3.68

3

Aug 09, 2019

This was an interesting read. it reminds me a bit of the gift of fear.The author shows various situations along with tips on how to stay protected and safe.I would say it was well written and my only complaint is that I wish it was longer because it didn’t cover nearly as much as I would’ve liked.

2

Jan 13, 2013

This book has useful information about personal safety and the red flags of pyschopaths. However, it needs drastic editing. Drastic scalpel-like editing. It is overstuffed with overbearing preambles, condescending repetition, and a silly, superfluous acronym system. Add in the jumpy disorganization and it is a tedious read.

To save you time, dear reader, here are the main points: (in 1 page, not 200!)

1. Psychopaths can be up to 1% of the population and you can't tell by looking at them. They are This book has useful information about personal safety and the red flags of pyschopaths. However, it needs drastic editing. Drastic scalpel-like editing. It is overstuffed with overbearing preambles, condescending repetition, and a silly, superfluous acronym system. Add in the jumpy disorganization and it is a tedious read.

To save you time, dear reader, here are the main points: (in 1 page, not 200!)

1. Psychopaths can be up to 1% of the population and you can't tell by looking at them. They are often charming, glib, polished, middle class, married with kids and nice lawns. Think "Ted Bundy".

2. A pyschopath doesn't feel any empathy or guilt. He is not mentally ill, or operating in some fantasy world. His brain just can't turn on the compassion switch. He is a complete narcissist. Two red flags are: grandiose, self-centered egoism and blaming others for problems.

3. Lock your doors; be cautious about on-line dating; don't let your kids sleep over at friends until you know the family well; screen workers in your home; don't let any door-to-door salesmen or unexpected utility workers into your home; don't hitchhike; don't walk home in the dark w/o a sidewalk wearing black clothes; when in doubt call the police.

4. Statistically, most violent threats will be from people we know, not from strangers.

5. To interview someone in order to make out their character, you have to listen gently. If you yell or threaten, or even talk too much, the (potential) criminal will clam up. Tough police yelling during interrogations is just in the movies.

6. Psychopaths do really horrible things like serial rapes and murders, necrophilia, and torturing small children. (I had nightmares after reading the graphic descriptions.)

7. Assess risks as high, medium, or low. Getting a pizza delivered is low. Going home with a guy you just met at a bar is high.

Stay safe!

...more

3

Feb 05, 2015

This is a difficult review. With all due respect to this author, she has some very good things to say, but there is a big problem with her book. I took away some good things from it, (for example, how to tell if someone is lying) but also have some strong objections for one premise she makes. Early in the book, there is a weak argument with some ridiculous questions that "prove" your intuition is not to be trusted...However, later on in the book, interviews have questions like, "How did the This is a difficult review. With all due respect to this author, she has some very good things to say, but there is a big problem with her book. I took away some good things from it, (for example, how to tell if someone is lying) but also have some strong objections for one premise she makes. Early in the book, there is a weak argument with some ridiculous questions that "prove" your intuition is not to be trusted...However, later on in the book, interviews have questions like, "How did the person make you feel?" In my opinion, and in my experience, feelings should never be discounted. Intuition is real and should not be discounted. It has saved my life more than once. Listening to children talk about their feelings is especially important. As an educator of children for over 25 years, I feel that listening to the feelings of a child is vital. The same is true for adults. Never overlook or discount your "gut" feelings or intuition. It is there for a reason.
Ms. O'Toole blames stress,etc. for the mistakes made in situations. I would counter this with the statement that most mistakes were made simply because a person chose to ignore their true "gut" feelings or intuition about a person or situation. There were red flags from the start, and they chose to ignore them (or were ignorant of them) and proceed anyway. Aside from that, this book would be helpful to someone who has very little experience in or who has never thought about security or how to evaluate a situation or person. Its good, for example, that we are warned about social media sites. We are warned about the media's flawed take on what to do if you are in danger. We are told that folks who are dangerous look just like us, and that they have skills that make us believe they are safe. We are also warned that the "bad" guys are not good guys who just "snapped", but were always bad, and were skilled at hiding it. In our dangerous world, this knowledge is vital for women, especially.

According to Ms. O'Toole, if you are a woman, and a man is bothering you in the health club, you can get a restraining order. Restraining orders are not to be taken lightly. They can escalate a situation. Please go read Mr. Gavin DeBeckers book, The Gift Of Fear. Dont take my word on this, but check out comments about restraining orders from a world class security expert. Mr. DeBecker is the best. He breaks it down.

I am familiar with and have read Dr. Robert Hare's book, Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us. Dr. Hare is the definitive expert on this, and I would highly recommend his book. I thought it was too bad Ms.O'Toole didnt mention this book, (she used parts of it) and tell everyone to go out and buy it. I have the utmost respect for Dr. Hare and I recommend his book highly.

I felt a little talked down to in Ms. O'Tool's book.
She emphasizes that she is an expert, and no one who is not an expert can adequately diagnose whether a person is a psychopath, for example. I agree, but it is not useful to tell us that we are incapable of doing an assessment and leave it to the experts.
I would use this book primarily as a good method for screening, or interviewing a potential client or worker, such as an employee or babysitter, and to help me determine whether someone is lying or not. Planning and conducting an interview assumes you have lots of time to do this. Your life probably wouldnt be in danger during the screening session or interview. I wouldnt read this book to find the tools to use in a high risk situation.
In a risky situation, events happen in a fast manner, sometimes in a few seconds, and you dont have the time to "interview" the threat. Again, I would recommend Mr.Gavin DeBecker's book, The Gift Of Fear. Every woman should read his book.
I applaud Ms. O'Tool for passing on her knowledge and expertise on this subject.
She clearly cares passionately for others. This book could open up discussions that are important
for women to have. ...more

3

Jun 27, 2012

The author of this book has something important to share with the world but unfortunately she doesn't seem to be able to use the medium she chose to get her message out effectively.

The beginning of this book has A LOT of points where she tells you what you are going to learn. It reads like she's preparing for a speech (where it is important to tell the group of people you are speaking to what they have to look forward to.) However, I could have overlooked this because as a book continues it The author of this book has something important to share with the world but unfortunately she doesn't seem to be able to use the medium she chose to get her message out effectively.

The beginning of this book has A LOT of points where she tells you what you are going to learn. It reads like she's preparing for a speech (where it is important to tell the group of people you are speaking to what they have to look forward to.) However, I could have overlooked this because as a book continues it becomes harder to do because there is less book to point the way toward, but then she started telling us where we could find things that we had already read about. That is was the index is for.

The book is often repetitive outside of this as well. The ideas the author is repeating are often important, such as dangerous people usually don't look dangerous, but I believe you have to assume that your reader has some intelligence about them and that they will be able to absorb the information you are giving them the first time.

Probably my biggest problem with this book is that it made be feel like the author assumed I (and apparently all her readers) were at least a little bit idiotic. She often phrased the hypothetical situations in the book as if I were actively part of it and then had me as the character doing the stupidest things possible. Obviously, I do not know nearly as much about any of the subjects she goes into in this book. I just didn't like feeling as if I didn't know anything.

I did not like that the author kept telling me how important she was. This is information I could have (and did) gather from the book jacket, online research, and from the interesting and illuminating anecdotes she went into about both the high-profile and less well-known cases she worked on during her time with the FBI.

The author also seemed to sensationalize the possibly dangerous situations we encounter regularly. Being in potentially dangerous situations is inevitable and I loved that the book gave the reader ways in which to feel safer while moving through these situations but as I was reading the book I found myself to be far jumpier and suspicious than I usually am (even more so than I believe the author intended to happen.) Every little thing seemed dangerous and it's hard to function with that kind of paranoia creeping in.

This book had extremely interesting parts and gave out relevant and possibly life-saving information. The author has obviously had an interesting life and is obviously good at what she does. I am glad that this book is out there to read. I wish that it had been organized better and that it had been assumed that I, as the reader, had some intelligence but that I needed to learn how to fine tune that intelligence. The book wasn't a hard read so if a person finds the subject matter calling out to them I wouldn't tell them not to read it. Even with its flaws it could have a positive effect on the life of a reader. ...more

1

Jan 31, 2015

In the words of Indigo Montoya, "I don't think that words means what you think it means."

"Gut feelings" are not the sane as impressions or cultural conditioning. Her very first example is her own mistake of overriding her gut instinct to not trust someone she has not vetted.

The book itself felt like a lecture rather than a read: she referred her coauthor as "my coauthor" and seemed to stand apart from every investigation she conducted. She talked about how her painstaking research supported a In the words of Indigo Montoya, "I don't think that words means what you think it means."

"Gut feelings" are not the sane as impressions or cultural conditioning. Her very first example is her own mistake of overriding her gut instinct to not trust someone she has not vetted.

The book itself felt like a lecture rather than a read: she referred her coauthor as "my coauthor" and seemed to stand apart from every investigation she conducted. She talked about how her painstaking research supported a first impression based on gathering data. And yet - aren't we supposed to eschew impressions? Yes, to research the heck out of something to try to disprove an initial observation or first impression.

Skip this book and read Gavin de Becker's book "The Gift of Fear." It's a better read, more informative, more helpful and more interesting - and written better. ...more

2

Feb 16, 2013

I don't know why I keep reading these types of books. They never teach you anything other than that you're constantly in danger, and you can never correctly judge people. Not a fun read. Not a useful read. Also, I'm not a married middle-aged white suburban lady with small children, which is who this book is written for, for some reason.

2

Jan 07, 2012

This book could have been half the length; repetative and mildly annoying in writing style. The author tends to talk down to her readers. Interesting subject, poorly executed.

5

Feb 24, 2012

Informative & interesting. Thank you to my delightful cousin for being the reason why i read this. :)

2

Jul 02, 2012

Heh, goodreads asks "What did you think?"

This could have been much shorter. There's an awful lot of setup before you get to the meat of the book.

I, however, put it down halfway through when the author recommended calling 911 for your 20-something daughter that has a flat tire. Are you kidding me?

4

Sep 23, 2012

I've read a ton of true-crime serial killer books and most of my reasoning is that I want to be sure never to become a victim. This book is for all of the folks out there (like me) who are too nice and have a hard time saying no and worry about hurting peoples' feelings AND forget to guard their own safety. It teaches about not only evaluating the danger from people we don't know that well but,more importantly, evaluating the danger from people we deal with every day and that we trust our homes I've read a ton of true-crime serial killer books and most of my reasoning is that I want to be sure never to become a victim. This book is for all of the folks out there (like me) who are too nice and have a hard time saying no and worry about hurting peoples' feelings AND forget to guard their own safety. It teaches about not only evaluating the danger from people we don't know that well but,more importantly, evaluating the danger from people we deal with every day and that we trust our homes and our children with. It also teaches about making smarter decisions in our everyday life, which, basically EVERYONE could benefit from. ...more

5

Apr 26, 2013

O'Toole describes some of the cases she's worked on, which is interesting, but the main focus of the book is helping readers make decisions based on logic instead of emotion. She explains that many of us base decisions about whom we allow close to us based on superficial cues that are not meaningful in terms of real risk, and offers step-by-step instructions on making better decisions by thinking through all aspects of a situation. Many of the situations she explores are those that normal people O'Toole describes some of the cases she's worked on, which is interesting, but the main focus of the book is helping readers make decisions based on logic instead of emotion. She explains that many of us base decisions about whom we allow close to us based on superficial cues that are not meaningful in terms of real risk, and offers step-by-step instructions on making better decisions by thinking through all aspects of a situation. Many of the situations she explores are those that normal people make on a daily basis: Should you let your child spend the night at someone's house? Should you let a repair person into your home? Should you open the door to a stranger? I'm sure I will refer to this guide in the future. ...more

2

May 28, 2018

skimmed through the last third. i wish the tone wasn’t so condescending and there was more content on actual physical safety crisises. skip this one, there’s probably better guides out there.

3

Jul 08, 2018

I picked up this book, first, because nobody wants to be a victim and I tend to worry more than the average bear. Second, I thought the title was a direct response the the best-selling book by Gavin deBecker, called The Gift of Fear, which I loved and have recommended highly.

As it happens, O'Toole never mentions deBecker by name, but does open the book warning readers not to judge a book by its cover, and that first instincts can't reliably be trusted. But my takeaway is that one should I picked up this book, first, because nobody wants to be a victim and I tend to worry more than the average bear. Second, I thought the title was a direct response the the best-selling book by Gavin deBecker, called The Gift of Fear, which I loved and have recommended highly.

As it happens, O'Toole never mentions deBecker by name, but does open the book warning readers not to judge a book by its cover, and that first instincts can't reliably be trusted. But my takeaway is that one should definitely listen to negative instincts, but also be wary of positive instincts that may be misleading.

All in all, this book scared the bejeebers out of me. It will give you nightmares and make you lose your trust in, well, everyone. If you're up to that, read on. O'Toole does give some good, practical advice in the second half of the book. As other reviewers have mentioned, though, the text is redundant, the SMART acronym unnecessary (even having just finished the book I can't tell you what it stands for, so it's really not efficacious), and the scenarios only somewhat helpful. It's one thing to be an FBI agent questioning a suspect, quite another to be sussing out the new neighbor who invites your kid to a sleepover. For me, O'Toole didn't successfully teach the techniques one needs to glean pertinent information while standing at the school bus stop, without offending, insulting, or raising the suspicions of those being "interviewed". (And if that person is truly a psychopath, won't they know how to play that game and come across as "normal"?)

Now... if you'll excuse me, I have to hire an investigator to do background checks on EVERY PERSON I KNOW. But first I'll need to do a check on the investigator, to make sure HE'S not out to get me. ...more

2

Apr 21, 2013

This book was a bit disappointing; it was a very basic primer about not falling into typical "safety myths" that most people take for granted (which amounted to superficial stereotypes for the most part). O'Toole's interviewing techniques are nothing new to people who have learned about active listening, but very useful to those who haven't done so before.

I would have liked to seen more specifics on behaviors to identify dangerous individuals, but maybe that's a more advanced book.

2

Jan 09, 2013

Something nebulous about this book. Very basic level and I think does not quite follow through. Some discussion of sociopathy vs. psychopathy vs. mental illness--good topics to clarify. Timely mention of Andrew Kehoe, who in 1927 blew up his home and a school via dynamite, killing 45 children.

The writing could be more compact, less repetitive, and more scientifically precise. Contains lists of questions to ask and places to look for information about people you consider allowing into your life. Something nebulous about this book. Very basic level and I think does not quite follow through. Some discussion of sociopathy vs. psychopathy vs. mental illness--good topics to clarify. Timely mention of Andrew Kehoe, who in 1927 blew up his home and a school via dynamite, killing 45 children.

The writing could be more compact, less repetitive, and more scientifically precise. Contains lists of questions to ask and places to look for information about people you consider allowing into your life. On the one hand, we should be more cautious and evaluative. [Maybe it's the author's tone and assumption that we are all idiots that turns me off.] I would say that many of us do the best we can in the time frames we have in terms of investigating people, employees, etc. The author believes we can do better in terms of protecting ourselves. Best as a quick evening's speed read. ...more

4

Aug 11, 2013

I loved this book for its psychological insight. People so often think that "gut instinct" is reliable when in fact it is not. Psychopaths, for example, are experts at making a great first impression. They often have families, good jobs, and all the appearances of normalcy. There is nothing about them that would trigger a instinctual "gut reaction" of fear. This book is about using behavioral analysis to examine how people act to determine whether or not they should be trusted, and how to rely I loved this book for its psychological insight. People so often think that "gut instinct" is reliable when in fact it is not. Psychopaths, for example, are experts at making a great first impression. They often have families, good jobs, and all the appearances of normalcy. There is nothing about them that would trigger a instinctual "gut reaction" of fear. This book is about using behavioral analysis to examine how people act to determine whether or not they should be trusted, and how to rely less on emotion and "instinct" and more on sound principles of subtly "interviewing" and observing people. I thought it was fascinating, albeit terrifying with its many horror stories of rape, murder, torture, etc because people trusted untrustworthy people. This book was written by an FBI behavior analyst. Very thought-provoking and interesting. ...more

3

Dec 02, 2011

This book was different from what I expected. I wanted to hear about the cases she worked on and the things that helped solve cases. Instead this book was about learning how to evaluate situations and people in your life. It read more like a text book and even had bullet points of what you just read at the end of each chapter. She did share some of her experiences working for the FBI, but they were very brief descriptions.

In the end I gave this book 3 stars, even though I found it boring This book was different from what I expected. I wanted to hear about the cases she worked on and the things that helped solve cases. Instead this book was about learning how to evaluate situations and people in your life. It read more like a text book and even had bullet points of what you just read at the end of each chapter. She did share some of her experiences working for the FBI, but they were very brief descriptions.

In the end I gave this book 3 stars, even though I found it boring sometimes, because it has valuable information in it. It teaches you how to mitigate risk to you and your children. Every parent should know how to recognize red flags so they can protect their children from predators. Because what the book says is true, you are most likely to be hurt by the people you know and let into your life. ...more

2

Oct 15, 2012

Pros: Great premise: here are all the ways and reasons your gut feeling and/or intuition can fail you, here's why you've come to rely on them as decision-making mechanisms, and here's what you should do instead.

Awesome insight into human behavior, a great explanation of the difference between a psychopath and sociopath, personality disorders vs. mental health issues, and why our social conditioning is not very helpful in keeping us safe.

Also, it's great to hear stories and insight from someone Pros: Great premise: here are all the ways and reasons your gut feeling and/or intuition can fail you, here's why you've come to rely on them as decision-making mechanisms, and here's what you should do instead.

Awesome insight into human behavior, a great explanation of the difference between a psychopath and sociopath, personality disorders vs. mental health issues, and why our social conditioning is not very helpful in keeping us safe.

Also, it's great to hear stories and insight from someone who was entrenched in her field (FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit, a la "Criminal Minds", but sadly without Shemar Moore) and now trains others.

Cons: The prose is alarmingly simplistic. If I had to place a wager, I'd rate it at a fifth grade reading level, which I always interpret in one of two ways: either the author is simple, or she thinks her readers are. Neither works out well.

The subject matter is repetitive and employs way too many teasers ("we'll get to that later in the book!"). Also, I recognize that her former line of work has given her plenty of empirical evidence to be cautious about situations involving children, but some of her advice is just ridiculous. ...more

5

Mar 30, 2015

This book is an excellent primer on how to sharpen your awareness of what may be perilous situations for anyone wending their way through modern, 21st-century problems. Ms. O’Toole calls upon her considerable expertise in deciphering the misleading cues given to us by people who are trying to take advantage of our goodwill, ignorance or supposed “instincts” of what constitutes a decent human being. Do you want to let your child have his or her own computer in his or her room? Answer: no. Should This book is an excellent primer on how to sharpen your awareness of what may be perilous situations for anyone wending their way through modern, 21st-century problems. Ms. O’Toole calls upon her considerable expertise in deciphering the misleading cues given to us by people who are trying to take advantage of our goodwill, ignorance or supposed “instincts” of what constitutes a decent human being. Do you want to let your child have his or her own computer in his or her room? Answer: no. Should you trust that guy whom you met on a first date when he starts talking about all the bad relationships he’s had in the past? Should you buy that house? What questions should you ask before hiring someone? Should you let that girl babysit your child?

Ms. O’Toole tells you the questions you should be asking yourself when in questionable circumstances. She also freely admits she doesn’t have all the answers to life’s problems nor can she guide you about the eventualities you can’t predict (what to do if caught in an avalanche, e.g.). But her knowledge of what to ask about basic, mundane unhealthy situations is extensive and reads like good advice.

What the reader gets is calm evaluation at all times; Ms. O’Toole cautions repeatedly against making decisions while in a heated, over-emotional state of mind. Bliss, rage or depression can all cloud a person’s mental processes, making it impossible to reach sane, helpful decisions. This is rather obvious advice but it’s easy to overlook when you’re letting your glands do the talking.

Included in this book is an appendix with resource information that’s bound to prove helpful. Whether you’re a survivalist, realist or just looking for great advice, Ms. O’Toole delivers the goods.
...more

3

May 10, 2014

I was excited to read this book about personal safety by an FBI profiler. During the author’s career, she interrogated psychopaths, gained their trust, and obtained info from them about their crimes. The purpose of the book is to help us identify dangerous people and situations. The author believes we are too trusting and we go by our gut feelings about whether a person seems “nice.” She teaches the reader more objective ways of assessing people.

The chapters run through everyday situations (for I was excited to read this book about personal safety by an FBI profiler. During the author’s career, she interrogated psychopaths, gained their trust, and obtained info from them about their crimes. The purpose of the book is to help us identify dangerous people and situations. The author believes we are too trusting and we go by our gut feelings about whether a person seems “nice.” She teaches the reader more objective ways of assessing people.

The chapters run through everyday situations (for some of us!) like hiring a house painter, meeting someone through online dating, sharing a hotel room with a friend-of-a-friend on a group travel excursion, or figuring out when your teen is ready to drive a car independently.

There was great info in the book about judging character, identifying problem behaviour, and forcing ourselves to check our “blind spots” about new people. There were also lengthy and unhelpful chapters about listening and interviewing, which seemed to apply mainly to crime evidence. Ultimately, the book goes too far off-track and doesn't sum up how to make everyday decisions. We’re left to figure that out ourselves, using the 245 pages of content.

I really benefited from the information in this book, and the FBI/crime examples certainly livened it up! I wish it had been reduced to a set of checklists that I could copy, adapt and use, along with some scenarios of when to use them. The author gives the impression that personal safety is too complex to explain briefly, and that extensive reading or training is needed – all the while saying that it will be possible by the time you finish the book.

I would recommend the author’s method as a new way of thinking about personal safety, but not at all a quick fix.
...more

3

Apr 30, 2018

Fairly entertaining, with practical advice for things like interviewing a house painter. I picked it up because my mom happened to be at a talk the author gave.

4

May 14, 2018

Good reference or training manual for observation based information collection and decisionmaking.

5

Aug 20, 2019

After reading this book, as a minister and counselor I believe that everyone who can should get this book and read and re-read it. There is so much valuable information that can be gleaned. A friend loaned me this book to read and I now see areas where I can improve myself in regards to people. I am also definitely going to get a copy for myself.

4

Apr 30, 2019

I really enjoyed this book. It had a lot of useful information on how to correctly, and logically evaluate the safety of a situation or if a person is a danger to you. It had some very good tips on how to recognize potential dangers but also how to use these skills in everyday situations such as hiring a babysitter or interviewing someone for a job.

3

Jul 14, 2017

Many of the reviews have already described this book well. For me, the second have was much better than the first. There is some interesting and useful information, and I will be more aware of concerning, threatening or dangerous people and situations thanks to the book.

But I found it poorly written. Repetitious at times. Not as concise as it could be, which almost made me rate it 2 stars.