. Reading her words is like telling your mom you're going out with sweet Johnny Blue from down the street, then changing into your slutty clothes in the woods and hopping on the back of Spike Badass' unregistered motorcycle to go use your fake IDs somewhere really dark and smokey. Vroom vroom!

2. She has real decisions to make with her kids, just like the rest of us. How she makes those decisions is relatable and snortingly funny.

3. Between essays, she peppers in quick conversations with her kids or husband, deep contemplations about topics such as love and revenge, and important Notes to Self (my personal favorite is the one about Grandma & the web cam).

4. When she explains what she hates and why she hates it, there is no disagreeing with her logic.

5. She helps you streamline your shopping. For example, if you're going to buy fancy bedding, you should buy "a set with a lovely brown amoeba pattern all over it so the shit stains blend in." Why isn't this on the Babies R' Us Registry Tip list?!? I simply don't understand.

6. From birth control to Girl Scout Cookies, assembling a breast pump to Mother's Day Gifts we really want, and - of course - poop, Karen covers it all with her potty-mouthed frankness that'll make you blush, laugh, and nod your head in agreement.

Karen Alpert proves that you can be a girl with heart and a completely inappropriate sense of humor. She writes fearlessly for those parents out there that need to know they aren't alone. The reason I Heart My Little A-Holes will be a success is because she does, in fact, love her kids more than anything, a truth that shines between each roll of her eyes or pleading for them to pretty please just go back to bed before Mommy runs away. ...more
5

August 22, 2014

Loved it! Glad I'm not the only one that has crazy mom thoughts!
5

April 12, 2014

I had so much fun reading this book. I laughed and couldn't put it down til I was done!
5

Oct 29, 2013

I definitely laughed A LOT while reading this book! I really hope Baby Sideburns writes another book...asap ;)
5

Nov 10, 2013

I love this lady's approach to motherhood - raw, honest, and pee-your-pants funny, it serves as a not-so-gentle reminder that a sense of humor (not to mention a profanity laced internal monologue) is an essential survival skill when dealing with one's adorable little a-holes. I burned through it in a day and a half and shared vignettes with my mommy friends and co-workers, as well as sharing Baby Sideburns's Mother's Day wish list with hubby. I sooooooooo want the 'leave me the hell alone' I love this lady's approach to motherhood - raw, honest, and pee-your-pants funny, it serves as a not-so-gentle reminder that a sense of humor (not to mention a profanity laced internal monologue) is an essential survival skill when dealing with one's adorable little a-holes. I burned through it in a day and a half and shared vignettes with my mommy friends and co-workers, as well as sharing Baby Sideburns's Mother's Day wish list with hubby. I sooooooooo want the 'leave me the hell alone' coupons with no expiration date, and any mom who says she doesn't is either lying or heavily medicated.

I'll be gifting copies of this book for Christmas and baby showers. It's that awesome! ...more
2

Jun 24, 2014

I skimmed most of the book as it was the same thing over and over in each section. Some things were funny, but I found it pretty vulgar and it was like reading a VERY LONG stand up routine or a skit that went too long on SNL.
I don't read blogs as I feel a better use of my time is to live my OWN life and actually TALK to friends, family, people vs. just reading stuff by strangers online....so that being said I have never read the authors popular blog or any blog for that matter.
I think she would I skimmed most of the book as it was the same thing over and over in each section. Some things were funny, but I found it pretty vulgar and it was like reading a VERY LONG stand up routine or a skit that went too long on SNL.
I don't read blogs as I feel a better use of my time is to live my OWN life and actually TALK to friends, family, people vs. just reading stuff by strangers online....so that being said I have never read the authors popular blog or any blog for that matter.
I think she would make a great stand up comedian or her material would make a good premise for a sitcom on TV I just found the book a little too much for me.
A little goes a long way. You want to be around women/mothers who think the same as you and "real" people know that their kids and their lives are not perfect but this kind of hostility is also a little toxic. A person that I could sympathize with would be somewhere in the middle of knowing that life is not easy and they don't always get it right and be able to make fun or yourself and your crazy kid situations but to know how to put it in perspective and make the best of what you have. ...more
1

Jun 26, 2014

There are certain kinds of funny - Funny but fun (Mean Girls), Funny but lame (some SNL shows), funny but serious (Colbert Report), funny but mean (Roasting an actor) and so on. This book manages to be all of it except the funy but fun. Yes, the author said that she loves her kids (of course she has to say it, otherwise, no-one will buy this book). I feel like it isn't possible to write a full book using children as the punch line. You just can't. As a parent, it's fun to read about mishaps in There are certain kinds of funny - Funny but fun (Mean Girls), Funny but lame (some SNL shows), funny but serious (Colbert Report), funny but mean (Roasting an actor) and so on. This book manages to be all of it except the funy but fun. Yes, the author said that she loves her kids (of course she has to say it, otherwise, no-one will buy this book). I feel like it isn't possible to write a full book using children as the punch line. You just can't. As a parent, it's fun to read about mishaps in small doses spread far apart because you can't hold yourself responsible for thinking of your kids as monsters or a-holes. You think of drivers who cut in front of you as a-holes, or your clueless bosses as a-holes, or people who don't pick up their dog crap as a-holes, but not your spouse, and especially not your kids. I guess I love my family too much to label them that way (even in jest). She makes too many jokes that should have been edited like when she lumped car seats as "unecessary" and finished it with "How many peiople just read this and stopped reading because they hate me now?" Yes, that would be me. Did she need fillers or something for her book? It did in fact turn me off from reading her book--credibility gone! I don't care if you have a mom blog and you got published but corny or trying to be cute jokes like that are only allowed in toddler books. I understand that the author had to think up an approach that will stand out and court controversy, so yeah you got your fame; I'm just happy to say that I borrowed this book from the library. ...more
4

Jan 29, 2014

this is another blog-to-book, & it shows. an awful lot of this book seemed to be lifted directly from the blog & published as-is, no editing whatsoever. including references to the fact that it was written to a blog, remarks about comments, etc. ordinarily i HATE this. but i will make an exception here because a) i'd never read the blog, so all the material was new to me, & b) it was legitimately funny. i actually laughed out loud several times, & i am not a this is another blog-to-book, & it shows. an awful lot of this book seemed to be lifted directly from the blog & published as-is, no editing whatsoever. including references to the fact that it was written to a blog, remarks about comments, etc. ordinarily i HATE this. but i will make an exception here because a) i'd never read the blog, so all the material was new to me, & b) it was legitimately funny. i actually laughed out loud several times, & i am not a laughing-out-loud-at-books sort of person at all. i even read some passages out loud to jared because i thought they were so funny/relevant to our lives as parents of a 14-month-old.

you can probably tell from the title that this is not a book for people who are offended by foul language or people treating parenting as something less than a journey through a field of rainbows atop a glittery unicorn. nor is it a book for people who are squeamish about poop. there's an entire chapter devoted to poop stories, which is fitting, as any parent will tell you that a good chunk of your life is devoted to taking care of someone else's poop. i'm pretty good about not talking about that aspect of parenting with my non-parent friends, but among other parents? forget it. it's all poop & secret confessions about how we let our babies sleep in their bouncy seats/swings/boppy pillows for six months straight.

is stuff misspelled? yes. grammatical errors? yes. is there filler that inflates the page count artificially? yes. but this is still one of the best parenting humor books i have read. ...more
4

May 24, 2018

I'm a childfree (by choice) and I haven't spent a lot of time around children (I've never ever changed a diaper ... and I'm okay with that). I recently read "I Want My Epidural Back: Adventures in Mediocre Parenting" by this author and enjoyed it so I thought I'd check this one out too.

The author is 40ish, married and has two young children. The book covers a lot of topics and the chapters are:

* Bundle of joy, my a$$, more like bundle of Hell
* I heart my little a-holes
* Don't read this section I'm a childfree (by choice) and I haven't spent a lot of time around children (I've never ever changed a diaper ... and I'm okay with that). I recently read "I Want My Epidural Back: Adventures in Mediocre Parenting" by this author and enjoyed it so I thought I'd check this one out too.

The author is 40ish, married and has two young children. The book covers a lot of topics and the chapters are:

* Bundle of joy, my a$$, more like bundle of Hell
* I heart my little a-holes
* Don't read this section while you're eating chocolate
* Another holiday? Are you f'ing kidding me?
* The truth, the whole truth and none of the bullsh!t you see on Pinterest
* A really short chapter about Girl Scout cookies because they are so f'ing awesome they deserve their own chapter
* Disney and Caillou and other annoying crap I want to crap on
* Annnnd this is what my life has turned into. Awesome.
* Yo Rug Rats, you owe me $26,000 for plastic surgery

I enjoyed the writing style and found it very conversational. The author shares her personal experiences of being a wife and raising her children and includes pictures. I think she would be a hoot to hang out with and have a glass of wine (or two or three) with. As a head's up, there is swearing and adult subject matter.

If you are looking for a serious book about being a mother and wife, this isn't it. If you are looking for a book you can relate to as a "real" mom and wife, you should check it out ... she exaggerates so please don't take it too seriously.

Blog review post: http://www.teenaintoronto.com/2018/05... ...more
3

Oct 20, 2014

I read this one a few months ago and I’m just getting around to reviewing it …

If Karen Alpert was a “momber” of a playgroup that my son and I belonged to, I’m sure we’d be friends. She’s really funny, laid back, and doesn’t give a rat’s a$$ what you think about her. I think a lot of moms could relate to her as well.

There is one thing that annoyed me. Alpert mentioned how she can’t stand moms who judge other moms. I agree with her on that one. However, her book is littered with backhanded I read this one a few months ago and I’m just getting around to reviewing it …

If Karen Alpert was a “momber” of a playgroup that my son and I belonged to, I’m sure we’d be friends. She’s really funny, laid back, and doesn’t give a rat’s a$$ what you think about her. I think a lot of moms could relate to her as well.

There is one thing that annoyed me. Alpert mentioned how she can’t stand moms who judge other moms. I agree with her on that one. However, her book is littered with backhanded comments that reek of judgmental undertones. So I had a hard time getting past that. But hey, nobody’s perfek.
...more
2

Jan 03, 2015

Poop and vajayjay.

There. I summed up the book for you! I'm not opposed to crass humor at all. I didn't find this book funny. None Of the anecdotes were funny, cute, or even entertaining. Basically, every chapter was "ten things I hate about ______". She got to eight or nine, then stated she was too lazy to go on. Funny the first time, maybe. Not every other chapter. Most chapters are similar rants about how she likes to poop with a People magazine, and lots of discussion about vaginas. I enjoy Poop and vajayjay.

There. I summed up the book for you! I'm not opposed to crass humor at all. I didn't find this book funny. None Of the anecdotes were funny, cute, or even entertaining. Basically, every chapter was "ten things I hate about ______". She got to eight or nine, then stated she was too lazy to go on. Funny the first time, maybe. Not every other chapter. Most chapters are similar rants about how she likes to poop with a People magazine, and lots of discussion about vaginas. I enjoy her Facebook page, but found the book a let down. ...more
4

Jul 28, 2014

Just what I needed after a looooonnnggg Christmas break. It's like finding a BFF that just GETS you, while reassuring you that the thoughts or words or actions you have as a parent are also shared with a whole lot of other moms. I'm not even sure which part was my favorite, but the Sister Wives chapter I definitely shared with some friends. I heart MY little a-holes even more, now that I know I'm not the only one that can't stop using the F word
4

Oct 30, 2013

She's crude, foul language and a mother of two. As a crude, foul languaged mother of two I find her hysterical. She swears a lot but as she puts it, she writes a lot of swears because she can't say them anymore. I find her to be hysterical and horrifying all at the same time- kind of like motherhood of two...
5

Oct 21, 2013

hilarious, pee in your pants funny stories about motherhood. I was lucky enough to get an advanced copy and finished it within 24 hours. Karen has the guts to say what many of us think, and does it in such a way that you can't help but nod your head in agreement. And let's face it, all kids are a-holes at one time or another. My new go-to baby gift.
3

Jun 23, 2016

It had some hilarious laugh out loud moments. There were other parts that seemed to drag forever. Great read for any parent
5

Oct 25, 2013

I'd give it more stars if I could. She says all the things I think but don't have the cojones to say!

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